Phantom Regret

Chapter Eighteen: Selfish

Lisa

"How does he know me?".

Oh, Jennie.

I stepped out of the bathroom as she followed me. "Lisa".

"You're not safe here". I admitted.

"But how is it the doing of Woobin? He.. he wouldn't hurt me". She shrugged her head but I sharpened my knife and threw it away before grabbing both of her hands.

"Jennie?".

She looked up, almost shaken up.

"Would I hurt you?". I asked.

Her eyes had a lot of uncertainty in them but she shrugged.

"In fact, you know that I would risk my life for you, Jennie. You know deep inside of you that I would always protect you, even from the cold, because I know how much you dislike it and I know how much you would prefer to be kept warm. But this is real life we're talking about. We don't have to see the outline to truly understand the depth of things".

"Woobin loves me". She pressed but didn't sound sure, I rolled my eyes.

"Money is the only love a man like him will ever know". I answered truthfully and intertwined our hands, "Jennie, you can't stay here. It's not safe, I don't trust you with him".

She placed her index finger on my lips to stop me.

"Stop".

Like a lost juvenile, I muttered, "What?".

"You're giving me more reasons to fall in love with you and I can't..". With teary eyes, she passionately pulls me in for a kiss.

A kiss that she will regret..

She kissed me.

Jennie kissed me as my eyes stayed wide, in shock and also fear. How can she kiss me and make me feel alive again just like that? There was darkness, also pain inside of my chest. It feels like Jennie took a leap of faith and tilted her head, trying to feel me, to sense the inner side of me like magic cruising upon urban skies. A tear ran down my cheek because as much as I tried to swallow back my sobs, I just couldn't.

She was the best thing that ever happened to me, yet the worst nightmare..

Jennie noticed my tears, saw how shaken up I was and opened her eyes as they mirrored mine; they held tears but not for the same reason.

We didn't bleed and cry for the same reason.

I was sobbing at the fact that they could take her away from me, that she was blinded by the kind act of someone who didn't appreciate her love for him. My tears ran uncontrollably because of the light touch of her fingertips on my cheek. I cried for the universe, but it only kept testing me and pulling me back into the darkness.

She cried because she knew I had love for her. That I would still stick beside her, despite it all.

Despite the pain.

"Fuck..". Jennie pulled away with swollen lips and shook her head, taking a few steps back. Her eyes were like a waterfall as I stood there shocked, she whispered, "I didn't mean to make you cry..".

Then why do you do this every time?

"Lisa, I really can't do this. I hope you understand..".

Will you ever let me understand, Jennie?

Jennie

I did not understand it until I met her.

Until I met Lisa.

Her love synchronized with every cell in my body.

Loving her was green like the lands of freedom, it was also orange like a goldfish punctured in the deep oceans. More significantly, it was red. Blaze and blood, eradicated my heart like I was built to love her.

Love?

Love isn't wanting someone for yourself just to fill some kind of void.

Love is wanting the absolute best for someone, even if it means the absolute best isn't with you. It's seeing them happy and living out their best life. It's allowing someone to be who they are in their entirety without the want or need to change or withhold them because it doesn't involve or benefit you.

With all of what I said, felt, and daydreamed of, this is where I let her go. I was hoping that life gives her everything she wants and dreams of, I was hoping she lives a life so content and full of love that when she's older and grey, she can look back and have absolutely no regrets over it.

I wanted to tell her to go live because there's a whole life out there waiting for her.

But a part of me was selfish.

Because who am I without Lisa?

I didn't see a life without her.