In Too Deep (A Stray Kids/GOT7 AMBW Fanfic)

Chapter 26 Pt. 3

Fuck.

Fucked.

Fucked up.

I can't think of any other words to describe how I'm feeling or what I did... I fucked up.

I just got so angry...

I didn't even think— I couldn't... there were no thoughts. I just reacted off instinct.

How else was I supposed to react when another man was kissing the love of my life?

I saw the blue confetti and was so happy. A boy first. That's what we agreed to in the park. A big brother and his younger twin sisters. I hoped he'd look like me but have his mother's nose. My hopes and dreams were coming true and I couldn't  have been happier.

My band mates ran up to me and swarmed, jumping in excitement. I jumped in a circle excitedly, turning in the perfect speed to watch Felix kiss Kimmie. That was enough to spoil my mood. It didn't take but two seconds to storm over them and pull them apart by grabbing Kimmie's shoulder. I was so mad... but I put too much force into it and didn't pay enough attention because I was too busy throwing a punch at Felix.

I keep doing this. First the Idol Party and now this? When will I stop making the dumbest mistakes? Kimmie ran away from me but only after I abandoned her.

It was all my fault.

I got on the first flight I could and went back to China to work on Team Wang stuff. It'd probably be best if I just leave her alone until our son is born... because if I was her... I wouldn't wanna see me till then either.

Maybe if I'm lucky she'll tell me when she's in labor.

Though knowing her... I'll probably just have to show up back her parents house. And I know her mom won't be as welcoming as last time.

I really fucked up.

In China, I've been working on my new album, trying to distract myself. I was hoping to go on tour next year, which was so scary to think about. But if my son is in fact mine, I'm putting my tour plans on hold. I can still release an album but my tour would be postponed until after my son turns 1. I wanna be there for all his firsts. First words, first laugh, his first time crawling and then walking. I don't want to miss another moment.

I want to be an active parent. Xi deserves both parents. Xi- shit... We never even discussed names. Do I really even deserve to name him?

Damn it! I really fucked up.

But I can't dwell on that now. I have shit to take care of before the kid is born.

O_o

I couldn't let anyone know that shit is all messed up. So I carried on the way I normally do. Flying in and out of China to Korea, doing whatever I could to keep up appearances.

"Jackson, you good?" Mark Hyung asks, throwing an arm around my shoulder. I was throwing a party to celebrate... something? I don't know, it's just to get my mind off everything honestly. But I missed my Hyung since I haven't seen him since the incident.

It's been two months since then and I know that Kimmie should be going into labor in these next upcoming weeks. And it's been stressing me out to not know what's going on but she hasn't talked me yet and I know what that means. So I'm throwing a party so that I have a reason to get drunk.

"Yeah Hyung," I shrug him off. "I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?" He gives me this look that says he doesn't believe me in the slightest.

"Jackson be forreal, I'm serious," he shakes his head. "You might be able to fool every body else but I know better. Bam Bam too. We're worried about you."

I sigh heavily, "What's there to be worried about? Hmm? I'm out, working hard on the new album, I got singles getting ready to drop... I'm even in talks of doing a song with Ciara. I'm literally in the best space since we left JYP. Only thing missing is Ahgases but their love surrounds us always, so when everybody comes back from the military and stuff, we'll be back together like nothing ever happened. I'm doing great."

"Jackson... you're rambling to distract me but it won't work."

I roll my eyes and kiss my teeth.

"Ahgases were a good touch though," he chuckles. "When was the last time you spoke to Kimmie?" His tone changed and it made me grimace.

"I haven't spoken to her," I whisper lowly.

"What did you say?"

I say it again at the same volume. My stomach starts to twist in knots. I'm ashamed and it's hard to own up to it.

"Huh?! Jackson speak up!!"

"I said I haven't spoken to her!" I yell, my emotions taking over.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was literally throwing a party in 15 minutes and I only asked Mark Hyung to come over early so I could see him, not to speak on my trials.

Tears well up in my eyes, threatening to fall as I go and find the nearest bottle of scotch, taking gulps straight from the bottle.

"What the hell Jackson?!" He snatches the bottle out of my hands. "Why haven't you spoken to her?!" He was mad. Of course he was mad. I'm mad. Mad at myself but what could I do?

"Listen, the best thing I can do is just stay away for now. I've caused so many problems for Kimmie... I just can't hurt her anymore," I start crying. "Fuck!" I grab a glass cup from the scotch tray and launch it at the wall, unsatisfied with the  forceful shatter noise it made as it collided.

Mark Hyung stands there, stunned, before hugging me. My legs feel weak as he holds me tight in his grasp and it makes me cry even harder. I just hug him back and letting it out.

"I've hurt her in a way that 'I'm sorry' can't fix. They wouldn't even let see her in the hospital. It hurts and I can't make the feeling stop. I don't even deserve for it to stop, I caused this!" I feel his hand rub my head as I cried out. I feel so weak and useless. "I hate myself."

"That's why you've been overworking yourself. C'mon now, Jackson. It's okay, things happen. Kimmie is fine. Bang Chan is keeping me in the loop since I didn't want to ask you. But she's good. Baby is good. But Jackson you can't keep this facade up. You're not helping anyone by working yourself to death."

I take a step back and harshly wipe my face. Music begins to blare, alerting me that the guests have started to arrive. I grab the bottle back from him and take another shot.

"It's the best I got... Now thank you for the update," I sniff hard as I try to pull myself together. "But I have a party to get ready for and now I look a mess." I laugh but there's no humor left in my voice. "Thanks for the advice Hyung, I'll see you out there."

He sighs, shaking his head, but walks out anyway, giving me my privacy.

I take an extra 15 minutes to collect myself. I walk to the door and take a deep breath.

Inhale

Exhale

I pull out my phone, type out a quick message, and then put it back away, before opening the door and walking out into the party.

Kimmiecakes... I'm so sorry.
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No excuses, just a hey how are yall? I've tried to write this chapter for a year and this the best I got. I'm sorry lol. Until next chapter... K