Topic: Self-loathing, again. And trust issues. Betrayal, the whole nine yards.
Why do I even try? Seriously, why do I even fucking try??? I can't do anything right, I don't have the skill to correct myself. I don't have at least one of the needed talents in order to work on my dream. Why? I don't know, maybe because I wasn't born with competence? Yeah, that sounds about right. I'm not feeling too, too merciless towards myself today, I'm just....heck, I'll admit it, I hate myself. I can't stand to look at myself in the fucking mirror, I can't stand to see myself speak, I can't stand a thing! God, why do I have to be so unbearable, hateable? Distasteful! I shouldn't bother anymore, I shouldn't try anymore. I don't deserve a thing, I don't deserve love, I don't deserve my friends, I'm not worthy of good things...
One thing I hate about myself is my trust issues. I do trust others....but not completely. I was betrayed at a very young age and ever since then it's fucked me up. Betrayal is one of the most painful things to experience, especially....especially by someone you love. I'm scared to grow closest to someone, because I don't want them to use me again. I don't want them to take advantage of me. I don't want to be some plaything that you pretend to adore, see someone else, and then abandon like garbage. Not many can deal with me because of these reasons. Not many stick around long enough to get to know me, they only use me. Half the time I just wait, wait patiently for them to say, "I can't do this anymore. You're annoying, pathetic, I can't keep faking my care for you out of pity. I'm leaving you." Things like that. I want to be more open, I want to not have worries....but I can't help it. There's this side of me that is certain that I'll be damned by another person, despite how kind and caring they truly are. I wish I wasn't like this...I wish I trusted others on a deep level like my friends do. I just can't have that level of betrayal again, I just can't!!! It still haunts me to this day, it doesn't leave me alone.
I just....I don't want to be left behind, I don't want to be abandoned. And I don't want to be replaced for someone else....
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𝘼𝙙𝙢𝙞𝙣 𝘽𝙤𝙤𝙠 + 𝙌&𝘼
RandomI've seen a couple of these floating around the app and wanted to try it for myself. The Q&A portion is for y'all to get to know me better and just have fun asking me things. I thought this could be a fun little thing to do with you all, so here.
