and you have ruined me
for i can't see my body without seeing a map of where all your fingers have traced
"waiting for my heart / we never wanted / a normal kind of love"
my mind spirals back to the only time i ever could have relaxed. exhale, all my fight-or-flight-ready corded muscles unspooling and i melt like honey puddle at your feet and i
let you in
i swear i didn't mean to but in that moment, i was eve
and you, damnation in the spring
in my eye, i see flames or forever
dancing like we were
laughing with giddy joy, naive girl
a heart not made to be broken
once shattered, reclaimed, discarded again, again,
this sanguine sad creature belongs in a museum,
the kind that preserves near-crumbled artefacts
in stasis
no, that's not right. i'm not hanging delicately in the balance of these temporal plains; i'm hurtling back hundred-mile-high and crashing,
"doc i think she's crashing out",
the flatline sounds like a mirage, an ocean of drowning relief; the past grapples with my pink rosebud grief, and it feels like sweetest embrace; enervate, in red haze purple debauchery black carnation sin furling into unruin
unmaking me unyours
"it's a bad time for a good time"
but this bad time *is* my idea of a good time, no matter how wretched that sounds, how much it's like your hands that reached in and took my heart and vised around my brain and wrung all my gilded secret ashes out and you sucked them down like cocaine
did i hit you in the right spot? did i get under your veins?
"it's only you / it's always you / i'd give you my heart right out my chest"
exhale slow. run right into you. locked up, fettered by everything that was never concrete, and all the mist lifts from around me i realize i'm teetering on the edge of a cliff but i'm floating on clouds so high high high, i'm never coming down, even as i tip and spiral
down
down
down
but i'm never coming back
and you're never coming back
my heart is brack,
fugue state of grace
rooted right here in this place
stubborn as can ever be
holding on for dear life
feel your heart in my chest like rain sheeting against me
all the air tangible around me
oxygen oxytocin oxycontin
your arms medicate
me, numb the pain
open my eyes to see,
(shimmering like aching heatwaves,) before me
nothing
