𝘼𝙙𝙢𝙞𝙣 𝘽𝙤𝙤𝙠 + 𝙌&𝘼

ᴠᴇɴᴛ #5

Everyday is a waiting game. My whole life is a waiting game. I wait patiently for people to reveal their true colors, their true intentions. Will they decide to backstab me today or tommorow? Will they or will they not betray my trust? Have they finally found the person to replace me? I know it doesn't take much. Even a mosquito could be a worthy replacement. I give them some trust, then a little more, and a little more. Then eventually, they grow tired of me and stab me in the back. I could never manage to keep any relationship, I just wasn't ideal for anyone. Which is fine, I can understand that. Why would anyone want me as their number one in the first place? Everyone else out there is so much better than me.

What hurts me the most is being ranked second choice, especially when it comes to someone who is easily your number one. No matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I work, it won't matter in the end. Because I will eventually be replaced, forced to watch as the ones I care for have fun with their new favorite...

I have to keep reminding myself never to get too comfortable, because that's when they get you. That's when you lose. Especially so early on too...

Sometimes being nice is one of the worst things you can be, because then you become a play thing.

And when I tell people I have trust issues, they swear that it's okay to be like that and will help me...help me heal. That they'll do anything to earn my trust. But once they figure out I wasn't kidding about my issues, they leave me. You see, people don't like to work for friendship or love anymore. They want an easy fix. They always want the easy way out. And if they don't get that easy fix, they'll leave you.

I have trust to an extent, but not completely for reasons. Deep rooted reasons that fucked me mentally.

So much so that it makes me want to unalive myself.

But....as long as everyone keeps thinking that I'm fine, believes that I have the desire to live, then I'm all set.

I can't keep bothering people with my problems, especially the one's I want to keep around forever.

They were right, all I do is push people away with my mere presence.

I wish I wasn't like this, I wish I wasn't me...