𝘼𝙙𝙢𝙞𝙣 𝘽𝙤𝙤𝙠 + 𝙌&𝘼

ᴠᴇɴᴛ #2

Topic: Jealousy and Envy.

Envy, it's coded into my body, along with jealously as well. Everytime I look at someone, I can't help but think to myself "I wish I had what they had", "They're so lucky", or "I'd kill to have that". What do all these people that I interact with have in common? Normal fucking temperament. Something I lack a lot of. Oh, and don't get me started on the jealousy, ESPECIALLY involving friends and love. You see, I have a pretty bad jealousy issue. I thankfully don't act on it...but it does become apparent in some instances. For example, someone talks to my friends and finds a way to exclude me from the conversation even though I was also participating in it, I will become distant afterwards. Very, very distance. I'll give one word responses, I'll focus my attention onto my device instead of them, or I'll just not talk at all and zone out. And it's similar with love I guess. But probably worse intensity wise. I don't....I hate it when a taken person goes out of their way to flirt with someone else. Or when someone else flirts with the taken someone and that said someone doesn't shut it down. Granted I tend to be very oblivious to flirting, but when I do acknowledge it I shut it down real fast. Not like anyone would do that, I'm not ideal to flirt with. But it has sadly happened to me before. A former, former partner at the time ate up being flirt with. Even did a little back. And when I say my blood boiled, my blood boiled. Flirting can lead to ideas, and ideas can lead to cheating! And cheating can lead to heartbreak and heart break can lead to emotional shut down. And emotional shut down can lead to....— you get the point. Besides the act of feeling jealous when others pull this shit. I also hate seeing my brother and his girlfriend. Don't misunderstand me, it makes me so damn happy that those two have found each other and are genuinely in love. But....they're relationship is just....too perfect. Besides my parent's relationship, they have the most pure one I've ever seen. And I'm not saying that impure relationships to an extent (not ones with cheating and shit like that) are bad, it's just a way I describe perfect on a deeper level. And here's where the envy comes into place: I wish I felt love like they did. I wish I knew what it was like to fall in love. Maybe that's a foolish thought because heartbreak to that extent can be extremely damning. But whatever. They always describe the feeling as butterflies, racing heart, escasty, the list goes on. I have pushed away so many past partners because of my inability to feel things to that level, which makes me feel guilty. Maybe I'm too quick to abandon things, maybe I need to be more patient. I just...I'm scared I guess. These feelings are so taboo to me. The feeling of relying on someone on a deeper level, the feeling of being so....immensely vulnerable. Having someone else to support you on a deeper level and rely on you the same way you rely on them. I'm used to doing this alone, I'm used to suffering in silence. But now, I can't do that anymore. It's a difficult adjustment, but I'm willing to do it.

For them, the one I want to fall in love with.