This is just a book with thoughts and/or feelings that I have. This may include poems that I have wrote. There will probably be some sensitive stuff in here. I wont probably put a trigger warning so sorry. Mainly it will be about my personal life so...
I think I decided that my name is Rae. I also my pronouns are They/She.
Song of the Day: Mask by Dream. It's not my favorite song right now, but I think it explains this chapter a little bit.
So on the second whole week of school, I had a panic attack and I think also an anxiety attack at the same time. I was really stressed because I went into high school and it is way more fast past, so I was in gym and I had IXLs that I got done. However, it wasn't showing up(I wasn't signed into my account and I still haven't finished them). I was full of anxiety because of high school, I was in gym trying not to cry because I didn't want to seem weak or a drama queen and whatever so I told my teacher that I wasn't doing much because I was trying not to cry. She just told me everyone has bad days you just have to push through them. that just made me start crying I don't honestly remember/know why. I'm pretty sure that crying causes my panic attacks.
This panic attack stood out to me probably cause it was the first 1 I had in months. but I remember sitting on the gym floor shaking feeling like I wasn't there. it was like it was 3pov but through my eyes. I also remember this happening before one time during the end of last school year I remember feeling like nothing was real like I could touch a soft blanket and I would not feel anything or I wouldn't feel very soft like when colors are muted but it was with textures. I also remember googling it and all that showed up was like your feelings and stuff. I called my friend that lives far away and they didn't know what was happening either. But the panic attack is explainable because one of the symptoms is feeling disorientated.
Yesterday we were doing pep and marching band and every once in a while I would feel like I want there and I would blink and I would be back to normal I think I can't remember it's like it's all a blur or like it's locked out of my memories that I have access to. This is actually stressing me out because it was last night.
So today instead of doing my homework like I should be doing I googled it and I found this depersonalization/derealization disorder. The one that I might have is derealization I could be wrong or it's my anxiety trying to explain it so it's exaggerating it. Basically, mine feels like I'm not there like a dream. I also found a video on youtube that shows what it's like.
Last night was also homecoming. I regretted going as soon as I got let in. to get in we had to get drug tested and my asthma didn't like that. it was also really loud I hated most of it. Most of it is locked out of my brain. but I do remember having a little bit of fun.
But for homecoming dress shopping I got a dress and my anxiety decided to question my nonbinaryness. I still feel genderless but I came to terms that I still like feminine things. That's why I decided to have my name be Rae and my pronouns are they/she.
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