𝘼𝙙𝙢𝙞𝙣 𝘽𝙤𝙤𝙠 + 𝙌&𝘼

ᴠᴇɴᴛ #6

Topic: Suicide...just, suicide. A note. Feel free to ignore.

I would never have thought to feel the need to write one of these, but alas the future is full of surprises. I'm doing it just incase.

I think I'm going to quit. Just...die. Everyday has been a constant battle of survival inside my head, every breath has been heavier than the last. All I do is inconvenience those around me, especially with my instability. I offer nothing, I am nothing. I'm not deserving of anyone or anything, especially the one I love. They're so perfect in everyway, far out of my league. They are one of my only few wills to live, which is why writing this now makes me upset. But let's be honest, I'm really not that special. The angel that I adore can easily find a replacement, someone more stable and pretty, just equally as perfect. I don't understand what the one I love and my friends see in me in the first place. I have manners? Well, anyone can have manners. Therefore anyone can replace me. But not everyone has talent, just like myself. I love them, I truly do...I just, I just am not worth the time and energy.

I'm annoying, ugly, stupid, flat as all hell, and so much more disgusting things. I'm not at all attractive.

Not many days in and they have already has seen my horrible side, the side that will never let me go. That will never let me live in peace. I shouldn't be begging so much for them to save me, it's offly immature and selfish of me. I should just keep quiet from now on and never speak my mind again, I don't want to push them away by accident...

These thoughts...they won't leave me be. They've grown much more cruel, much more...believable.

"No one would miss you if you just killed yourself."

"You don't deserve a lover, you deserve an enemy who will take you to your grave."

"You're so broken that no one wants to even attempt to fix you."

"Just you wait...they'll replace you soon enough. Don't get too comfortable..."

"You're too ugly and talented to love. Not to mention guarded."

"Your friends all hate you, they're just staying around out of pure pity."

"They probably regret ever loving you. I bet they'll take it back after this."

Etc, etc...

I thought I finally fought back those thoughts, that the devil had finally stopped deceiving me. But here we are. I used to be optimistic, I used to believe in myself, I used to have confidence. But once you figure out that you were never wanted in the first place, you tend to think a little less positively. And when you experience your first betrayal, that wound of negativity will grow. The only hope I have at relief are mere bandaids, but bandaids don't heal all wounds.

I hate to post this on here of all places, but I haven't a choice. I can't really talk to anyone in real life, especially a professional. All the ones in my area are greedy motherfuckers who'll prescribe you medication that only makes you feel worse than better. They're in it for the money, that's all!

I take it back, I am not capable of being the perfect friend or partner, not even a little bit. I'm just that pathetic and useless. I don't deserve their love, I don't deserve them at all.

Maybe I'll end my life on my brother's birthday? He could use a better sister, a sister who will have the energy to match his own chaotic energy. He already has his girlfriend, so I'm sure he'll be fine. As long as she's here, why the hell would he need me anymore...?

Oh how I'd kill to be like her. She's smart, beautiful, and just so much better than me. She's the only woman he needs in his life besides our mother, I'm just the discarded leftovers.

I bet my dad would love to have her as his daughter over me. I see how excited he gets to greet her at church, I see how he fawns over her and her father's relationship. She's too sweet, too kind. Even I value her friendship. But sometimes, she can be a real threat...

I'm disgusting for feeling jealous of my future sister-in-law, I'm selfish for thinking such things...I just can't help it. She's got everything I want for a personality. I guess what I'm jealous of the most is her motivation.

She wants to do great things, she is doing great things. And what am I doing? Heh...I'm writing about my dumb feelings on a stupid app and failing miserably at my schooling. She's already a freshman and she's already succeeding at life.

I would never sabatoge her however, she is far too kind for that. I'm incapable of doing that to another no matter how jealous and envious I am of them.

At least I'm not a total monster after all.

If she wanted to, she could take everything and everyone away from me...

So if I do die, she can become me. A better me, a more stable and pretty me. A winner me and not a loser me.

I'm a failure, I'm a nobody. I'm a freak.

The world would be a better place if I just ended it. Then the one I love could find someone worthy and live happily ever after. I wish I was the perfect partner for them, I really wish I was. I'm scared that no matter how hard I try someone else will come along and out do me. It has happened before and I cannot bare to relive it.

I could go on and on about how perfect they are. But I will spare y'all the 1000+ words.

I love them so much, they mean the world to me. Which is why I feel guilty about writing this...

I think I'm going to do it, I'm so close to finally finishing things.

I don't deserve to live, I shouldn't have been alive in the first place!

I'm such a waste, I am nothing...

They will all be thankful when I'm gone.