Desire C.B

30

Half ass edited because it's 1am and I'm tired lol sorry

T/W: Body shaming 

*Leighton's POV*

Being homesick was a familiar feeling. I felt it all the time when we first moved to California, but this time was different.

I wasn't missing a place. I was missing a person. My baby to be exact.

Something that was both helping and hindering that feeling was my new ink work. Right under my left collarbone near my shoulder I had "Gemma" in a fancy lowercase font with a pretty simple tiara above the last a, slightly crooked. I almost felt like it worked out perfectly. That now I'd have her with me everywhere I went, even if I did miss her physical touch.

She was becoming my little girl in an emotional way, and to be honest I did cry this morning over it. 

I never thought I'd miss her, but in the 6 months she's been alive, she's starting to mean the world to me. She's my child. Someone I love and adore. Even her 3am wake up calls don't bug me anymore and I'm able to push them to the point where I miss them whilst I'm in Italy.

Something that hit me like a ton of bricks was that my birthday was in two days, and I couldn't help but feel sad. My baby wasn't going to be with me for my birthday and honestly it wasn't something I knew I wanted. I almost wished I had brought her on the trip, or had just stayed back in general. 

I'm learning that dumb things mean a lot to me. Things like her being alive for my birthday for the first time felt like a milestone. There was a lot more to celebrate than just me, I wanted to celebrate her. 

I ended up having a pretty hard cry session to Sam last night about how Gemma didn't need me anymore after he said that she would be okay and that there was always next year. 

I just felt like they didn't get it.

Every time I talked to Gabe, he said everything was going fine and to be honest, it hurt. She was so clingy and whiny when I left and now she's magically fine? He did say her first tooth popped which of course added to my sadness and my aunt had sent me a video of Gemma on her knees, rocking a bit, sharing the excitement of her getting closer to crawling. I had so many emotions about this trip. I was missing so much. I never thought about how much could happen in just a week, but my sweet little girl not only has her first tooth, but is even closer to crawling, and I was missing it. 

Colby reminded me about all the firsts that I got to experience, and how now this is one Gabe has. Even if it was sad, I still got to experience so many firsts that her father didn't but it didn't take away the guilt I felt for not witnessing it first hand. 

We were now on our way to my grandparents house and I felt like my anxiety was making my skin crawl. 

"It's so pretty" Kat admired, a look of awe on her face as we got closer to my grandparents home.

"How are we feeling Leigh?" Sam asked, turning to look back at me. "Look familiar?"

I was quiet, looking out the window trying to spot anything that looked familiar. A building. A road. A tree. Anything. I was grasping straws here, and yet nothing. I shook my head, gnawing on my lower lip, my eyes locked on the scenery passing by.

"We're almost there Leigh" Colby informed me and I could feel the desperation in my chest.

Please look familiar. I silently prayed.

"It should be the third house on our left" Sam told Colby, Kat's phone in my face pulling me out of my thoughts. 

Kat's been trying to have me help her pick which photos were Instagram post worthy; claiming she wanted a girl's opinion. I don't even have an Instagram, I don't know why she's asking me. I knew absolutely nothing about the algorithm and what photos looked better and would prefer better.