Girl from Mitras ★ A. Arlert

Chapter 57 - Point of no return

Y/N spent the rest of the month relatively calmly, as she had planned. She knew that after the holidays she would have worries about what to do with Levi, or rather, whether she could handle it... She was frightened by what she would have to do. She perfectly understood how people in her position learned dangerous things in the field of medicine... And the fact that you studied and learned a lot didn't mean that you would succeed using this knowledge on a living person. She was worried, but tried not to show it, because it was too early for real unrest.

She celebrated the New Year at the «embassy». All people in the Restoration and Reunification Alliance were invited to a party hosted at the embassy. Levi, as a «veteran of the Battle of Heaven and Earth», even received a separate written invitation, which he naturally treated as a mockery. But in the end, Y/N forced him to go under the pretense that someone would need to control her drinking needs.

Y/N chose not to dress up much for this evening, she wasn't in any festive mood, and assuming that she would end up leaving this evening in a disgusting mood, she put on her black suit with a sweater instead of a shirt and that's it.

And in fact, everything was so. The evening was basically not bad at the beginning - some public figures spoke, talking about their achievements, about what they all experienced this year, and about goals for the future. The food and drinks were very tasty, it was definitely one of the best options of the evening. Then some «comedians» performed with very stupid jokes, many of them found it funny, but Y/N found it very doubtful, more watching Levi, who found it idiocy.

Then the live music started, which... was quite good, but... as soon as Y/N saw Armin and Annie, her only companion for the evening was a glass of gin, which she kept refilling. She was invited to dance, but she didn't want to, refusing Jean, and Reiner, and Connie. She sat all evening next to Levi, not even talking to him, looking at one point.

When it was midnight... People started counting the seconds, and Y/N took a bottle of whiskey and poured herself a full glass. Levi was saying something to her, she couldn't hear him. When the bell rang and the New Year arrived... Y/N faced her nightmare again - Armin, Annie, the kiss. Seeing them, she drank a very strong whiskey in one gulp, without wincing. And with a sigh, she stood up and walked towards the exit. After a couple of minutes, she returned, remembering that she forgot Levi. He didn't really resist leaving.

After taking him home, she sat with him for a while, and then began to cry. She was in so much pain. She wasn't hurt because she just saw them, she was hurt by the fact that Armin was well aware of her feelings for him and simply ignored her as if she didn't exist. She felt so... pathetic, unworthy... she didn't understand why she had to suffer... didn't she deserve to be happy... why couldn't she just stop feeling this... forget him... She sat and cried.

Levi made her a soothing tea, which didn't help her much, she still sat there and whined. He gave her a blanket, which she quickly wrapped herself in. He looked at her and regretted that he couldn't hug her. She was a wonderful person, a talented scientist, a doctor... a beautiful and compassionate woman... It was hard for him to see her unhappy, especially after he began to see her «differently». He wanted to make her feel better, but he couldn't help her. He couldn't even understand how she felt, because he... he never loved. He didn't love with heart. He understood it. He valued many people, respected his friends, comrades, but love... He didn't truly understand this feeling. It was unknown to him.

His life, as far as he could remember, consisted of cruelty, fighting, killing, surviving. His relations with other people were more comradely, because they shared some common goal. He never had a normal family, no one ever loved him, so... he couldn't understand what it was like. His mother... he faintly remembered her, or rather her concern for him. He remembered perfectly well that he had actually been an accident for her. She provided for his existence, took care of him as much as she could, and then... and then there was Kenny. He was more concerned that Levi could take care of himself as quickly as possible, so he taught him everything he knew how to kill, fight, defend, steal. Survive in the Underground City. And... then he left him. He was alone. Too long. Then... there was Isabelle and Furlan... His friends... But he lost them in a mistake. Then he became a soldier. And... he was losing his comrades. Now, looking back at his life, he couldn't remember that any of the people close to him knew as much about him as Y/N did. He didn't want to lose her either. Therefore, now he wanted to help her cope, because her thoughts could lead her into the dark corners of her mind, and she would again go to jump from the roofs. As strong as she was, her mind was both her strongest weapon and her weakest spot.