In Every Way

26

I never imagined when Carmen asked for my help with her solo costume that it would consist of black body paint, but here we are. She instructs me to use my hands and drag them over the nude bralette and spankie shorts she is wearing, making sure to create trails from my fingers as if I tried to grab hold of her but she slipped away. The concept is obvious. Well, to us. To the only two people who know who this performance is really for. I asked Carmen how everyone else will figure it out and she said it doesn't matter if everyone else knows. What matters is that Lawless will. He will know exactly that the dance is about him and how he took advantage of her young body and has ever since been using those moments against her. The hand prints I'm placing along her body are supposed to represent his on top of every word he used to lure her into bed, every touch he used to get her to do what he wanted, every time he did it without permission.
    I stare at her in awe and how she came up with such a concept then I give her as much of a hug as I can without messing up her costume. "You're amazing, Carmen."
    We both turn around when the door to the dressing room opens and in comes Jett sneaking through with a wide set grin.
    "You!" Carmen's mood uplifts at the sight of him. "You're not allowed to be back here."
    "So?" He goes to bring her in for a hug but stops when he sees the paint. "What's all this?"
    "It's my costume."
    "Aren't ballet costumes supposed be like tutu's and all that shit?"
   "Don't worry you'll see plenty of tutu, but this is for my solo. We perform those first."
    "Well whatever the hell it is I'm excited to see it," Jett gives her an air kiss as she leans in.
    I'm so confused at how out of the loop he is. "Do you really not talk to him about this?"
    "Why would I waste our precious time together talking about the boring details of the showcase?"
    I feel like that's all I ever talked about with Cooper. No wonder he couldn't stand to be with me anymore.
    "What's all this?" Carmen gestures to the many bouquet's of flowers and presents Jett has been very poorly hiding behind his back.
    He brings it all forward with a cheeky grin. "For you, my dancing queen."
    "Shut up." Carmen laughs. "But gimme, gimme!"
    She takes what he gives her straight to the couch and starts tearing into the gift bag. To my surprise he hands me the other set. A bouquet of blush pink roses and a pink gift bag with pink tissue paper sticking out. My favorite color. I know exactly who this is from. I want to laugh thinking about Cooper walking out of the store with mounds of pink colored items but, I hold back the thought.
    "He said you can burn them if you want but I wouldn't if I were you. He hasn't told us what happened but for the record, just in case he's the one who fucked up, he's been a depressive wreck the last few weeks. If that makes you feel any better."
    "Thanks Jett."
    He leaves me to join Carmen as she squeals over the gift he got her. But I tune them out. I really do feel like burning anything Cooper has touched but even after our fight and everything we said to each other, even after these two weeks apart that apparently have been hell for the both of us, he still got me flowers for the showcase. And a gift. A gift I have no clue of what if could be.
    I'm nervous as I take out the tissue paper and reach inside. The first thing that comes out is an envelope, so I decide to start there. Instead of it being a cheesy good luck card as expected, there's a hand written note with my name on the backside. My heart thunders in my chest as I unfold the lined notebook paper that looks like he tore from his notebook of lyrics. Just seeing his handwriting alone takes back every thought of setting these things on fire. I want to know what he has to say. I need to know. Good or bad this could be the closure I need before I never see or hear from him again.

Avery,

I don't remember the last time I sat down and wrote a handwritten note for someone. It reminds me of writing a song in a way. Of coming up with a string of lyrics to express how I'm feeling. It's the only thing I felt I could do to get across what I need to in the right way. So here it goes.
   I know you probably hate me and I don't blame you. I don't blame you for any of it. I take full responsibility for my actions and if I could take back everything that happened that night I would. If I had to trade everything I have to go back to that night and be the man you needed me to be I would hand it all over no questions asked. Because you were right. I was supposed to be the bigger man. I was supposed to protect you and make you feel safe, to give you a reason to look up to me and believe in me. But I did the exact opposite. I hurt you and I hurt someone who meant something to you. The last thing I ever wanted to do was ruin anyone's career or chance at having one. I feel like shit for what I did. And for what I said to you. Tough love or not you didn't deserve any of it. If I could take that back as well, I would. I would trade my voice and any memory of ever picking up a guitar if it meant I could erase those moments forever.
    I just love you so fucking much, Avery. Did you know that? That I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I should've said it the moment I felt it and now I'll never get a chance. I'm sorry if it's selfish of me to do it now but I need you to know that. That I fucking love you. In every way, I love you. I don't know when it happened but it was the easiest role I've ever stepped into. The role of loving you. I'm sorry I fucked it up. I'm sorry I ruined everything. I wish I had a lifetime to learn how to do it right.
    It's no excuse but your well being and mental health are top priority to me and it was so hard to let your partner stand there and disrespect you. To disregard us. Physical violence is never the answer and I know that. I should have been better for you. This will be the harshest lesson I will have to learn on your behalf. Although there have been many lessons, it's the last few months of knowing you that will stick with me forever. That have shaped me into a better person however poorly I show that.
    I've never thanked you for what you've done, so besides attempting at an apology above, the point of this letter is for that. So thank you. Thank you for unlocking a certain compassion in me that wasn't there before. For bringing out emotions in me that hit me so hard I was able to write more songs in the last few months than I have my entire life. Thank you for inspiring me in life. For being a safe space for me to create without judgement, a space I could run to and hide in when I've never had something like that before. I've never found a solid home before you. Not with my parents, not being on the road, not even with the guys as close as I am with them. But then I met you and you just made so much sense. Who knew I'd find a home in a person. In you.
    Hopefully you read this before you open the actual gifts otherwise you're probably really confused right now but on the off chance you do, there is something else for you. You've heard some of these songs before but I officially decided to put them together into an album. Seeing as most of the songs were inspired by you I figured I'd call it "In Every Way". I always knew I'd dedicate my first album to you but I also wanted you to be the first to listen to it on a real cd. Old school I know, but for now that's all I can work with without a producer or real studio. Which are the next steps, thanks to you believing in me and convincing me I may have a real shot at doing this.
    Please know how sorry I am from the bottom of my dark empty soul. I love you, Avery. You will always have my heart.
    Good luck tonight with the showcase I know you will be amazing.
 
- Cooper