I Am Learning, Ph1LzA

Trust is a Two-Player Game

Ph1LzA swallowed, his mind alternately racing or going completely blank as he tried to think of something to say. He wanted to tell Trixtin about his find, but dreaded doing so. Eventually he blinked, realizing that he'd been staring open-mouthed like a baby bird, and let both his hands drop into his lap. "Sorry, I, um..." He stammered.

Trixtin smiled. He could not help seeing how quickly the glow of that smile reached her eyes, how it lit them up as though with an inner light. Or was it just his imagination? "It's okay, Phil," she said assuringly, "what is it? Am I bothering you?"

"No, no!" He hastened to answer, feeling more abashed at the idea than ever. "No, I...I was...I was thinking."

A small quirk of Trixtin's lips betrayed the smile she was trying to conceal. "Dare I ask what about?"

Ph1LzA was not sure which was going to break him first: his ever-increasing embarrassment or the growing urge to simply tell her everything. With difficulty he looked down at his keyboard, trying and trying to come up with words. At length, as he realized he couldn't even think of lying to her without feeling like some kind of traitor to her trust, Ph1LzA blew out a long breath and said, "Well...it concerns something dangerous. Something I wanted to ask you if you wanted to know more about, but..." he hesitated, rubbing his neck where he could feel his skin flushing red. "I don't want to get you in more trouble than you already are in."

"Trouble?" Trixtin echoed. "Phil, are you okay? What's happened?"

Unsure of how to proceed, Ph1LzA's eyes turned to the Chat, still clamoring away amongst themselves. They were blissfully unaware of EGG's continued pursuit of Ph1LzA and Techno, ignorant of any of the situation beyond the fact that the company had taken an apparently short-lived interest in their Crowfather. If he told Trixtin what was going on, did he owe them an explanation as well? He remembered how he'd decided to tell them about his appointment with EGG only a few days ago. Did Chat need to know what was going on, or would the knowledge only spread useless fear? Ph1LzA's fingers drummed on his knees and he rubbed his mouth with a trembling hand. EGG was powerful. They could hurt his Chat. Trixtin. Techno. Himself. One wrong move could put them all in danger. And he had no idea which was the wrong move. A chill crept over his skin. How could his know what to do? What indicators were there to help him? Or was he just to choose, blindly trusting that whatever happened, he'd done his best? Worse still, was he even doing his best? He stared blankly at the desk, his whole body going still as his mind became frozen before a series of unknowns and uncertainties.

Only once before had he felt like this. Years and years ago, after Techno's disappearance, when his constant searching for the AI had destroyed both his health and his mind to such a degree that his family had forced him to see a counselor. That woman, with her neatly done hair and her painted nails, her bright smile and her vivid shoes, had told him to let his creation go. Had said it was the only way to recover. And in that silent, pale room, Ph1LzA had sat on her stiff couch and held very still, unwilling to move, horrified by the decision both she and his family had demanded of him. The claustrophobic oppression was upon him now, all over again, and he sat paralyzed in his chair. Overwhelmed, scared, with consequences so terrible all around him he had no idea where to turn.

A touch on his shoulder startled him, and he nearly fell out of his seat again, so quickly and violently did he start. But, as he recovered himself, he received yet another shock. Trixtin did not repeat her questions or try to comfort him with words. In fact, she said nothing at all, but in a moment her arms were wrapped around him and she was holding him in an embrace as warm as it was delicate. Ph1LzA gasped with the sudden intimacy of the touch, but he did not put her off. The gentleness of her hug was soothing to his fears and distracted him from the problems that had crowded his mind a moment ago. No one else would he have trusted in this position; he hardly trusted her. But she was Trixtin, long since a proven friend, and eventually, with hands that would not cease trembling, he tentatively returned the hug.