Why am I afraid? | Seongjoong

Chapter XIII : The Worst Mistake

~Seonghwa~

Right when he said that something broke in me. I could feel my heart sinking. I thought I was going to throw up. I just stand there unable to move. I needed time to realize.
Is the whole world broken or is it just mine?

I don't want his fucking excuses. I thought he loved me, at least liked me. I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell him all the things I had on my mind and heart. I wanted to say how much I love him. Fuck I love him.

But nothing came out.

Nothing makes sense anymore. My legs were shaking, they couldn't support my weight anymore. I fell on my knees. All I could manage to say was : "I-I need a moment alone. Can you just go? Please, just get out."

Tears flowing down his face, he couldn't even look at me. He didn't say anything more, he just stepped out of the studio. Before closing the door, he whispered. "I am so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

How can you cry?
You didn't want to hurt me?
Is it a joke?
I'm the one who should be crying. You-you are the one who broke my heart. Of course, that hurts. What did you expect?
That I would be fine? Happy? Relieved?
What about all the kisses and the cuddles? What about the sweet talks and pillow talks?
What about me?
I want to hate you so much right now. Why can't I hate you?
I feel myself dying, completely numb by the pain in my chest, completely empty. A lump in my throat. A thousand knives piercing my heart.

A loud growl of distress was the first sound that came out of my mouth.

"I FUCKING HATE YOU HONGJOONG! Do not ever even dare talking to me again!
HOW could you-How could you do this to me!" I yelled as loud as I could. Obviously, it was a lie. I don't hate him but that's what I wanted to feel.

I finally let my tears run out, rolling down, crashing on the floor. I tried to wipe them away but uncontrollably floods of tears falling again, again and again. I folded my knees against my chest, pressing my forehead against them. I was shaking due to the tears.
So painful.

How am I supposed to breathe now that you're gone?

~Hongjoong~

I hate myself too right now.

My heart broke in millions of pieces. I am truly sorry Seonghwa. It just seemed to be the right thing to do. You're so precious, too precious for me. I didn't mean to harm you.

I wanted to protect you even if it was from myself. You deserve so much more. I feel like I won't be able to give you the world. I know I would've loved you with all my heart but is it enough? That can't be enough.

I sat down against the door I've just closed hearing Seonghwa, every word, every scream, every tear. I stayed there, crying with him, until Wooyoung came.

"Hongjoong. You need to go now. Don't hurt yourself more. You also need to let him some privacy. Come with me, please." He said with the most serious face I've ever seen. He offered me his hand. I took it, firmly holding it.

"I should go out for a moment. I just need to clear my mind." I said, completely defeated.
I grabbed my coat and headed out.

It was raining. That's a bit ironic I thought. I went out anyway, letting the rain run on my face melting with my own tears. It felt good. I almost forgot what happened. The rain intensified, my clothes were soaking wet but who cares. I let my mind and my thoughts slip away for an instant.
So peaceful.