Just About Me

i dont want to be apart of history

its been a while. 

I was in a leadership position in my band, the other person in leadership with me is a bitch. we got along until a few weeks until the end of our roles. she was in a pissy mood (like normal) and desided she was going to shit talk me basicly right infront of me. she was in the same room as me as i was puting stuff away she was taking with her freinds about me. i heard later the next class she was basicly yelling shit about me. so ive been in a bad mood for a while, band was my favoriet class but i need her to graduate. 

i found out one of my old friends was a furry. i dont understand it so whatever. but i also dont like the 'person'. they are really anoying and cant talk quietly at all. they also fucking blame everything on trama or autism, i get that part but not everyting is about that their also a shitty person. they will care for everyone else bescides themself. they will force others to drink water then say 'im dizzy and i havent dranken anything but monsters in a day' someone will tell them to drink it and they'll say 'im fine'. they piss me off. we had a concert the other day the went home after that and puked but the showed up the day after for a few classes because they wanted to do a band thing. No one fucking likes them. their going to get to college and be alone and wonder why they are alone. its cuz of their shitty personallity. when we first became friends they were like people always leave me. like yeah some people are shitty but if they keep leaving for the same reasons its a you problem and you need to fix it. Apparently the other day them and 2 others were drinking alchole in the school parking lot after a school activity. they then drove home. 

One of my friends moms died. its been kinda hard. i havent experienced death really before. like ive had cats and dogs die but they noramlly ran off. i havent had any grandparents die or any close immeddiet family. i normaly check my messages before i go to school but that day i didnt. i was sitting in my car and i saw i was put in a weird group chat and it said something like you guys probly heard about it by now but im not going to be in school for a few days. and i thought it was really weird so i check my messages from then and it said someting like my mom is no longer with us i asked are you ok and did she like run away or like die. they said died. i almost started crying but i kinda just went into shock. i couldnt belive she was gone. i spent the rest of that day off and on between feeling like some classes i would be doing stuff and then others i could think. i just remember thinking how she could just be gone. the funeral was the other day and i dont like cry esecially infront of other it was hard. i just wouldnt let myself cry, there were some part when they talked about certian things that vagley effected me and when they talked about my friend and their sibling. in the funeral they said something kinda around the last time i saw her and it kinda still hurts but its getting better. its sad tho she died right around a bunch of milestones for her kids. my friend who is a seinor hadnt taken pictures for that yet. My friends little sibling's birthday the other day too which they both struggled with. i was talking to my friend and they said that their sibling told them that they didnt love them and my friend said they felt numb after that. 

recently there has been this girl who got moved to my lunch becasue she threatened another kid. i dont like her she is a pick me and a attention seeker. she is really annoying and cant take the hint that we dont want her at the table. she also played tic tac toe on her arms and then went around the next day showing people without asking if she could show them or them asking her. it was really triggering for a lot of my friends but we ended up telling one of the councerlers out of 'consern'. she also got upset because she was showing a lot of people and they told on her. if she didnt want to get in trouble dont go around showing the whole fucking school. she has a shitty mom im not saying the sh isnt understandable or attention seeking but it was the fact she was like almost showing it off like hey look what i did feel sorry for me and give me a gold star. 

it feels like the world is ending. with the recent election and everthing. i though i was ready and prepaired for trump to win so i didnt go on twitter last night. but i made the mistake of scrolling today and i saw there was a suicide counter for today. that almost made me cry. its gone up by about a hundred since i last checked. im also very much a liberal, pro-choice, and want my rights.  with the fact that the suicide hotline is fucking full is shitty. like i feel like my rights and choices are gone and it does make me not want to be alive anymore, but im sticking it out until i go to college atleast. my friend cant take anymore loses especially to suicide. ive wanted to leave america for a while but i cant get over the fact a rapist and fellon got elected over a woman. some of my friend also support him and im like i want to be able to have choices if something happend and i want to be able to marry who i want. it sucks and i just have to live with it for now. i feel like numb and cant wait for the world to end and america to become north korea. if it happens and those friends ask why it did and ill say i told you so. im done with people and everything. if he was concerned about the people why wouldnt he say someting about the suicides today alone. why cant i stop living threw history. by the time i graduate college the 2020's history book just for america is going to be a mile long. 

it fucking says on average suicide per day normally is 135(still to high) but wtf today currently 2794.  

(https://www.worldometers.info/) -link im using

im not fixing the spelling mistakes i dont care right now.

im not going to be another statistic.