Make it Right

Chapter 29

You feel weightless. You are completely surrounded by utter darkness and the darkness feels thick and viscous, like molasses. You can't feel your body and moving seems close to impossible. But you hear a voice far in the distance. You can't make out what is being said, but their intonation denotes great sadness.

You wonder, "Who is that? Why are they so sad?" Here, in this syrupy primordial fluid, time doesn't seem to exist. You feel yourself drifting down stream in this molten black honey. Feeling tired, like you haven't slept in weeks, like you've been walking up hill for months, like Sisyphus. Then you hear another voice, still far away. The anguish in this voice is heart breaking. Whose voices are these? Why are they so sad and tormented? You feel a tightness, a squeeze, in your shapeless heart and hope that they find some solace soon."

You like the way you feel here. In this universe, all things are liquid, and without any sharp edges. Then a faint image drifts up to the surface of your mind. It is of a man with a bright smile. You can't seem to stare at it too long, like staring at the Sun. Face so lovely that you might fall in and never find your way out. You dreamily remember falling in once yourself. Is this the bottom? The blurry edged image seems to warm the viscous syrup that is enveloping you, loosening it, allowing for more movement.

You think, "Where have I seen that face before? Memory seemingly just a reach away. It warms me. Perhaps another glimpse. Just one more." The image has dissolved away, but you can hear the voice again, this time a little bit closer. Are they talking about.... Swans? What about swans?You've always loved those large and graceful creatures. They choose and have only one lover in their life, and once chosen, all the other swans become almost non-existent, almost invisible to the two predestined lovers. You always loved that about them. But the fatigue you feel is all consuming, all encompassing. A well-deserved rest for hard-lived life.

You think, "Shall I continue down the current, with the flow, where I can rest my weary body and soul? Or shall I struggle against the inevitable course to see that face one more time? To soak in the warmth of that smile. Maybe just one more peek, just one more look, and just one more... kiss. 

JK and Josh make it back to room 707. They see that the nurse that was caring for your girl is now gone, and she is alone again. This time, she is no longer precariously cover with a bedsheet, but has a hospital gown over her body like a blanket. The two men are seated next to her. One man on her right and the other on her left. Both pleading in their own silent ways for you to wake up, to open your eyes, and get up.... To live. 

Josh suddenly stands up and says, "JK, is there something I should be doing? I can't just sit here and allow my intrusive thoughts to continue to torture me. I need to do something. I need to focus on something that I can control. Fuck! I feel so helpless."

JK says, "Josh, maybe you can call your detective buddy now. See what you can find out about the accident. Then maybe take a walk or something, to clear your head. Do you need to go into work at all? I'll be here. If she wakes up or if something changes, I'll call you. I promise."

"That's a good idea. Let me give my friend a call. Maybe I'll call my office and see what's going on there in my absence. Do you need anything while I'm out and about?"

"No. I'm good. Thank you. I'm glad you are here with us. With me."

Josh gives JK a knowing smile, pats him on the shoulder and walks out of the room to make some phone calls. 

JK is now alone again with the woman that he has known the longest, loves the most, and needs ceaselessly. He feels compelled to talk to you again. "Hey, baby girl. I need you to come back to me, Sweetness. I need more time, more days, more life with you. There are so many things that I need to tell you, so many more days, I need to hold you, be with you, love you. Baby girl, if I could light a beacon by setting my love on fire for you to follow, to walk towards, I would. I love you, so much.

"Isn't it odd? These three little words, 'I Love You,' they aren't enough to express the kind of feelings I have when I think of you, when I am with you. I know you are tired from the road you had to walk, that life had laid out for you so far. But please, I promise, it won't be so hard anymore. Because I'll be walking it with you all the way. Until the bitter end of that rope. So, please Sweetness, come back to me. I can't do this without you. It won't be worth it. I told you before, where you go, I go. Please don't leave me alone. You can't." JK gently lays his hand on your right fingers.

OH! Maybe it was just JK's imagination or wishful thinking, but he swears that he felt your finger move. He says, "I know you can hear me. I felt your hand moving just now. I can feel you closer to me. I can feel you; do you hear me? C'mon baby girl. Just don't give in. Don't leave me alone again." JK slides his hand under your right one. This makes it feel like the two of you are holding hands. That makes JK feel better and makes his heart squeeze. JK prays that you move again. Just a small twitch. Just to let him know that you aren't done. That you aren't giving up. That you would come back to him. JK waits with abated breath. But nothing.

He asks himself, "Did I conjure it up? Was my wish for her to wake up so great that my mind made it up?" The tears fall again. JK starts to flirt with the idea of opening the door all the way to hopelessness. He knows he can't do without you. He holds your lifeless hand. He wants to shake you awake, scream at the top of his lungs for you to open your Goddamn eyes! The source of his tears is vast and bottomless. His heart is bruised and battered. But that lifeless hand he is holding, those cold fingers, are now curled around his hand, holding him in return.