Ace of Spades

Tear It Apart

"Paano kung ikaw pa rin?"

Leni didn't look back. She opened the door and didn't look back, fearing that she was going to be swallowed by the darkness of the room. Swallowed by the feeling of wanting to be with Risa and stay with her there. The feeling which she has missed more than she thought she did.

Paano nga ba?

Her chest felt more constricted than ever, like every intake of air wasn't enough. She needed to breathe because all she could feel, all she could inhale was Risa's scent, haunting her, begging her — Come back, I miss you.

Paano kung parehas kami ng iniisip?

Tears were about to flood her eyes and she knew very well that once she starts crying, she wouldn't stop. She entered her hotel room, that which her daughters insisted she stayed in alone since it was her birthday and they wanted to give her the rest she so badly needed.

Her hands shook as she swiped the keycard and as soon as the door closed, everything she did was autopilot. By default, and by routine, during the nights she spent crying over Risa, she got in the bathroom, turned the shower on, let it run and fill the bathtub.

She didn't get inside the tub, though.

Like those horrible, painful nights that she spent muffling her cries of agony, she used the running water to quiet her sobs down because her hand covering her mouth wasn't enough. Then she realized she didn't need any of that. Tonight, no one was here but her.

No more holding back.

She let the tears fall freely, let the wails and gasps for air escape her mouth without hesitation, let herself slip up and make mistakes because tonight was the only night she could do that. Tonight would be the only night she'll allow herself to do that. Not because it was her birthday, but because she heard the exact words from Risa that she knew could fuck everything up.

And yet...

It made her so happy to hear it.

Leni covered her face with her hands, feeling so selfish and ashamed because why was she so happy to hear it?

Bakit ngayon pa? Bakit kung kailan mas lalong hindi pwede?

Being around Risa, in such close proximity and more times than she anticipated, was dangerous. She already knew something like this would happen.

Their love was that which slipped easily, both for better and for worse. When she decided to drink the Ace of Clubs and allowed herself to look at Risa that way, when she asked her to get married and led her to the alleyway, when she let her body move freely along with Risa's in that hotel room after their wedding.

It slipped so easily when they got back home. They started slipping into routines, and when she finally realized that she was looking at Risa the way she shouldn't be,she may have reminded herself that they were just friends but still, she let herself slip and feel.

They let their hands intertwine, their lives intertwine, so easily that when the divorce papers arrived, it felt like reality smacked them at the back of their heads, scolding them for being so careless, so immature, and so, so in love.

But Leni and Risa, being two stubborn people, still let their love slip through the cracks of the glass stopping them from loving freely. They let themselves pour it unto each other, no matter how little the spaces were, until their love was enough to complete and mend each other's broken hearts.

And then they let that love slip easily too.

So they mourned for it — for the love that they never got to feel entirely, for the love they never got to experience to the fullest.