Ace of Spades

Emptiness In Me

Then she did what she should have done years ago.

She ran after her.

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Risa forced herself to move. She had to talk to her and fix the mess she just made. Risa knew she was treading dangerous waters again and she felt stupid for letting herself get that drunk.

Drunk to the point that she couldn't filter the words coming out of her mouth. Drunk to the point that her suppressed feelings were able to make its way out of her mouth. You're so stupid, Risa.

She ran after Leni and stopped her before she could close the door. "Please, let's talk."

"Talk?" Leni laughed bitterly. "Ano pang pag-uusapan? I already told you what you wanted to know. Ayun na pwede na kalimutan."

Risa wasn't invited to Leni's hotel room, but she stepped in anyway. "What I said...Leni..."

"Ano bang sasabihin mo? Anong paliwanag pa? Lasing ka, alam ko. Tapos?"

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I said that. Hindi ko alam kung anong sinasabi ko, hindi ko dapat sinabi 'yun."

"Okay. Apology accepted. Makakaalis ka na."

"Pwede ba natin 'tong pag-usapan? Ayoko nang ganito."

"Ano pa bang pag-uusapan natin?" Leni panted. She was losing control of her emotions, her voice was raising, and she was not in a stable mental capacity to think about the things she would say next.

"Leni, please. You know what we have to talk about."

"Talk about what?" Her voice was exasperated now. She was tired and so was Risa.

"Us!"

"Us? Walang 'us', Risa."

Leni should not have said that. She shouldn't have said that but she did anyway so there's no more turning back. "Tangina, alam mo ba kung gaano kahirap pulutin 'yung sarili ko after I let you go? Diba sinabi ko sa'yo na 'wag mong sayangin 'yung iniyak mo, 'yung sakit na pinagdaanan mo, para sa isang pagmamahal na hindi mo kayang maranasan completely. I told you not to waste the love you found after a love that held you back. Bakit mo sasabihin 'yun?"

Unable to stop her outburst, Leni walked to the farther end of the room. As far away as she could from Risa without leaving the space they were in. She breathed deeply, trying to calm herself as much as she could.

"I was drunk! Hindi ko alam kung ano 'yung sinasabi ko."

"Alam mo ba kung ano pang sinabi mo? Sabi mo masakit pa rin. Sabi mo nagseselos ka kay Christopher, sabi mo pakiramdam mo nagchecheat ka sa'kin kapag ginagawa mo 'yung mga dating ginagawa natin kapag kasama mo si Lucas. Sabi mo natutunan mo naman eventually pero hindi ibig sabihin no'n hindi mo namimiss gawin 'yun nang kasama ako. Sinabi mo lahat 'yun. Tangina, Risa. Ang gulo gulo mo."

"Akala mo ba hindi ako naguguluhan sa sarili ko? That's why I'm apologizing now and I'm trying to talk to you so we can fix this."

"There's nothing to fix! Anong sense kung aayusin natin? Magagawa ba natin 'yung gusto nating gawin? Hindi pa rin naman diba? At alam mo, this is so ironic coming from you na pag-usapan natin. Last time I checked, iniwasan at trinato mo ako na parang walang nangyari sa'tin when you realized na may nararamdaman ka para sa'kin dati. Do you remember?"

"Punyeta, that was years ago, Leni!"

They were shouting at each other now, completely letting go of all self-control and just saying what was on their minds without thinking if it will hurt the other person. They hated it. They hated it so much. But it had to be done or they would continue going around in circles like they've always done.