𝘼𝙙𝙢𝙞𝙣 𝘽𝙤𝙤𝙠 + 𝙌&𝘼

Vent #9.

I'm so fucking retarded. I know that word is offensive, but it can't possibly be that bad when I'm calling myself that, right? Yeah, I refuse to call anyone else that, except for myself.

My schooling is going horribly and it's all my fault. Why can't I be as smart as them, why can't I have big dreams like them, why can't I have their motivation? I'm passing, yes...but what does it matter? I make a lot of mistakes and if I make one big one on my final, I'll fail and have to retake the class. I can never find the words to explain my reasoning, I'm too slow for that. I can never find the words. I made an error and it took out a huge chunk of my grade...which means I'm under more pressure to perfect my exam. I have to get a ninty or higher on EVERY other quiz, or else my grade will stay the exact same. I can't keep blaming the school for its strict grading system, I need to start taking responsibility and admiting that I'm the dumbfuck. Not my damn school. I'm the one who is going to end up failing because of my ignorance. And to make matters worse, my brother was caught cheating in his math program and since we take the same online program and are related...that means they could point the finger at me and accuse me of cheating as well since I score high on my quizzes whenever I take quizzes. And no, I don't score high because I'm intelligent, I only score high because it's open book and what not. So now...on my written/typed assignments that have more strict grading and take bigger bites out of my overall grade! Which means what? Which means I can't afford to make ANY mistakes due to my ignorant ass or else I'll be assumed cheating because my brother is already on our school's shitlist! And my grade was lower than usual, I could get fucking banned because they won't bother to hear me out on anything! Which means public school and I'd rather hang myself than go back to that hell hole! Hell, that place was what made me want to hang myself in the first place! And even worse...I'm not completely done with my junior year work public school expectations wise despite being a senior so that means if I get kicked out of this damn school....I'll have to RESTART my whole Junior year of high school....THE WHOLE FUCKING THING. AND I AM NOT GOING THROUGH THAT SHIT AGAIN, HELL NO! I'D!RATHER!DIE! I can't afford to mess up, so my retarded ass better figure out how to get fucking smart. Or so help me...I am absolutely fucked. No mistakes...I can't make another mistake....like always.

GOD, WHY AM I SO FUCKING STUPID AND USELESS??? I'm surprised I haven't had a break down and sobbed yet, I'm holding on by a thin, thin, THIN thread here...