In Every Way

14

The feeling of waking up in Coopers arms like this, completely naked and full of gratitude for what we did last night should call for a lazy start to the morning. But the moment I realize it's late morning and I'm not in my dorm room, I spook myself out of the bed in a panic.
    "Cooper get up!" I scramble away, immediately looking for my clothes, frantic, wanting nothing more than to crawl back in bed to that sleeping angel face.
    He stirs, moaning from the sudden movement as I lift the covers to find my skirt. "What's wrong?" Even his sleepy voice is gravely and perfect.
    "I'm late for class." I strap on my bralette and throw on my sweater. "Can you help me find my clothe?"
    He rolls over, holding up my underwear with a mischievous grin. "You might need these." I snag them from his fingers and hop around like an idiot trying to get them on as I look for my socks. "Come back to bed." He pats the sheets next to him.
   "Cooper this isn't a joke. I'm late for class. This isn't good. I'm so screwed."
    He sits up at that, naked and dreamy. "I'm sorry..." He pulls on his briefs. "Fuck." He finds my shoes and my other sock in seconds and sits next to me on the bed while I put them on.
    He runs his hands through his hair and over his face to wake up. "This is my fault I shouldn't have let you fall asleep."
    "It's not your fault." I'm practically out of breath with how speedy I'm going.
    "I could've set an alarm or something."
    When I'm finished, blowing out a huff of air to calm myself, I stand and look at him sitting on the edge of the bed. I don't like how ashamed he looks. I mean technically yes he was involved with my being late but I'm the one who chose to stay. I should have been the one to have him take me home. My worried lines soften. "This isn't on you. It's my fault. I allowed the distraction."
    His stance is abrupt with an irregular rise and fall to his chest. "Is that what you see me as? A distraction?"
    My pause is heavy. I really can't get into this right now but the pained expression on his face is telling. And I hate that I made him feel like that.
    "Well?" He steps forward, baring his palms to me. "Am I?"
    I don't want to say it but I also can't lie. "Right now... yes."
    "So you regret what we did-"
    "No. Never. I just... shouldn't have let it go so far that I fell asleep. But I don't-" I almost say that I don't have time for this but that would only make things worse "I really have to go. Can you drop me off?"
    We pull up to the academy as I'm finishing pinning my hair back in the passenger mirror. Cooper parks, then watches me, wary, clearly wounded from what I said before. I've told plenty of guys I can't have the distraction of them and have seen every single one react this way but for some reason it's different with Cooper. It's hurting me that I hurt him. Before it was easy to walk away knowing I'm doing it for the greater good but I feel like complete shit right now. I don't want him to think he's a distraction. And I definitely don't want him thinking I regret what we did. I need to say something to ease his mind, and relieve the pressure building in this jeep.
    He is surprisingly the first one to speak as I flip the visor up. "This isn't how it's supposed to go after last night."
    "I know. But Cooper? Nothing I do ever goes how it is supposed to. Last night was... no one has ever done what you did. Not in that way. I wouldn't take it back and I want so much more of it but dance will always be there. It always takes priority. It has to. Please understand."
    "Right." He leans his head back against the drivers seat. "I get it. I don't want to take that away from you."
    "Thank you. I have to go." I turn to get out but am pulled back by him meeting me at the center of the console. He kisses me goodbye, harder than before. Another reassurance that he understands, or will try to, which is all I can ask.

