Ace of Spades

Conversations They Never Had

She woke up the next day, feeling ultimately better than last night. It was the best sleep she's ever had since the campaign started and she was glad to finally get that kind of rest. Her alarm woke the other person laying beside her and she smiled internally, remembering that it was Leni who was with her before she fell asleep.

Leni — who held her, calmed her down, and stayed until she became okay.

Opening her eyes, she expected the older woman to be there. She expected to see her in last night's campaign clothes still, laying beside her and sleeping peacefully.

But it wasn't Leni. It was her boyfriend, the first person she thought of calling last night because he knew exactly how to calm her down. But he wasn't there so he called Leni to take his place.

That seemed to wake her up to reality. Her reality. The reality she chose to live in because she couldn't hold on to the "relationship" she had with her.

You shouldn't have called her, she wanted to tell him. I don't want her knowing that there are days I'm like that.

She got up and opened her phone, calling Leni. Risa knew she was already awake that early, preparing for the day ahead. "Leni, good morning," she greeted.

"Good morning, Risa. Kumusta ka? Kagigising mo lang?"

"Oo. Thank you for last night ha? Nakaabala pa ako sa'yo. You ate dinner naman ba bago mo ako pinuntahan?"

"Ikaw 'tong nagpapanic attack kagabi pero mas concerned ka pa sa akin. Yes, I already ate dinner bago kita pinuntahan. And don't worry about it. Nag-alala rin ako kagabi kasi wala ka sa baba."

"Thank you, sobra. I really appreciate na sinamahan mo ako dito. Why didn't you wake me up bago ka umalis?"

"Ayokong putulin 'yung tulog mo. You were probably tired because of all that crying. Saka nando'n naman na si Lucas when I left."

"Oh...did he say something to you?"

"Tungkol saan? Wala naman kaming napag-usapan kasi inaantok pa ako. May dapat ba akong malaman?"

"Wala, wala," Risa dropped the subject. "'Wag na nating pag-usapan 'yun. Please don't tell anyone about it pala, if that's okay. Especially the kids kasi they're going to worry."

Leni knew better than to push those kinds of conversations on Risa so she agreed even though she found it quite suspicious. "Okay, hindi na ako magtatanong about it and I won't tell the kids naman. But are you okay now? Kaya mo umattend ng sorties?"

"Yes, Leni. Kayang-kaya na. Thank you ulit. Sobrang thank you."

"No problem, Risa. See you later. Mag-message kapag may kailangan na kahit ano."

"See you later."

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A few days have passed since that happened and none of them brought it up since. Risa didn't want Leni to bring it up so Leni didn't. But every now and then, the vice president would glance at the senator, a concerned look on her face, asking if she was okay.

They were in Dumaguete today and Leni should have known better.

She had read shady and inappropriate placards previously, some of which got her dragged down to dirt by her competitors, so you'd think that she knew better.

You'd think she would be more careful of what she would read out loud because most, if not all her rallies have amounted to more than 10,000 attendees already.

"Leni," she read out loud. In her mind, she thought about the previous placards she saw which made her name an acronym. She had a lot of fun reading those so she thought, why not read this one?

She should not have read that one.

"Lawyer, ekonomista, naninindigan, I love you Sen. Risa."

She didn't realize it at first, reading another placard after that. But when she walked backstage and made eye contact with Risa, she remembered the words that left her mouth. She approached her immediately, not wanting to make things so awkward between them.

"Risa, sorry sa kanina. Hindi ko dapat binasa 'yung placard."

"Leni, ano ka ba. It's fine. Ikaw na nagsabi, binasa mo lang naman 'yung placard."

But it didn't feel like she only read the placard aloud. To Risa, it was nostalgic. A familiar sound that she hadn't heard in a long time. Like a song you've heard in the past that when you hear again, the feeling and the vibe that you've experienced then, you experience now. Hearing Leni say those three words and then say her name was like her being pulled back to the past.

Pulled back to the reality she wished she had.

"Seryoso nga, Leni. Stop overthinking it. Okay lang."

"Sure 'yan ha. Baka na-weird out ka."

"I'm sure."

And like the conversation relating to Risa's panic attack, none of them brought it up since. Risa knew Leni didn't want her to bring it up because she felt embarrassed as is, so she didn't. But every now and then, the senator would smile reassuringly at the vice president, a soft smile on her face which reached her eyes, saying that it's okay and she didn't need to worry.

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They were in Cebu and Risa's heart was pounding in her chest.

She and Teddy walked towards Leni who stood upstage. Risa raised her arm, flashing the L sign to the crowd. So many people were here. So many people loved Leni that it was defeaning.

Leni held her hand out and the other woman looked at her in shock. Risa gave her a look as if asking, Are you sure?

The older woman kept her hand held out, that dimpled smile on her face, eyes asking her to just hold it.

Hold her hand and don't think about anything else. Touch her palms, intwine their fingers together, and let everything else that's there just remain to be there.

Let everything else be chaos but them.

Let it be loud.

And boisterous.

But I'm here with you. Just as I always had been.

And as I always will be. So don't worry about a thing.

Hold my hand and don't mind anything else.

That, right there, with them holding hands, raised above their head, in front of that many people, was peace.

It was enough to make them feel what they've always been wanting to know about.

Ganito pala 'yung pakiramdam kapag hinawakan ko 'yung kamay mo sa harap ng maraming tao.

This is how it feels like to let the world know I'm with you and you're with me.

And as quickly as that moment began, it ended. But she wasn't saddened by that because for a fleeting moment, for even the few seconds that it lasted, she was able to hold her hand in front of so many people like she had always wanted to since realizing that she loved her.

But like the other things they didn't talk about — Risa's panic attack and the 'I love you' — they didn't talk about the hand holding either. The difference was they didn't need to talk about the last one because that action, that simple gesture, spoke so much more about them than they've ever done.

Let everything else be chaos but us.