Cowboy Like Me.

Chapter 12 (part 1)

I pulled a pillow over my head as I rolled onto my side and tried to drown out the constant ringing that seemed to be seared into my brain, making my head pound violently. 'Babe, please answer the phone. I feel like my head is going to explode,' the voice from behind me rasped. 

I cringed as I remembered I had brought home a girl last night. It wasn't just any girl either, it was someone I had known a long time but for some reason, I decided that last night was the best time to cross the boundaries of our friendship and have sex. 

Toni was the first person I had slept with since Taylor ended our affair almost three months ago, and that included Josh, who I was no longer with and who I hadn't been with for two and a half months now. 

I had finally come clean to him and told him that I thought I might be bisexual, and I knew that because I had hooked up with a woman multiple times behind his back. I hadn't told him who it was, and he had never asked, which I was grateful for. 

Josh had reacted as expected, there was a lot of yelling, crying and harsh words said out of anger that we now regretted, but ultimately we had ended on good terms. After a few days apart, which had given us both a chance to calm down and think about things rationally, we had sat down and spoken properly and had come to the decision that we would take a break from our relationship so I could take time to figure myself out and reevaluate how I felt about him. 

We had both agreed that we could see other people as long as we kept it on the down-low. It would be a bad PR move to announce our split only two weeks after I had posted my first ever lovey-dovey post about him with a picture of us from the wedding to squash any rumours about me either dating Louis or Harry. Josh also didn't want his family to know until I was sure I never wanted to get back with him because as much as he was going to allow me to explore my sexuality, he was still convinced we would get married in the end. It had been his goal from the beginning; he needed an heir, and I had always wanted stability and a big family. It had been the perfect plan until I went and ruined it with my gayness. 

We had agreed to still attend events together and do whatever else needed to be done to keep up appearances but other than that, we would just do our own thing. He had no idea that it was Taylor I had cheated on him with, and it was something that I never planned on him finding out. 

I hadn't heard from Taylor since the day I left her hotel room back in April; I had changed my number as soon as I had got back to New York, believing that a clean break would be the best thing for both of us. I obviously hadn't thoroughly thought it out though because, only three weeks ago, I had almost bumped into her in the street. With her being away on tour and everything with Josh and I, I had totally forgotten she literally lived ten minutes away from me. I had been walking to the gym when I spotted her on the other side of the street. She had saw me too and we kind of just stared at one another before her attention was taken by a woman I had never seen before. 

It had hurt more than I thought possible because while I thought about her often, I was sure that my feelings for her had disappeared but apparently not, evidently I still felt as strongly for her as I always had. After that, I had made sure that we never ended up in the same room together; I had turned down two events that I knew she would be attending. The first time I told everyone I was sick, and they didn't question it, but the second time raised suspicions, and it was then that I had come clean to Cara and Lily.

They had both seen Taylor at the first event I had skipped, and when they asked if she had seen me, she had told them that we had fallen out of touch; she had made up some bullshit excuse about us both being busy and not having time for one another before she had quickly changed the subject. 

Cara hadn't been at all shocked when I'd confessed that we had an affair though she was mad that I wouldn't tell her how or when it started, but just that it had been intense and messy from start to finish. I didn't want to go into too much detail without Taylor's approval as it wasn't just my secret to tell and I knew how meticulous she was about her privacy. Cara did try guessing though and she guessed that it either started at the beach house or Taylor's house warming.