Ace of Spades

The Morning After (Part 2 of 2)

"Now or never, right?"

"Okay...kailan nagsimula 'yung panic attacks?"

Risa hesitated. She'd been hiding this from Leni for so long that saying it out loud to her, in such close proximity, in such an intimate way, made it feel unreal. Like she couldn't believe she actually lived through those tough occurrences. "Hindi ko maalala when exactly. But it was after one of those days we'd spend at the OVP. Nag-umpisa paunti-unti lang. Pagkauwi galing work or basta kapag gabi. Tapos naging mas often. Nagkikita tayo sa umaga pero pag-uwi, I'd get them..."

When Leni didn't reply, Risa panicked and clasped her wrist using her free hand. "Please, huwag mong sisihin 'yung sarili mo. That's not your fault, Leni. It never was and it still isn't."

"Pero I had a hand in it," Leni replied meekly. Perhaps Leni's refusal to talk to her during the campaign, even when she had insisted many times that they had to talk about them made it worst. Or maybe not them, but just that they had to talk. Maybe she was going to tell her about that then.

Perhaps she should have decided to run earlier so they'd have more time to prepare. Maybe then, Risa would not have been left as the lone opposition.

"Hindi mo pa rin fault. Please stop putting the blame on yourself. Hindi kita sinisisi kaya huwag mo ring sisihin 'yung sarili mo."

Leni met her gaze and Risa could see her tearing up. "Promise me you won't blame yourself for this. Or that you'll stop blaming yourself already. Promise me that, Leni."

Or perhaps, she should not have asked her to get married 6 years ago.

"I promise."

The older woman returned to cleaning her wounds, still not fully assured that she shouldn't be blaming herself for this. But she promised. And a promise, especially to the woman she loved — loves — isn't one she ever intended to break.

She applied petroleum jelly to the cuts and bandaged them to prevent the wounds from reopening.

"Are you mad at me?" Risa whispered, giving her other hand to Leni so she could treat that one.

"For choosing to protect yourself, myself, and our children over us? Syempre hindi," Leni swallowed the lump in her throat. Leni hated herself for the fact that she had to witness Risa like that last night just so that she could finally choose to talk instead of bottle it up. "It hurt, but that doesn't mean na hindi ko naiintindihan kung bakit. If anything, gusto kong magpasalamat kasi mas naging rational ka kaysa sa'kin nang mga panahong 'yun. Pero for a while, aaminin ko, nagalit ako. Lalo na no'ng kasal na nando'n kayo tapos pinakilala mo siya sa'kin."

Risa kept her eyes on her palm atop Leni's hand. The older woman continued to talk.

"Matagal na nakalipas after we ended things between us pero hindi ko mawari paanong may Lucas agad. And I thought, the whole time na nando'n kayo, ano bang kasalanan ko para parusahan ako ng pagkakataon at ipanood sa'king masaya ka sa piling ng iba? It reminded me of what we had, or what we could have had. What we could have been. And of what I could not give...

Eventually naman, with time, naging okay sa'kin kasi naintindihan ko. Panahon na rin naman para umusad tayo at ang sama ko naman if I'll hold that against you. Siguro, hindi ko lang matanggap na nakausad ka na pero ako nando'n pa rin."

"I'm sorry," Risa said, tears now falling on her cheeks at the memory of the night she introduced Lucas to Leni. Oh, how she hated herself after that. But then again, she made her choice. Risa was not one to not stand by her decisions.