In Every Way

25

I've never pushed my body harder than I have the last two weeks. The drive doesn't stop even when my muscles burn, joints ache, feet bleed, vision blurs. There's not a pause long enough to feel anything but the pain from overworking for fear if I do, even for a second, I may break.
Dance has always been an outlet for me. No matter what was going on in my life outside of the studio I could always count on taking a good stretch and strength class, learning a killer combo, or putting it all out their in improv, to take it all away. Any confusion or unhappiness or loneliness; I would dance it out. I would go out there and give it my all until my mind was numb and every negative thought was replaced with a clear slate. That's why I fell in love with dance in the first place.
    This is different, though. I've never had to dance out heartbreak. I've never had to try and forget about a love that consumed me. No amount of stress I put on my body it hasn't come close to penetrating the glow Cooper dowsed me in. With every laugh, every kiss, every touch, every song, every sea colored gaze... everything he was, I almost became. But that glow is faded now. It's still there, lingering on my skin like the smell of him I just can't seem to wash off no matter how hard I scrub in the shower. He won't go away. I can't dance him off.
    That is why I don't leave even a second for anything else but perfecting my pieces.
    With Alister injured, they cut the duo. Lawless took it out on me by ignoring my presence altogether, which in turn earned my classmates indifference as well. But I don't blame them. I ruined everything. The person I trusted to enter our world, who was supposed to be a support system to them all, ruined the showcase. Now we are stressed, having to reformat and change up leads, and partners and... it's a mess. All because of me. Sad, lonely Avery.
    The first few days after the gala I was utterly shattered because of the things Cooper said. The realizations he forced on me to come to terms with. I had the urge to stay in bed but I refused to miss class. I refused to let him have that much more control over me. Even though there was a gaping hole where my heart was torn away from, I still pushed through. I showed up for myself.
    By the end of that week my mind and body needed rest but I was no longer fueled by the sad emotions bringing me down, making it hard to even breathe. I was angry. So incredibly angry. Cooper ruined everything. He came in like a wrecking ball and smashed my entire world into nothing. My partners career is over because of him. My career is over. Any feelings I had for him at this point were gone. I was so mad I couldn't remember one good thing about him. I could only ever hear the last night we saw each other where he whipped me senseless with disrespect. No matter how much truth his words held he acted like I didn't know any of it. Like I wasn't capable of choosing all of those things in order to keep dancing. I'm not naive enough to know my surroundings and who I surround myself with. He should have known I'm much stronger than the girls who give in to all the bullshit politics of dance. It made me so livid he didn't see that in me.
    I came to my senses after that. With only a week left before the showcase I had no choice but to shape up. I was working hard in class but my mind was always elsewhere. It's much easier to tame your physical body than your mental thoughts, but I finally did. I grabbed myself by the shoulders and shook the sense into me. My future flashed before my eyes and I knew I needed to get up and make sure my solo was perfect. With or without Cooper, I had to figure out a way to make it work.
If I can't show my talent in the group numbers like before I will just have to make the solo memorable. Which I am perfectly capable of doing by myself.
    Only now, today, I'm in full panic mode. Pure distrust of myself and my work and choreography has set in. I'm having trouble finding a sound to match the tempo and since every step is meant for his words and his song nothing will blend fluidly. It's so original no song even comes close. And every song that does is just a reminder of what this was supposed to be. This dance was supposed to be the best of the night. The one that gets me noticed by directors. The dance that changes my career when now it may very be my downfall.
    I hit pause on Carmen's borrowed phone, stopping the speakers from working, and toss it on the ground in frustration. My head hurts so bad I have no choice but to hold my temples hard, pressing and pressing until I hear the door to the studio open. It's late. Like middle of the night late. That scares me until I see it's Carmen coming in.
    "Thought I'd find you in here," her voice is low and thoughtful. "Still working your solo?"
    I nod, disheartened by my lack of progress. "There's not a single song I can work it to."
    "I figured." She drops her dance bag.
    I notice she is in a sports bra and spankies, pointe shoes in tow. "What are you doing?"
    "I'm here to help you."
    "Carmen, it's midnight. You should-"
    "If you think for one second to tell me to go back to bed while my friend suffers all night when I could be here helping her through it, I will slap you."
    "It's fine, really..."
    "Really?" She crosses her arms. "It's fine?"
    My gaze falls to the marley.
    "You're one of the best dancers at this academy, Avery. You could stand out there on the stage and do a développé for two minutes straight and you'd get a standing ovation for being so innovative."
    "I don't know about that."
    "Well, either way, we're figuring this out. Tonight. The showcase is this weekend."
    "Trust me," I sigh, "I'm fully aware."
    When she's done putting on her pointe shoes she pulls me in for a hug. "We are going to stay in this studio all night if we have to, but we will find a song, and we will create a kick ass solo for you, okay? It's all going to work out."
    I lean into her hug. "I really hope so."
Otherwise coming here will have been for nothing.