You Are The Reason

McKenna

               I stare down at the three sticks that lay on the sink in my bathroom. My heart begins to race at the three plus signs staring back up at me. How could this happen? Seb and I have only been married two months. We'd been using protection and I was on birth control...wait. I run to our bedroom and grab my purse to search for my calendar. Last month my orchestra was the guest performers for two weeks in Paris. It was a last-minute booking, so everyone had to quickly pack to get ready to leave. I remember I got a call from my gynecologist's office reminding me I missed my yearly appointment...the yearly appointment when I get my birth control that I ran out of refilled. 'Shit!' I mumble to myself as I slowly sink onto our bed. Seb had come to stay with me the first weekend there. Did we use a condom? I buried my face in my hands and groaned. I honestly had no idea. Sometimes, the need for each other was so desperate, that we couldn't even make it to the bedroom. What am I going to tell Seb? Of course, we want kids in the future, but we weren't planning on starting a family this soon. I feel my tears as they stream down my face. Suddenly I hear the door open, and Seb walking in.

"Hey guys," he said as he bent down to scratch behind Doom and Cello's ears. "Where's mommy?" I felt my stomach flip, and I had to resist the urge to run to the bathroom and rid my stomach of my lunch. "Ken?" he called as he walked towards our bedroom. His smile faded when he saw me. In a split second, he was by my side, kneeling beside me, his handsome face full of concern. "Ken...Ken, tell me what's wrong." I lean forward, letting my body sink to the floor so I can fall into his arms. He said nothing for the first few minutes. He simply let me cry and held onto me tightly. Seb pulled away just enough to look into my eyes. His big brown eyes were filled with fear, and I leaned forward to gently kiss his lips. He kissed me back, as he wiped away the tears from my face. "Talk to me, baby. You're scaring me." I sniffled and slowly stood, holding out my hand for him to stand with me. I led him into the bathroom. I turned towards the sink and looked down. Seb followed my line of vision, a confused look on his face. I heard him gasp as a shaky hand reached out to pick up one of the tests. "You're...this means...I...you...me..." he continued to stammer, his eyes moving quickly back and forth between the test in his hand and my face. I nod slightly. Seb sank onto his knees, his eyes level with my still flat stomach. I feel his arms snake around my waist as he lay a gentle kiss on my tummy. His hold on me tightens as I feel him begin to shake. I couldn't bear it any longer. I fell to my knees and took his face in my hands.

"Seb, please..." I begin, but when he looks at me, there is a huge smile on his face. The shaking had been him laughing. I suddenly frowned, "Are you laughing? What exactly is funny about this situation?"

"I'm just...I'm just so happy." He was clearly insane. How could he possibly be happy about this pregnancy?

"Happy? Happy? We've only been married two months, Seb!" I turned from him to sit with my back against the sink cabinet. Seb turns to sit beside me; his arm wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me to his chest. I didn't fight it. I just didn't have it in me. I feel his lips on the top of my head and I close my eyes, breathing in his all too familiar scent, letting having him near calm me.

"Did I think we'd be pregnant this soon? No. Am I ready to be a father? Probably not, but Ken..." He pulled back and lifted my chin to meet his gaze. "This baby," he placed a hand on my stomach. "We created this amazing little being. It's an amazing gift, baby. I know you're scared. I'm scared too, but together I know we will figure it all out."

"How can you be so calm about this?" I couldn't stop the smile that tugged at my lips. Seb laughed softly and held my hand to his chest to feel how fast his heart was beating.

"I'm scared out of my mind. We've got this, Ken. I promise you." I lean forward and lay my forehead against his letting out a long breath. "I'm going to be right here by your side through it all." I simply nod and I feel myself melt into his arms.

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Once I got over the initial shock of my pregnancy, I found myself starting to get excited about the baby. Every time I'd pass a shop window that had anything to do with babies, I had to stop to look. I couldn't resist buying the softest, most precious stuffed baby lamb. I don't know why, but I just had to have it. I also bought a soft reclining rocking chair in the softest beige. Once the delivery guys placed it in our empty spare bedroom, I gently lay the lamb in the corner of the chair. I looked around the empty room, smiling at all the ideas for the nursery that were swimming about in my head. Do I want to find out if the baby is a boy or a girl? Should we wait to be surprised? Should we do a gender reveal that seemed to be super popular at the moment? So many decisions we needed to make.

Seb, my wonderful, loving husband, has been such a rock for me the last few weeks. I've been a roller coaster of emotions, and he's handled all the highs and lows like a champ. Before we knew it, it was time to go in for our first prenatal appointment. She asked me all sorts of questions before doing an ultrasound. I was just under six weeks, so we were unable to hear the heartbeat yet. I was a little disappointed, but Seb and I immediately fell in love with the sweet little dot on the ultrasound screen. My doctor had my blood drawn and she wanted me to come back in about two weeks. She said at that time we should be able to hear the heartbeat for sure.

I felt like the next two weeks went by so very slowly. I was so anxious to hear proof that my little one was thriving inside my belly. Seb has been so sweet to me. He's already giving me foot massages, and every night he lays on my stomach to read a book to the baby. Finally, the day had arrived. I lay down on the table, holding onto Seb's hand for dear life. He smiled down at me and kissed my forehead softly as we waited for the technician to begin the scan. She squeezed the warm jelly over my lower abdomen and swirled it around. After looking around for a minute, she stood and left the room to get the doctor. When she came into the room, she took over the ultrasound. I began to get nervous at the serious expression on her face.

"Can we hear the heartbeat?" I asked with a nervous laugh. She took a deep breath and pointed at the ultrasound screen.

"I'm so sorry. I'm afraid there hasn't been any growth since your last appointment." I felt my heart stop in my chest. This isn't real. This can't be real. She's made a mistake. The doctor has obviously made a mistake.

"What...what do you mean?" Seb asked, so softly I could barely hear him. The doctor replaced the ultrasound transducer back in its place and lowered the paper gown down to cover me.

"The baby has not grown at all since your last appointment. I can't find a heartbeat." She looked down into my eyes with such compassion and sorrow, but I just couldn't comprehend what she was telling me. "Why don't you get dressed and we can talk in my office." She left the room, but I still just lay there. I was frozen and I couldn't seem to move. I felt Seb's warm tears soaking through the thin gown I wore. He lay with his head on my stomach weeping. I felt like I was in a nightmare, with no escape. I don't know how much time passed before I felt Seb's arms around me. I could feel him pulling the paper gown from my body and slowly redressing me. He helped me off the table and led me out of the room and to the doctor's office. I sat down in the chair beside Seb. I faintly heard their voices way off in the distance, but I couldn't make out what they were saying. I didn't care what they were saying. Nothing mattered anymore. My baby was gone.