You Are The Reason

Seb

It had been three weeks since we lost our baby. Words couldn't be found to describe the devastation I felt when we heard the news. Both of us had been so excited going in for that ultrasound. In a matter of minutes, our world had shattered. I've tried so hard to put on a brave face, to try to help McKenna get through her pain. She's barely spoken to me since it happened. I try to give her space to grieve, but it's so hard. All I want is for us to take on this grief together, but she keeps me at arm's length. When I try to hold her or kiss her, I see her shrink away from me, and it breaks my heart even more. I know the loss she feels is not like my loss.

I am happy we didn't tell many people about the baby yet, so there were less people to tell about our loss. Of course, both of our parents knew as well as Bryan and Anna who were now dating pretty seriously. They all tried to reach McKenna, to get her to open up and let herself grieve our loss, but none of them were able to reach her either.

We'd already lost our child; I knew I couldn't bear to lose McKenna on top of it. I needed my wife. I need her as much as I know she needs me. If I could just find a way to reach her. I've read all the books; I even attended a loss support group. McKenna of course refused to go with me. They told me what I needed to do is to just be patient. Everyone handles grief in their own way, and in their own time. The women at the meeting tried to explain how they felt with their loss, and it began to make sense.

That evening when I returned from the meeting, I bent down to greet our fur babies. The moment I entered the flat, I could smell something delicious was cooking.

"McKenna?" I called out as I shrugged out of my leather jacket.

"I'm in the kitchen," she yelled back at me. I leaned against the door jam and watched her, and I was shocked to see her moving around our kitchen. Lately all she would do was open the fridge and stare into it for five minutes before closing it, never taking anything out. She had lost so much weight, which was just another issue for me to stress about. Tonight though, her face was flushed rosy pink as she stirred the soup she was cooking. I was so happy to see some semblance of the woman I loved, and I couldn't stop the smile that tugged at my lips. She dipped the spoon in the soup and blew on it before taking a taste. She turned to me with the spoon held high and smiled. "Yummy. Would you like to taste?" I looked into her blue eyes, and I could see a hint of mischief in their depths. I pushed away from the doorway and walked towards her.

"Sure." As I leaned down towards the spoon, McKenna took it away and planted her lips on mine. I was shocked by the contact for a split second before I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her tight against me. I felt her tongue rub against my lips, and I was lost. I had missed my wife so damn much. She pulled away from me slightly, and I couldn't stop the whimper that escaped my lips. She quickly sat her spoon down, turned off the heat on the stove, then pulled my lips back to hers. McKenna began to push me back towards the direction of our bedroom. The thought of being with her again was so intense, I was afraid I'd cum in my pants before we had a chance to do anything. Once we were inside the bedroom, she pushed me back onto the bed and began to tear at my clothes. I laughed breathlessly as her hands began to unbuckle my jeans. The laugh quickly died from my lips as soon as I felt her hand on my already swollen dick. "McKenna..." I breathed as I pulled her hand away. "Why don't we slow down? I want to worship you like you deserve." She shook her head.

"I don't want to go slow, Seb." Instantly, McKenna had me deep inside her. Before I could take a moment to enjoy her warmth, she was riding me hard and fast. I gripped her hips and tried to regain some control, but it was clear to me that she was the one in control. She held my hands over my head with one hand, while the other gripped my chest for support as she continued to ride me hard. I knew if she kept this pace I wouldn't last long. I pulled one of my hands free and found her clit. She moaned my name, bucking her hips faster and faster. The moment she began to clinch around me I was lost. I spilled inside her, pulling her down to my chest. Instead of basking in the afterglow of our love making, she rolled onto her back and pulled her legs up to her chest. I lay there beside her, my head spinning. I roll onto my side and try to pull her into my arms. My heart stopped when she moved away from me. "Ken?" I ask, my confusion evident.

"I have to lay like this for twenty minutes." I notice she doesn't look at me. I raise myself up onto my elbows.

"What do you mean?"

"I've read, it helps when you're trying to conceive." I couldn't have been more surprised if she'd punched me.

"What?"

"I want a baby, Seb." I feel another piece of my heart shatter.

"Baby, the doctor said..."

"I know what the doctor said," she practically yelled at me. I try not to flinch at her sudden outburst. I pull her chin towards me, trying to get her to look at me. She resists at first, but I finally get her to look at me.

"McKenna," I whisper softly. When she looked at me, all I could see was sadness in those unfathomable blue depths. "I can't imagine the kind of pain you feel, but I feel our baby's loss too." McKenna rolled her eyes and scoffed.

"You have no idea what kind of pain I feel. I feel like there is this empty space inside me, inside my heart that I just can't seem to fill. I feel like I deserve to feel this pain forever. It's my fault our baby didn't make it."

"No," I practically growl down at her. "It is not your fault. It's no one's fault." McKenna shook her head, and finally tears began to fall down her face.

"It is my fault! I said I wasn't' ready, and now I'm being punished! I wanted our baby, Seb! I wanted them so much," She collapsed into my arms and wept. I simply held her until the sobs finally subsided.

"Baby, it's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You are not the first woman to be scared to find out she was pregnant. I know how excited you were." She finally looked up at me, her tear streaked faced was still the most beautiful face in the world. Her brow furrowed as she looked at me, her fingers reached up to wipe at my own tears that were falling.

"Seb," her voice cracked with more tears. "I'm so sorry. I've been so deep in my own grief that I didn't see yours." I shook my head and pulled her tight against my chest.

"Shh, it's okay." She shook her head.

"No it's not." She leaned her forehead against my cheek, her fingers gently brushing through my beard. "I just...I just don't know how to move past this."

"One day at a time, love." She looked up into my eyes and my heart leapt when I saw my McKenna looking back up at me. "We will get through this, I promise. We'll get through this together." McKenna reached up and brushed her lips across mine. Our kisses started off gently, and we lost ourselves in each other once more.