Ace of Spades

Love Unfinished

Trigger warning: panic attack
Please don't read this if you're not in the right headspace.

Risa hurriedly closed the door, her stomach churning. She could feel the bile in her throat. Her feet brought her to the bathroom, one hand immediately going to the shower knob. She turned it on and let the water run, muffling whatever sound she was going to make.

Hindi niya ako pwedeng marinig. Ayokong makita niya akong ganito. Leni can't know.

She kneeled down on the floor, opened the toilet seat cover and retched all the contents of her stomach. There weren't a lot since she really hasn't eaten much throughout the day. It made her throat hurt. Her stomach churned even more as the foul smell made its way to her nostrils.

Flushing down the contents of the commode, she wiped her mouth, and rested against the bathroom wall, submerging herself under the shower that continued to pour. The pattering sound filled her already-ringing ears. It was quiet and calm, no other sound than the water softly dropping on the tile. To Risa, however, it was deafening. Her hands resting on her lap trembled, her clothes stuck to her skin, hair wet from the shower.

She wanted to cry.

She wanted to let the tears fall, let it break and flow until there's not enough water in her body so that it goes dry.

But why were the tears not coming?

Risa stared blankly at the space of her bathroom, her mind now empty. She had a lot to think about, a lot to fix, a lot to say and do. But at that moment, on the bathroom floor, there was nothing.

Risa felt like she was nothing.

Her work, the Lucas thing, and Leni, were nothing.

She was here — an empty shell of nothingness, full of exhaustion and frustration, and perhaps still grief — and she felt nothing.

Wala akong maramdaman.

Bakit wala akong maramdaman?

She didn't know what happened next, just that someone was calling her name. And then the bathroom door opened. Her gaze didn't shift to the person who entered. It remained wherever it was turned to.

Suddenly, the water stopped pouring from above her. She looked up and there was Leni — her Leni — face struck with panic and tears streaming from her eyes.

She felt her heart clench at the sight of her for a fleeting second. Bakit ka umiiyak, mahal ko?

Then, just like earlier, she felt nothing again.

Leni was asking something. Risa didn't know what she was saying though. She couldn't hear her, couldn't make out the words that were coming out of her mouth.

Warm and wet hands held Risa's face, thumbs on her cheekbones, palms on the sides of her head. She closed her eyes and leaned in, desperate to feel something other than this void, dark, hole in her being.

Wala akong maramdaman.

Bakit wala pa rin akong maramdaman?

She pulled away from Leni's touch, thumping her head back against the wall. She felt Leni panic, hands touching everywhere on her body as if looking for something. In the midst of it all, she remembered. Ayokong makita niya akong ganito.

"I'm fine..." Risa whispered, throat aching and scratchy from throwing up.

Leni sat next to her, arms wrapping around her wet frame. When Risa was around her, in the past, she would be this ball of sunshine, full of energy and love because Leni inspired that from her. But not now. Not anymore.