The Billionaire Throuple

Andreas Santiago

My head is spinning and so is the room. I feel great though, well physically. Morally, I'm bankrupt. I've broken Samuel the Third. He's staring at me like I'm the holy Messiah.

I motion for him to stand in a grandiose gesture, like 'take up thy bed and walk'. He cautiously stands, as if taking care not to fall into a trap, not realizing he's caught in mine.

I hug him and he's much warmer this time. I don't understand how it's possible, but when he picked us up, he felt colder than I was after being outside for an hour.

I feel terrible for ditching him and for showing up so late, but all I can do is apologize. I have to thank Nemo for giving me those minis or I wouldn't have had the courage to.

I'd be a terrible person, still acting like nothing happened. I expected Samuel the Third to yell and curse at us, but he hasn't so much as slung shade passive aggressively. I wish he would've.

I'm great at backhanded apologies, but now I feel like an ax murderer who's killed everyone on accident and feels super bad about it.

Samuel the Third's cheeks and eyes are so puffy from crying that it looks like he's had an allergic reaction. I don't know whether to cuddle him or to dig out my bottle of Benadryl. I think I still have it, but it might be expired. Do dates matter on medicine? Pills can't rot like eggs or go 'stale bread'.

"I'm sorry we didn't come right away," I say as I release him, "and that I didn't get you a gift, but what could I buy that you don't have?"

He doesn't respond, but the way he leans into me is sort of cute. It reminds me of how cats lean in, purring, when you pet them just right.

Nemo looks at me like I shouldn't have brought it up and I definitely shouldn't have. I doubt he would've mentioned it, but now that I've put it out there, he has to say something. I'm dumb like that, I can't help it.

"I'm sorry we made you cry," Nemo says, wrapping him up in a hug.

Samuel the Third takes in Nemo at first, then pulls away as if he's been tricked. "No! You didn't. I wasn't crying!"

He so defensive and not at all convincing. He sniffs and his hands shoot up in front of his eyes like he's trying to wipe away evidence. His face is dry. He doesn't realize that his cheeks give him away. I feel so guilty, I could be sick.

I never saw myself feeling bad for a billionaire, but I guess everyone has their own problems in the world. I sigh, steal his chair and gesture for him to sit on my lap. He doesn't. I get it. I'm babying him, but I didn't think he'd turn me down. I have to admit I'm a bit miffed by it, but that's the Fireball speaking.

He shouts, "I've something for both of you. Let me get them. I'll hurry back!"

I hold my breath and wait for him to disappear across his marble castle entryway to exhale. "Oh my God, Nemo. This is terrible!" I shout, "Is he really about to come back with gifts for his birthday?"

Nemo wags a finger at me. "He's gonna come back with blood diamonds or some."

My eyes light up. I'm used to getting free things from followers all the time, but I bet his gifts are next level. Nemo grabs my wrist and pulls me toward him, really manhandling me to show how serious this is. I'm not sure I mind. I was pissed when he snuck up on me on the road, but I couldn't stay mad after he agreed to carry me.

"Don't take nothing from rich people. Not if you can't pay that shit back," he says, "There ain't no such thing as a free trip to Hawaii."

I understand where he's coming from, but that's not how the world works anymore. Contracts aren't signed with firm handshakes and stern eye contact. You can't bring a dollar to the gas station and get a full tank of gas and ninety-eight cents in change like my bisabuela swears was the case back in her day, back when her hero Jimmy Carter was still president.