When Stars Fall (NaNoWriMo22)

Chapter 18

I burst through my cabin doors, breathless and terrified. I am in love with a human. I have given my heart to him.

My fingers run through my scalp as I try to regain my composure. It's astonishing, really! For centuries, we have watched our brethren have their hearts and spirits stolen by mortals. We have seen the consequences of this time and time again. The trap. The tears come quick without fail. They stream down my cheek as a hot pain settles in my heart. He kissed me! And it was meaningless. But I shall never forget it. Every second, every feeling. I love him.

"Alcyone?" I turn to him in surprise, in slight panic. He sees my tear stricken face and worry clouds his eyes. "What's wrong? What's happened?" Averett tries to reach for me with big strides, but I back away from him. "Have you no idea what just happened? What you have done?" I sob through my words. The memory replays over and over in my mind. I cannot get it out! It's driving me insane. "I did what he asked to keep the crew from suspecting anything! We've barely kept up our disguises throughout our time here." I laugh.

It is all I can do. He wholeheartedly believes he did right! "No, Averett! You should not have." I wipe the tears from my eyes harshly. My anger and frustration has given in to the brink of something else entirely. He truly does not see. He does not feel. "You kissed me in front of all those men all for what? For this lie! You took something that was not meant to be seen by such multitudes, Averett." He softly sighs, finally understanding my outrage. Or what he thinks it to be. "I'm sorry, Alcyone. It truly did not cross my mind." I turn my back to him, shaking my head. He doesn't understand. "Sometimes I forget that you are no ordinary woman. That you have not even experienced half of what others have."

I wish to throw myself overboard. I wish to suddenly burst into bright flames. Actually, I wish that witch had gotten to me first before this happened. "It is true," I sniffle quietly, "I am inexperienced in many things. But I do know more than most." I swallow down my sorrow and gather up my courage. "I know of love," I whisper. I didn't think he heard me at first. It got too quiet for him not to have. The only sounds I could hear came from my rapid breathing and thunderous pounding of my heart. It dares to beat for him even after all I've been through this evening.

"You know nothing of love." His words hit me straight through my chest. I turn and look at him. "I know a lot more than you think, Averret! I've seen it." In hundreds of lives, in hundreds of people. I have seen them fall in love. I have seen them live their lives in pure happiness. I know what it is. I also know what is not. "Yes, but have you felt it?" The poison in words makes me recoil. The look on his face pains me. He's just as confused as I am. "Have you felt love? Can you define it?" I don't know how to answer him. It is true I have never felt love before today, but right now all I feel heartache. Is that not a sign of love? "Have you ever gone far and beyond for love? Have you walked through fire for that love? Done the impossible to secure it?"

I do not know how to answer him. The harshness of his words wounding me deeply. The way he speaks about love as if it is something that needs to proven. That needs to be acquired. "Are you sure that this is what you say?" He narrows his eyes. "What?" I invade his space, searching for the answers to my own questions in his eyes. "Are you sure what you feel is love?" I gesture between him and I. "Are you so sure that this is love, and not want? 'Attain the Star and you shall have me'." He hesitates and it gives me hope. "S-stop it, Alcyone."

"You say I know nothing," my hands tremble with such intense emotion, "but I do. Averret, humans take a Star's heart, body and soul one way or another." My eyes fill with unshed tears. "But, I've given you mine. I've given it to you willingly." My voice shakes unsteadily as his face falls. His blank expression wavers my courage. "I love you and I feel it, Averret." I grab his hand and place it over my heart. "My heart has chosen you to shine for. Don't you see it?" My skin glows white with my words.
Brighter and brighter. "Choose me. You have nothing to prove to me. I know you are worthy of everything in this world and the next." My heart thunders underneath his soft hands. It aches at his silence. At his hesitance. It knows he won't love me. It knows he loves another. I am no match against her.

As the seconds tick by, the cracks in my heart dig deeper into my being. His eyes soaks my heartbreak and he takes a step away from me, dropping my hand. Averret takes another and another wordlessly, leaving me behind. I whimper in pain when he closes our room's door. I finally break; plunging  to the floor and, for the first time, I experience human heartbreak. My tears leak over my cheeks. I will never be Everly. She's what motivates him, give him his strength. I am merely his way into her heart. The pain is immense. And it has changed me. I'm not sure I'll ever be the same.

*****

I'm not sure how long I weeped or when I stopped entirely. I just sat in silence for a good part of the night and well into morning. Averett never came back.

I suppose I cannot blame him. It was a rather tense situation for the both of us. In fact, this was the first time since I've fallen that I have not slept through the night. Is that what heartbreak feels like? Like, a crushing weight on your chest? Not wanting to move or breathe? Still, I got up and changed. I brushed my hair. I put my shoes on. I walked out of my room in a contemplative silence. I've destroyed everything between Averett and I. I shouldn't have admitted my feelings nor have gone through this farse for so long.

I'll uphold my end of our deal as I promised to do. And so will he, undoubtably. "Good morning, Alcyone!" Milton catches up to me on my way up the deck. "Are you ready for your class?" I weakly smile. My reading classes. I had forgotten all about it. It would serve as a good distraction. "Yes, Milton," he grabs my weak hands and leads me away. I don't fight him.

My only thoughts revolve a certain mortal boy. But, I no longer feel the heartbreak. The numbness of the aftermath fogs my senses. As a Star, these feelings will only be a small part of my existence. As a human, I can't see the end of this loss. The struggle between both side is draining. I hardly pay attention to where we're going before I hear him call my name. "Alcyone." I still. My body locks itself at the sound of his voice. Milton notices and squeezes my hand. "You go ahead, Milton. I'll speak with Averett first." He nods quietly, leaving me alone with him. But not without his looks of concern.

We now stand face-to-face. He's wearing different clothes. That's what I notice first. It makes me angry, and I'm not sure why. "I just...I just wanted to talk abo-" I hold my hand up and stop him. I don't particularly want to talk about this anymore. "We do not need to have this conversation, Averett. You love Everly, I know that. You have been telling me this the entire journey. I care about you and I will do the impossible to get you home to her." Averett tilts his head back with a type of sympathy in his eyes.

I do not want his sympathy. I want more. My tears rim my eyes, the emotion getting to me against. He reaches for me, wanting to comfort me, but I step away from him. "I have a class to get to," I anxiously laugh through my sadness.

Life in this realm is harder than I perceived it to be. In the skies, with my family, we never felt sadness or grief or, even, happiness. We lived in a isolated space. So far from these sentiments. We observed history unfold, adventures begin, and lives end. Us Stars were never meant to live among men. We do not have the capacity nor the strength to walk alongside them without sacrificing ourselves. Humans aren't brutes nor are they morons. They are human. And that complicates this world enough.