Make it Right

Chapter 7

Soon after JK leaves your place, you find yourself doubled over in tears. You think to yourself, "What am I doing?" The tears keep coming and you feel sick to your stomach. You spend the rest of the weekend in bed feeling ill.

You decide to call out of work on Monday and spend another day in bed licking your wound. You think about what it would mean to stay the same as you are now. To be on the safe side, to not take any risks or allow yourself to be vulnerable. It would mean that nothing would change. You will continue to feel alone and be alone. Keeping your heart locked away so that you won't be hurt again and continue living as you have all these years.

You tell yourself, "It wasn't always bad. I was content with things." But then you remember how you felt being with JK. Being in his arms, being the object of his hunger, need, affection, attention, friendship, and love, that was glorious. You can't remember the last time you had so much fun. Even without the sex, being with him made you feel like your true self, like he was able to take away the disguise, no, the heavy armor that you put on so that you can survive. You felt like a free bird. But here you are now, curled up in your tiny apartment trying to just hold on to what you know.

You put your hands over your face and rub it up and down and roll over onto your side. Tucked under another pillow, you see the book you were reading recently. Jane Eyre. You decide to open up where you left off and start reading again. You spend rest of the day into the next morning reading and finally finish it.

Jane Eyre endures her past and in the face of adversity, finds strength and rises above it. Jane faces a fork in the road. The choice is between St. John Rivers who represents safety, conformity, and status quo, but choosing that would also mean the death of her chance at happiness. Choosing Mr. Rochester would mean going against long held values, against the grain of everyone else's expectations. But she would be gaining love and the ability to follow her passion. All with the understanding that things may end in torment and tragedy. In the end, Jane, wise and bold as she is, chooses to take a risk and find love and happiness with Rochester even with his flaws. 

You laugh at yourself, "Is this a sign of some kind? Did I really screw this up?" You turn to look at the clock and see it's 8:00 AM. Not wanting to face the day, you call out sick once more. No longer wanting to wallow in your own discontent, you decide to get up out of bed and do something with the day. You make your bed and clean your apartment top to bottom. The thorough cleaning works up a sweat, so you decide to get in the shower and clean yourself up now. After a long hot shower, you start to feel better and vow to return to work tomorrow.

As you are getting out the shower, you hear a loud banging on her door. Alarmed, you quickly wrap a towel around yourself and run to the door. You look through the peephole but can't see clearly and the urgent pounding continues. In absolute panic, you swing open the door to see JK standing there, out of breath with a crazy look in his eyes.

You say, "What are you doing here?"

"When you didn't come to work two days in a row, I thought... I thought that...." As he speaks he finally realizes that you are precariously wrap in a towel and your hair dripping water all over the floor. He pushes his way into your apartment picking you up by your waist and bringing you in. He closes the door behind him and says, "What are you thinking answering the door like that? You don't know who could have been on the other side of that door. What if it was someone dangerous? I mean, might as well have answered door naked for the love of God." 

You are still dazed by what just happened.  You tighten the grip you have on your towel and say, "What's wrong? Why are you here?"

"When you didn't show up to work for the past two days, I thought... I thought you might have packed up and left town. I was panicked, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I just was afraid that... Phew, Okay. I'm glad to see you here. I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking. I just flew here when your coworker told me that you've been out the past 2 days and that it was really unusual for you to miss work unplanned. Then I had a flashback of you driving away when we were kids and I freaked out. I'll leave now. I'm an idiot. Sorry." He turns to walk out the door.