Cowboy Like Me.

Chapter 9

I didn't look up as Josh placed a plate of bacon and eggs in front of me before taking a seat opposite me. He had been back home for two days, and I was really trying to act normal around him but it was proving more difficult with every hour that passed. 

It had been almost a month since I'd seen Taylor, well, at least physically; we skyped whenever we could, and we texted every day, but yet it wasn't enough. I missed her to the point where it physically hurt sometimes, which wasn't normal, was it? 

'Anything interesting in there?' Josh asked me as he pointed to the paper I had been staring at for ten minutes. The truth was, I didn't know because I hadn't read any of it, but I forced a smile anyway. 

'Not really,' I chuckled as I set it aside and picked up my fork, 'this looks great, thank you.' 

'Anytime, babe. I'm just glad we're both off this week so we can spend some much-needed quality time together,' he said excitedly with a grin.

'Yeah,' I said, trying to sound as enthusiastic as he did, 'it's not very often we have this opportunity.' 

'Are you okay?' He asked as he put down his cutlery and reached for my hand across the table. 

'Of course, why wouldn't I be?' I responded, hoping the irritation I felt didn't show in my voice. 

'I don't know,' he sighed. 'You've been off since I mentioned the NDA; are you still mad at me?

'Of course not,' I lied effortlessly as I pulled my hand back and started eating my breakfast again. 'I'm just exhausted; I worked non-stop for three weeks.' 

That wasn't a lie, but it also wasn't the main reason for my bad mood. I was feeling guilty; ever since we argued about the NDA and I pointed out how he had acted that night, he had been trying his hardest to make things right between us, which had been kind of difficult for him since he had been away a lot, but he had still put the effort in. 

When I'd gotten home from Taylor's, there had been flowers and a hamper of my favourite things with an apology note, telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me. Then while I was in Australia, he had flown my sisters out to spend the weekend with me as a surprise. He'd really been trying to show me how much he loved and cared about me, and here I was, pining for someone else, wishing that it was Taylor sitting in front of me instead of him and hoping that she'd call so that I could see her face. 

That should have been enough for me to break it off with him, but it wasn't, and it was solely because I was selfish; I still loved him, and I couldn't bring myself to break his heart like that; I wanted him, but I knew I wanted Taylor more yet I still didn't have the guts to do anything about it. It was eating me up; the guilt, the shame, all the lying and hiding, it was getting too much, but every time I even thought about breaking up with him or even just explaining that I was going through an identity crisis, I always conveniently found a reason not to. 

Mainly, disappointing my family, who were convinced that Josh was my Prince Charming and that we were going to get married and have a house full of children. Or disappointing his family, who already hated me and who he had to fight with to get them even to accept that he was dating me. They thought he could do way better than a simple model who didn't even finish high school and they had tried multiple times to set him up with women with a similar upbringing to his, who wasn't an embarrassment to his family and friends. I apparently wasn't high class, wealthy or intelligent enough for their precious Joshua. 

Josh had shut them down every time, though; he'd defended me to the point of threatening to cut them out of his life; he didn't need their money. He made enough of his own, and I did too. It seemed like they had finally accepted me a year into our relationship when they started putting my name on Christmas cards and inviting me to the pompous parties, but I soon realised it was all just for show; it turned out the media had been wondering why I was never seen with them when we had been dating for two years, and they just wanted to smooth everything over.