𝘼𝙙𝙢𝙞𝙣 𝘽𝙤𝙤𝙠 + 𝙌&𝘼

ᴠᴇɴᴛ #3

Topic: Loneliness and the feeling of being alone.

Why do I feel so alone? Even when I'm with my friends, when I'm in the only damn good friend group I have ever had, I still feel....alone. I'm not a stranger to this feeling, in fact this feeling sometimes can be nice. Comforting. No one can bother you, no one can hurt you, no one can get close to you, and no one can....right, it's only good for defenses, ain't it? As much as I adore solitude, it can get cumbersome. So why do I desire it but also hate it? I wish I knew, but I don't. I've always been the one who was left out, last choice, second choice. But never, never anyone's first choice. There would always be someone much smarter than me, prettier than me, funnier than me, likeable than me, just anyone who was not me.

Back in Freshman year, I had a friend group. They have invited me to a party, then right in front of me they said some like, "Oh, well we don't Ash to come. I mean, she'll ruin the fun. She's too much of a worry wort and a teachers pet, she'll probably bring her mom along with us too when we go tricker treating. We don't want that." And just like that, my so called friends were on board with the other girl's suggestion, immediately turning on me. I didn't have anywhere else to sit, so I rolled with them. They seemed to really like my company in middle school...so what changed? Tch....right. It's me we're talking about, me! A fuck up of a r*tard who doesn't belong here! On this planet! As much as it hurt, I can't say I'd blame them. Even when I was younger other kids didn't like me, even the teachers didn't like me.

God, I can't stand this constant pattern of lies and betrayal. I just can't escape it, can I??? I've come to expect the absolute worst from others, no matter how much of a saint they may be. I still think they're great at heart, but that doesn't excuse them from cruel or hurtful actions/words. Not at all. Even prettiest roses can have the sharpest of thorns. And if they don't betray me after all? Incredible! And if they do betray me after all, at least I was mentally prepared for it.

But what does it matter? I'm better off alone anyway...