How Could Cupid be so Cruel - Elmax

8. It's Getting Harder To Exist

T/w thoughts of self harm and homophobic slurs

I walk through the door to my house not knowing what to expect on the other side, just knowing it probably won't be good. I was right for as I enter the living room I see my mother and Neil sitting on the couch watching the news, the man on the news is talking about "the homosexuality disease spreading across our great nation".

"Fucking fags the hell is wrong with some people!" Neil says angrily taking another sip of his beer while my mother nods in agreement.

Maybe they're right maybe I am sick and just some mistake on earth, I walk to my room and close the door, I sit on my bed and ponder that thought. Maybe I am the problem El could be living a normal life with normal friends but because of me one of her friends is in love with her and its not her boyfriend. I can't even ever tell her about my feelings either for I don't know if she is homophobic or not and if I told her she might not want to be my friend anymore and being friends with her is the only way I can spend time with her. She will never love me and she will never know my feelings, there is so thing wrong with me, I shouldn't be like this, I shouldn't like El it isn't normal I should like Lucas but for some reason I can't and I don't know why because he is the perfect boyfriend. But that's just it he is a boyfriend I want a girlfriend I want El and I shouldn't it isn't natural, I am sick for feeling this way I shouldn't feel this way I need a release so thing to take this off my mind for at least a couple minutes so I light a cigerette and start to smoke it. But it isn't enough I shouldn't be like this I am what is wrong with the world I remember in that moment I have a pocket knife in my top drawer I run to the drawers and pull it out staring at it flipping it over in my hand, I deserve this I am wrong I am disgusting and I will never be able to open up about my feelings I stare at the blade and press it to my thigh nobody would be able to see the mark there I mull this concept over in my mind, I deserve this I deserve to feel pain my feelings are wrong and I need to be punished for them. I press the blade further against my skin.