IT'S PUNCTUATION, JIM. BUT NOT AS WE KNOW IT.

THE WORM HAS RETURNED

REDNECK OLYMPICS

DATELINE: MYASSA

(insert day of week), (insert month) (insert day of month), (insert year)

This is Emanuella H. Kruiken-Feist, your Myassa Lifestyle Correspondent and winner of the Myassa Founders Day Silver Booby prize. WELCOME to Faux TV Sports. Today's assignment: FAUX SPORTS LIFESTYLE!

So, Faux sports athletes may be unknowns world-wide, or country-wide, state-wide or even county- or city-wide, but they are all faux sports legends and myths. They train as hard as any athletes do for their special events in the Redneck Olympics. So, they have their own special dietary practices, like carb stuffing with a 12 pack just before game time. They integrate with other redneck athletes from other places and events and make friends for life. They are often seen carrying their new found friends to the starting lines after some social carb stuffing.

So, it takes lots of carb stuffing for many events, like the raw oyster snort and the squirrel hurl and the heel to toe 5 meter race that the Myassa County Sheriff's Department sponsors and judges as the competitors drive into the parking lot. The prize? A ride in a sheriffs car plus room and board for a night! Many smart competitors book accommodations in the Myassa County Jail / Burning Slash Pine Breeze Motor Court Motel Building weeks in advance to get the good cells and some even pay advance fines based upon the price list for that year and what the competitors expect to do. So, better hurry because fines increase as the event nears. Those paying advances don't get the ride in the sheriff's car or room and board unless they have already paid for an overnight stay. No refunds.

So, for those who are not familiar with the next event, The Human Worm, some explanation may be in order, but this reporter can't think of one. So, I mean, why? Why stick your head in someones crotch and why do the worm like that with nine other people? So, why would anyone ever think of something like that? I mean, the worm is SO 20th century! Yeah, I know, this is Myassa. Things are always weird here. Sometimes a girl misses her home in South Body Slam, New Jersey, but this is the price you have to pay to break into the literary cognoscenti.

So, lots of anachronistic stuff happens here. So, maybe it's me but sometimes it seems like one of those ancient TV reruns of Outer Limits. No, it seems more like Out OF Limits! Why do do I feel like I'm living in a dystopia that is the result of double entendre and BUM puns!?!? (Damn, where is that interrobang? NO INTERROBANG!?!? OMG!! This just got totally weird!! So, there are no interrobangs in Myassa?!?! How can an aspiring sensitive post-modern writer, like your Faux lifestyle correspondent, write without overusing the interrobang?!?! I don't know if I want to live in a world without interrobangs. It's so depressing to be unable to truly release my unfettered literary aspirations and aspersions.) (ASS-pirations!! ASS-persions!! OH NO! Scatological puns!! Now I'M doing it!) (Damn!!)

Uh. Sorry about the interrobang thing. And the ass thing.

So, uh, what was this article about? Oh, yeah, the Human Worm competition. Ten person teams compete to ... compete to ... be the first worm to worm its way into a hole. SEE?!?! Why would ANYONE with a functioning brain cell do that?!?! I think the Sopchoppee Worm Grunting Festival people caused this. They even bring the Grunting Queen and her undergrunt courtiers with them to cheer. What IS this obsession with worms in north Florida?!?!

There were a whole bunch of teams in the Human Worm. I think some of them had stuffed so many carbs they didn't remember which team they were on. I think I can remember some of them: Parched Throat, Arizona; East Timmythetooth, Georgia; Two Dead Dogs, Alabama; Northeast Central South Wacky Compass, West Virginia; Rabid, Mississippi; NYC; ... That's all I can remember now. Oh! Myassa too.

So, about the picture: See the team member on the far right? I think he's waving the team around like a jump rope to boost their worm and get them in the hole faster. He looks like he's showing of by doing it with one hand. I don't know which team is in it or which team won. I was not prepared for this. Sorry. I was freaking out about the interrobangs. And scatology. And bum puns. And worms.

So, that's really all I know about the Human Worm. This is my first year at the College of Recreation, Anthropology, Archeology, Computer, and Kinesesthesiological Sciences in Myassa. So, I'm studying literature and journalism. When I graduate I'll be a CRAACKS in Myassa Fightin' Sink Hole for life as soon as my $25 (plus postage and handling) check for tuition clears the Registrar's Accounts Receivable office.

I think FAUX NEWS is beginning to like my work. So, next week I'll be on the education lifestyle beat, interviewing faculty and students at the Sistah Fahtah Stahtah Chahtah School for children with southern accents.

So, I still can't believe there are no interrobangs in Myassa.

MORE FAUX NEWS THAN YOU CAN BEAT TO DEATH WITH A STICK!