•••

Olga is not happy with my attempt to sneak into class. I barely make it in as she plays the music for the first warm up then punches down on the stop button as soon as she notices me. In her thick Ukrainian accent she cusses me with a barrage of foreign words I don't understand, but they get the point across. You stupid girl how dare you be late to my class, I will now whack you with my stick until your bruises have bruises.
    Without having breakfast or even a sip of water today I don't have the energy to push through how I usually can. I didn't stretch so my muscles ache and I can't find my balance or center. Plus I didn't have time to further break in my pointe shoes before class so they are stiff and harder to work in. Basically, I suck. Like really, truly, suck. I'm surprised Olga doesn't kick me out, chasing me with the stick she has used an unnecessarily amount of times on the back of my knee to straighten and my shoulder to press down and my hand to keep under turned. I think she only keeps me around so before the end of class she can make me demonstrate an almost impossible pirouette combination in which I totally fail at just so she can use me as an example of what not to do.
    It's literal hell through the entire day.
    I don't miss the concerned look from Alister and Harry as they know I'm off my game. Or the whispering insults from Jiada my frenemy as she laughs in secret to Lillian who looks like she feels bad for me. Carmen is enjoying every second with a sly curve to her lip and lift to her brow as if she knows exactly where I was and what I was doing and she is proud for it. At least someone today won't give me grief.
    The only redeeming thing to come out of today is when it is announced during our last class that the instructors have decided on their leads and they will be posted in the main hall. It's a frenzy of ballerinas rushing to be the first to see who got what role. I myself am eager to see as this will be huge for the fall showcase and probably telling for the end of the year performance, but my entire body also aches with stress. I never had to worry about placements at my old studio, I was just always chosen. Me amongst a few others of course but the pressure of possibly not making it on this list terrifies me. I've worked so hard.
    A literal stampede breaks out as soon as everyone is in the main hall, forming a mosh pit of tight buns and black leotards as everyone pushes their way to the front. Slowly dancers emerge either in tears or in celebration. It's devastating to see those who's dreams are snatched away in an instant all determined by a set of directors and instructors who hold your fate in their hands. With the talent here at TMDA it could go either way. The leads could go to anyone.
    Carmens warning about first years not getting lead roles echos like a demonic chant in the back of my mind as I wait in the back for the crowd to lessen.
    Lillian emerges drenched in tears. Oh god.
    Jiada comes right behind bragging about her lead in Josh's and Natasha's number.
    "What are you waiting for?" Alister comes to my side.
    I blink up at him. "I'm scared."
    "I know you were late and are clearly going through a crisis but if I didn't know any better you would have trampled any one of these bun-heads to see that list before anyone."
    "What if I don't get it?" A sudden wave of nausea rolls through me.
    "Only one way to find out." He grabs my hand and pulls me into the madness. Alister's body creates a wide break between the crammed shoulders and soon we're right up to the list.
    I let him check first with his meaty finger as it hurriedly reads through the list. After a beat he looks back at me with an elated, white toothed smile.
    "What does it say?" I choke on the rising bile threatening to come up. "What does it say?!"
    "See for yourself," he smiles even wider.
    "There you guys are!" Carmen appears out of nowhere. "I was looking for you." She eyes the list. "So? What happened?! I saw Lillian crying, poor thing. Jiada is being a bitch per usual..."
    I let her go on, muting her words as I take a breath and read through the list. "Carmen!" I scream, pulling her forward. "Look!" I point at her, Alister's and Harry's name marked under a trio with Olga.
    Carmen winks at Alister and high fives him. "Hell yes. What did you get, Avery?" She says it so matter of fact as if she knows I will find my name. But there, right there under a slew of group numbers is mine and Alister's name as the lead in Lawless's number.
    "Oh my god..." I whisper to myself. "Oh my god!"
    Carmen looks to see the excitement at the same time that Alister lifts me up into a big hug and twirls me in a circle.
    "We got it!" I squel. "We actually got the lead!"
   "And with Lawless of all the instructors!"
    "Please," Carmen scoffs, "he has liked you two since the first day and you know it."
    "Yeah but you said first years never get leads and we're both first years."
    "Yeah well, I guess you're just that good. Congrats guys." Carmen joins for a group hug. "We should celebrate tonight!"
    I groan, the momentary lapse of excitement for my lead role replaced again with the shame and guilt of being late for class. "The only thing I'm going to celebrate with tonight is an ice bath and hot n cold cream."
    Alister laughs.
    "Amen to that," Carmen agrees.