You Are The Reason

McKenna

McKenna

               I tried my best to keep my composure as Seb started the DVD. My heart started pounding in my chest and I had to remind myself to breathe. I wanted to see this. I needed to see this, and I wanted to watch it with Seb beside me. I lowered my feet to the floor and my leg started to bounce nervously. I hadn't even really noticed it until I felt Seb's hand on my knee. My knee immediately stopped bouncing and I felt myself slowly begin to relax.

               The first twenty minutes of the show was us Islanders being introduced to the public. I cringed and hid my face in Seb's shoulder when I appeared on screen.

"I look so fat!" I groaned against his arm, and I felt him chuckle softly.

"That's rubbish. You look fucking hot." I feel my cheeks flush as I look up into his eyes for a moment. I smile shyly then turn my attention back to the screen. It was interesting seeing Seb's first on camera interview before he entered the Villa. Cynical and moody would be the first words you'd use to describe him if I didn't know him the way I did. His brash and prickly persona wasn't all there was to him. I've seen his soft side, the part of him he always kept hidden from others because he knew if he let anyone in he'd be vulnerable, and that was something he just wasn't willing to do. Somehow, I was able to get him to let me in. I saw the other pieces of him that he kept hidden from everyone else. I knew who he really was, and my heart was completely his. I knew that now. He's who I want to share my life with, he's who I want to have children with, and he's who I want to be by my side through all the ups and downs life will throw at us.

               So far, nothing truly embarrassing had happened to me on the show. I am coupled with Harry and Seb was with AJ. We are playing the first challenge game, the baggage challenge. The one where Viv shows up and later takes Harry from me. Then it hits me, and I remember. My first beach hut confessional. I sit up straight beside Seb and watch the screen intently. Just how much of the interviews do they air? Suddenly the screen cuts to the beach hut and I'm sitting there staring at the camera with a big frown on my face. I don't say anything at first, but then I begin to speak. I realize I've stopped breathing as I watch myself.

"Okay, so first disappointment of my Love Island experience? I walk out to meet the guys for the first time and see that the one guy I'm truly attracted to is already taken." I pause and bite my lip before I smirk to the camera, "Thanks AJ." I shake my head as I run my hands through my hair in frustration, "Then we're playing the challenge and the guy I'm currently coupled up with is about to be taken from me after being together for just a few hours." I laugh bitterly, "If this is how my time on Love Island is really going to go, then I think my summer is going to be ruined."

               I refuse to look at Seb. I'm too afraid of his reaction to finding out he was the one I wanted in the beginning. He doesn't seem to move either. His eyes are fixed on the telly screen. Part of me is relieved he hasn't reacted to seeing me confess my attraction to him, but mostly I'm disappointed. I'm not going to lie. A big part me was hoping he'd hear me and he'd pull me into his arms and take me as his forever. I laughed silently at myself and shook my head, willing myself not to cry. I turn my attention back to the screen and continue to watch. The challenge was finished and everyone was all dressed up and ready to mingle at the cocktail party. Viv received the text telling her it was time for her to make her decision. She of course took Harry just like I knew she would. Afterwards, I pulled Seb aside to talk. Honestly, I really just wanted to see where his head with AJ was, and maybe see if I'd have a chance with him. The camera cuts to another beach hut scene with me and I groan softly, putting my face in my hands.

"So, everyone is going to think all I do is complain, but I can't exactly vent to Seb since he's who I need to vent about. He's really the only person I've felt a sgenuine connection to since I arrived at the Villa. I know it's only been a few hours, but I'm so attracted to him. I think we have such a good chance to really connect on that deeper level. A level that could possibly lead to something really special." I put my face in my hands for a moment, then look upto the camera, my eyes glistening with tears. "However, he obviously doesn't feel the same. Seb has totally friend zoned me. He's made it clear that he's not interested in me romantically!" I laugh bitterly, "Is it too late for me to get out of this?" I sigh heavily and remain silent for a moment, then I turn back to the camera. "Screw this! I'm not going to give up. I came here to find love. If Seb's not interested, then I just need to look elsewhere right? I mean, it truly sucks for me that I don't really have a connection with anyone else here but him, but there will be other guys coming in eventually. I just have to bide my time and keep my head up."

               My heart slams against my chest as I see Seb reach for the remote and cut off the telly. I can't look at him. I'm terrified of what he's going to think. I'm terrified of what he's going to say. Will he want me to leave? Will I lose him from my life forever? My heart can't bear the thought. I need him in my life, even if I'll never have his heart. I take a deep breath and I turn my face towards him, my eyes slowly rising to meet his gaze.