Freezing - Unfreezing

42 | We choose who we fall for

"Something ends today, But now is the first day of your next life. You've gotta live a lot of lives, my love. "
-Tokyo, La casa de Papel.

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It is the first time I can't concentrate on teaching. All I do , is checking on Hayley. It surprised me that she came today but am glad she did.
Every time I was turning my back to the class, to write on the board, her friends were asking her if she was fine.
The girls were finally gave up on her asking all of the time and gave her time to speak. That guy Nate was keep asking her.
Why is he doing this to her. I see that they care about her but can't he see that he makes her feel terrible every time he is asking and getting no answer.
The bell rang and everyone was getting out of the class, so did I. Hayley was in front of me.
I tried to reach her, but the girls came over.

-Am gonna cheer you up, girl!
Pesha says to her while they were getting out.
Today it was my turn to have an eye to the yard. Am always bored of it because trying to stop some students from a fight that happened before, wasn't an easy thing.
They are teenagers, that sometimes fight like adults. Most of the time, behind each fight of guys, was always a girl.
Speaking of, Hayley and the girls was opposite my view. I'm calling them always "the girls" because this trio had always a weird thing. Girls always change their besties, that's what they call them at least. It makes me wonder why this trio of Pesha, Emma and Sophie want Hayley with them. When I first saw them in class, I thought it was another group of bitchy girls.
Why the hell am I calling them like this? Am a teacher, but I see also how these things are in schools. There always a group of girls who lead the class or the whole school.
But these girls, are not bitchy and not as the silly girls I was always had in mind when I thought about group of girls.
Their friendship seems real and they are actually nice with everyone. Being a student before, I was always wondering Teachers really mean when they say they know, and hear everything.
Now that I've been a teacher for some years, they really do.
I, really do.
Having the whole class in front you, you can see everything.
You can see the guys in the back seats sharing cigarettes with each other. You can see the hand of the guy on the freckle girl's leg, sitting in the last row. You can see the airpods to that guy with the hoodie, which he all covered by tattoos that I always wondered what they mean.
You can see Lila's bag full of lipglosses and makeup and.. girly stuff travelling around the class, so every girl get what she needs for the day. You can see the phones of each teenager under their desks, thinking they can't be seen; but they actually do. Every time I turn my back on them, I know that there is always a couple who share kisses when they have their chance.

And then, there is Hayley. Doing absolutely nothing, but staring at nowhere, always overthinking.
She is not the girl that makes me think what flavour is the lipgloss she wears.
She is not the girl that makes wanna throw her phone out of the window, as she's been texting the whole time, in my class.
She is not the girl that tries to fix her hair all of the time, trying to reach guy's attention.

She is the girl, she was always the girl from the first day she showed up, that made me wonder what her past was and what made her what she is now.

-Girl! You and me! Tomorrow! You will have to help me choose between these dresses!
I hear Pesha tries to entertain Hayley with her silly decisions. Pesha was always my favourite. She made it too obvious from day one, that she liked me. She was always trying to get my attention. One week later, she called me cute and asked me if I ever allowed to myself to grab a coffee with a student. That was the day, I cut it off. I told her how nice she is, how kind she is and how awesome it will be with a guy at her age and probably not her teacher. I remember the shy smile she gave me at the end. It was terrible, having to hurt someone's feelings. She apologised to me like it was her fault for having a crush on someone she shouldn't has.

I was going to tell her that we don't choose who we fall for, but the truth is that we actually do.
We choose who we fall for and we can do it again.
That's what I told her.
Pesha just made Hayley smile, again. That smile was much better than the one she gave me when she got 7/10 on the paper I gave her. Not that I didn't like that one, but because even though I know she is in pain, she succeed to forget about it; even for a second.

-So??? Is that smile a YES or NO???
Pesha was waiting for Hayley's answer.

-It's a maybe.

-Don't play with me, Hayley!

-Fine!! It's a Yes..

-You see?? Much better.
We all went back on class for the last hour of the day.

I was already in class before everyone else. Hayley got in with the girls and she gives me an  eye, meaning Hello without even saying it.
I started giving the lesson but as expected no one was in a mood for this. It's always the last class of the day. Everyone is really tired and no matter how much am trying to get their attention, I fail.
Finally the time to let them go came when the last bell rings.
I get closer to talk to Hayley before she leaves, but Nate ran in front of me.

-Wanna go to grab a coffee??
He asks Hayley but I see her hesitating.

-I was thinking going home.. you know.. am a bit tired.

-You mean walking?? With that weather? It's cold.

-I'll be fine.
She says and Nate shows her the keys of his car.

-Someone got a car?
She asks him. Wow boy, you are really trying to impress her.

-Yep. Ready for a ride?? Please...?  Am a good driver..

Please say no. Please say no.

-Okay.. I hope you are.
Shit.

-You will see.

It drives me insane.. it makes me mad that I can't ask her drive her home.
It makes me mad that I can't take her for a coffee.
They leave without telling me goodbye and the first thing that comes in my mind is to kick my desk.................