Let Go and Let God

Chapter 29

"Why didn't you tell me about it?" she asked after breaking the hug.

I close my eyes tightly and sighed. Then I look at her and said, "I'm just scared, ate."

"Scared of what?" she asked.

"Scared of what will be your reaction. Takot akong malaman kung ano ang sasabihin mo," I said truthfully.

Naging seryoso ang mukha niya tsaka ako hinarap ng maayos. "And you didn't get scared of God?" she seriously asked.

Natahimik ako.

I can't process any words and I can feel my heart beating faster at para itong kinumot at tinusukan ng milyon milyong karayom at kutsilyo.

Oo nga naman. Bakit hindi ko naisip 'yon?Ganon na ba ako kasama at walang isip? Am I that bad now?

"Have you ever think what will be the outcome of your actions?Have you ever think what the people would feel?And have you ever think what will be your destination after doing such a thing?" she asked seriously.

Hindi na naman ako nakapagsalita at napayuko lang. Honestly, I didn't. I was so devastated that time that I can't even think properly. All I want is to stop what I am feeling inside. To stop all the things that keeps running in my head. To stop myself from hurting. Kasi..kasi yun lang ang naisip kung paraan...

"See?You didn't, o naisip mo nga pero binalewala mo lang. And to tell you honestly, suicide is not a solution to your problem," saad niya. Hinawakan niya bigla ang dalawa kong kamay kaya ako napatingin sa kaniya. Kita ko sa mata niya ang awa, pag-unawa at pag-alala.

Napayuko lang ako dahil sa nakita. Bakit ko pa naranasan ang ganito?Bakit naawa pa rin sila sa'kin kahit alam na nila ang mga nagawa ko?How can I?Do I deserve this?

"We didn't judge you, ate K. But we want you to open your eyes and mind on the things that you needed to know from the very beginning. We just want to help you. Alright?" saad niya at hinawakan ang mukha ko't pinaharap sa kaniya. Nagulat pa ako ng makita ang mata niyang may tumutulong luha habang may maliit na ngiti sa labi. Napasinghot lang ako at pinahiran ang nag-iisahang tulo na luha.

Pinisil niya ang mukha ko at ngumuso. "Ang unfair mo lang ate K," saad pa niya.

Kumunot naman ang noo ko.

"Po?" lito kong tanong.

"Hindi mo sinabing magkapatid kayo ni Rein!Nung araw na pumunta kami kila Rein kasama ka, ang dahilan ba bakit hindi ka tumuloy sa loob dahil alam mong nandun ang ate mo?" tanong niya at mabilis akong tumango.

Kinurot niya ng mahina ang tagiliran ko at humikbi. "Kung tumuloy ka pa, malalaman mo ang pinag-uusapan namin. Though alam kong hindi ka makinig sa usapan ng matatanda na sayo. But I want you to know that it is about you and your mother. It's about your family, ate K. Hindi mo lang alam kung...." tumigil siya at nagkamot sa ulo. "Hindi ko nalang ituloy. Hindi ko gusto maging spoiler, ano?" aniya sabay tawa.

Tumingin siya sa likod kaya tangka ko sanang lumingon ngunit mabilis niyang hinawakan ang mukha ko at pinaharap sa kaniya. Magtatanong pa sana ako kung ano o sino 'yon ngunit bigla akong walang nakita. May biglang nagtabon ng panyo sa mata ko. At base sa perfume nito, alam ko na kung sino. Si Nashon. Pero bakit nila ito ginawa?Ano ang motibo nila?Anong gagawin nila sa'kin?Akala ko ba....

Napaiyak ako dahil sa naisip. No..no..no...It's not. And it will never be. They're so good and they can't do that. I know. 'Wag ka nga mag-overthink, Riri.

Someone hold me from my side and someone from my back guided me. Really. What are they trying to do?I'm like a blind man needed to have a lead.

Oh no.