Girl from Mitras ★ A. Arlert

Chapter 32 - Hold me like the last time

TW: suicidal topics - If you feel uncomfortable reading, please consider skipping this chapter.

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«The ocean looked like one giant grave

You know I've always seen it that way

But now I feel it's high time to see if I can swim»

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There was a void in her soul that nothing could fill. She just existed. Nothing made sense, and it no longer angered her. She didn't feel anything. She couldn't. Y/N saw no point in trying again. She didn't do anything. She stopped eating. She just lay there and stared at the ceiling. She didn't cry.

After the incident on the roof, Levi placed guards at their ward, which made Sasha unhappy, because her campaigns to kitchen were no longer alone. Soon, Sasha got better and was released. Y/N was left alone. This feeling wasn't new to her. No one but Hange and Levi visited her. She thought that Sasha had probably told everyone about her condition, so no one comes. She didn't care about it. Life was losing all charm for her every day. Hange told her everything about what was happening, which she didn't react in any way, only once again convinced that the world was a disgusting place.

She felt how all that negativity, all that pain and loneliness, fears and worries that she had accumulated all her life hit her. She was broken. And her whole world was bursting at the seams. She lost her loved ones. Everything she believed in just crumbled to ashes. She, too, wanted to disintegrate into ashes.

When she slept, she had dreams about a cliff, about a roof. But she was always alone. She always fell. But she was no longer afraid. It all seemed so right...

A month later, she was also released. She, like all the remaining scouts, was given a room at the main headquarters in Trost. She didn't want to work. She continued to just lie there and stare at the ceiling.

Levi brought her food, but she didn't eat much. He saw her fading away. She didn't realize what she was trying to do. She only plunged into her pain and didn't see anything else. Hange wanted Y/N back to work, the Survey Corps needed her. Everyone was needed. But, for Y/N, everything has lost its meaning.

- Why don't you eat?

- I don't want to.

- Hange wants you to investigate Eren in terms of the information we've found, and...

- I don't want it. What is this all for?

- Get up. Let's go.

- Where... I'm not going, Levi.

In the end, he still forced her to leave. He led her outside, they were heading into the city. Y/N followed him, not realizing what was happening around. People passing by looked at her, but she didn't care. She looked down at her feet, hiding her face with her hair, wincing at the bright sunlight that blinded her tired eyes. Recently, she has completely lost touch with reality. She still didn't realize how long she had been following Levi and where he was leading her. She only knew that she was tired. That she wants to go back to her bed.

- Sit here. And don't leave.

Y/N sat down on the bench Levi pointed to and lowered her head. She wanted to sleep. Her eyes were stinging from the bright light, and her head was a little dizzy due to overexertion and physical effort. She hardly ate anything and got tired quickly.

Suddenly she felt the touch of cold hands. Levi took her hands and put the hot mug into them. «Tea... Of course, where else could he bring me to?»