How Could Cupid be so Cruel - Elmax

7. Why Do I Smile

Trigger warning implied rape, its not that bad just passing mention of something that could happen.

I lie in bed staring at my ceiling, smoking a cigerette I stole from Billy hoping it would take my stress away, It helps a bit but it's almost a stub now I'll have to get my own pack in the store after school. I can't stop thinking my mind is going at 100mph and I don't know how to stop it. All I can do is think of it I am gay I proved it to myself hoping it would make me feel better but now I feel worse then ever, I have a crush on El, a girl and I live in Hawkins the smallest most close minded town in America, I also live with Neil and Billy who are both homophobic and abusive. But they don't know I like El there is zero chance of her liking me back so all I have to do is ignore my feelings and force myself into a heterosexual realasionship and lucky for me I'm already with Lucas, I just needed to stop breaking up with him every week I now know I was doing it because I don't like men but living out my life with my bestfriend isn't the worst thing ever I mean if I continue with this plan my whole life I will have to.... well, do it with him but doing that with him is the preferable option then Neil trying to...... fix me....... Okay this plan should work I'll just live through my life without a partner I love but there are plenty of people who live their life never settling down.

I put the cigarette out on my dresser and throw the remains out my window. Looking at my clock I get a shock it's already seven. I quickly get the same clothes from yesterday on just replacing the forest green pullover with a black sweatshirt, I grab my bag and board and quickly run outside to get the bus, I usually skate on days where I have spare time but an hour is not enough most people don't realise how much energy skating takes and you can't skate up hill so you have to walk major parts of the journey.

I walk of the bus and start towards the school I see Lucas, Mike and El at the bike rack talking I go up to them ready to accept whatever romantic thing Lucas wants to do whether it's holding hands or making out I need to draw suspicion away from the idea I could be a lesbian they might not suspect anything but better to be safe then sorry. As I walk to them I throw a mint in my mouth to remove the smell of smoke from my breath.

"Hey Max" El greets me, I feel awful for harbouring these feelings for her like I'm a bad person for liking girls which depending who you ask I am.

"Hey." I greet the group rubbing my eyes from tiredness having not slept a wink the night before.

"Hi Max, did you study for the English test?" Lucas asks while putting his arm around my shoulders, I wince a little at his touch but except it, I'll have to get used to it anyways.

"No, what's the point in studying for English it's my best subject I do well on all of the tests." I respond with, this was true but also even if I wanted to study I wouldn't have been able to focus anyways.

"How do you get such high scores in English? I never do well in it." El asks with intrigue while pouting, I find her pout so cute she looks a mixture between confused and hopeful while she does it as though she is trying to convince you to do something.

"I dunno I guess I'm just naturally talented at it, if you want I could help you with it sometime like a tutor?" I ask hoping she'll accept I might not be able to be with her but I can sure as hell be her best friend and try to spend every spare moment I have with her.

" Yeah that would be great could you come over to my place on Friday maybe and tutor me? She asks with a big smile in an excited tone.

" Yeah sure of course!" I respond also in an excited tone.

The bell rings signalling class so we start to seperate before we do I go up to Lucas and kiss him a good five or ten seconds longer then I normally would, when I pull away I feel gross and disgusted at myself but I put on a smile and walk to class leaving him dumbfounded. The class is English and I make my way through the test quickly and easily before handing it up and heading out to the hall where I sit on the floor back against my locker and start to daydream about a perfect world where me and El are together, we go on picnics in fields and joke, laugh, cuddle up to each other and dance around the field to music playing from an unseen source. I feel a tap on my shoulder and get pulled out of my fantasy much to my annoyance but when I see it's Lucas I put back on my fake smile and stand up to face him.

"What's up?" I ask wondering why he has a worried expression on his face.

"I don't know exactly, I guess I'm wondering are you trying to take us to the next level?" he asks with a confused expression on his face and a little bit of hope in his eyes.

"What do you mean the next level?" I ask just as confused as him.

"Well this morning you kissed me but it was different, it felt different and it was a good deal longer I'm wondering are you trying to make us a real couple not just the two who are on and off again and seem to just be friends, but an actual couple the kind that kiss and hold hands in the hallways?" he says it all with a bit to much hope in his voice, I feel awful knowing that I have to answer yes.

"Yes I am I want to be an actual couple." I say not a single word of it being true, I have an awful feeling of guilt and instant regret in my stomach I know this was all part of my plan but I was already regretting it I don't want to be with a man, but I put on a smile anyways hoping he can't tell I'm lieing. He looks around the hallway seeing no one which confuses me but then I understand he grabs lower back with his left hand and the side of my head with his right he moves in close and starts to makeout with me I know I could stop but I am going to have to do this at some point if I'm to go along with my plan which I already hate, so I start to kiss back. He moves in closer and closer continuing to make out with me then he moves his hand down from my back right onto my ass I'm wishing so badly it could be El doing this I start to imagine it is her and this helps me go along with it, putting a bit more enthusiasm into it now imagining I'm making out with El, but then my illusion is broken when I feel something poking my lower stomach I feel disgusted but I can't let him know. I pull back the moment I feel it poking my stomach put back on my fake smile even though I'm just wishing I could live in my fantasy forever.

"Why did you stop was it not good?"

"No no it was great I'm just worried about being caught." I lied

"Yeah I guess anyways next class will be starting soon shall we get going?" he asks while putting his hand out for me to grab. I grab it just wishing for this day to be over and we start to go to our next class.

Authors notes
Sorry for this chapter I don't want you to think of Lucas as a sex offender or something he isn't making Max do the stuff she fosent really want to but she is going along with it from her own free will
Best wishes

-Elmaxfantasy