Cowboy Like Me.

CBLM 5

Taylor's POV: 

I had been busy in the studio all week, and Karlie was away in Japan doing a shoot. We hadn't seen each other since the party, apart from a few skype calls, but with the time difference, it had only been for a little while at a time, and I missed her more than I cared to admit. I wasn't even sure when she was getting back. She'd said when we spoke two days ago that she would be stopping at her parent's house on the way home, and I'd only had a few texts checking in, so I could only assume she was busy with her family. 

We hadn't spoken about what had happened in the bathroom; I guess that was becoming the norm for us. We'd kiss and even have sex, but then we'd pretend like it never happened; well, Karlie would. I kind of just went with the flow. Granted, we'd only had sex once, but still, we should have talked about it, right? 

I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to know exactly what was happening and if it was going to be a regular occurrence. I understood that Karlie was confused; figuring out your sexuality was scary, even more so when you were famous and had millions of people watching your every move. I had been there myself; it was stressful and sometimes terrifying. You didn't know who to trust, so you didn't tell anyone. 

Even now, years after I accepted that I wasn't straight, there were still only a few people that knew about my preferences, and the majority of them were sworn to secrecy via NDA. It was a cruel world we lived in, and people liked to destroy things, especially the media. In Hollywood, money talked, and loyalty was like gold dust, but it was the price you paid as a celebrity. 

Any relationships I'd have with women would be passed off as really strong friendships, and if the public started to get suspicious, then I'd have to get a boyfriend. I'd hold his hand and kiss him in public, where I know the paps are. I'd turn up at his shows and go on romantic getaways with him. I'd even write songs with he/him pronouns, and that's all it would take for the general public to think that I'm madly in love with him and that we were going to get married and have babies. 

They wouldn't pay attention to the girl who always seemed to be there in the background; they wouldn't acknowledge that she also had green eyes, like the ones I sang about. They wouldn't care that ninety-five per cent of that song could be traced back to her if they just did some research because the other five per cent was all him, and the proof was in the pictures and the pronouns. 

However, there would always be a minority that saw through the lies, that analysed the lyrics and knew that something didn't add up. They'll do extensive research, and they'll find solid proof that maybe I'm not who everyone believes I am, that this relationship doesn't quite fit the picture the media are painting, and perhaps the girl that was always hanging around  was more than what she seemed. But when they show their friends and family, or even a random person on the internet, they'll get ridiculed, they'll get called delusional and they'll be told that they shouldn't assume someone's sexuality because I'm clearly straight and dating a man. 

Those people will defend my straightness with their lives because how can I be queer when they've seen me kissing a man? How can I be singing about women when I use male pronouns? Why would I multilayer my lyrics and queer code? Why would there be a song on my new album with the same title as my ex-boyfriend's last name if it wasn't about him? Also, he looks a little like James Dean, right? They'll ignore the fact that the woman who was always with us did a photoshoot for a magazine called instyle and how that photoshoot was inspired by James Dean because that doesn't fit their narrative. They'll never see the truth because they don't want to, and that was perfectly fine with me. The people that would accept me would see me for who I was and that's all that mattered. 

I shook my head, trying to dislodge the thoughts of Diana; it wouldn't do to get caught up thinking about her now. We had been over for ten months, and I'd choose to move to New York instead of England, killing any chances of us ever getting back together. I had a new life, and for once, I was genuinely happy and excited for the future. More importantly, I had Karlie and that was everything.