In Every Way

21

I'm a coward. A weak, love sick coward.
    One week has gone by and I haven't talked to Cooper. He hasn't reached out to me. I haven't reached out to him. We weren't supposed to see each other anyway because of the extra rehearsals but that was before our fight. The distance feels so much more harrowing this way. I half expected him to be waiting for me outside of class or to find him in my dorm but... silence. I've let it effect me to the point that I still haven't talked to Carmen. At least she started showing up to class again, so I can semi relax with that whole situation, still getting that gut feeling that I need to just wait for her to bring it up on her own time, when she is ready. I've been beating myself senseless in class and in rehearsals even picking up a private to keep my mind off of the tragedies creating the storm in my head.
    Tonight's private was pushed late through the night, so I don't get back to the dorms until nine. Carmen is here, not bunched and hidden under her covers for the first time in days. I go straight to my closet to change into sweats and a hoodie.
    At this point I'm running on little to no sleep and definitely haven't been consuming enough calories or properly hydrating, so my body aches. I can feel the stretching tendons and sore joints spreading deep. I'm fully aware of the consequences to not taking care of my body and while other girls are fine with skipping a meal or two I resent that I've fallen into the habit.
    The emotional turmoil is just as painful as the physical right now.
    I groan as I stalk to my bed and lay face first into my pillow, allowing my bed to swallow me whole.
    "The only thing making me feel better right now is knowing your body is in as much extreme pain as mine."
    A joke. Carmen just made a joke. The most Carmenly-Carmen of all sarcasm. I peak at her, making sure she is real. "Rehearsals have been killing me."
    "You're the one who signed up to do an extra private from Olga. What did you expect? She probably still harbors some resentment from when you were late."
    "I know."
    "But seriously." She rolls to her side to face me. "What's eating at you?"
    "Everything."
    "Care to share? I noticed you haven't been staying the night at a certain rockstars place this week. What happened?"
    How can I tell her about our fight without exposing what I know? "He doesn't like how I have to partner with Alister. He showed up at the first rehearsal and it didn't end well." There, a half truth.
    "Yikes. That's a hard one. But I mean, I get why he wouldn't like it. I saw a bit of your duo when I was walking to Josh's and Natasha's rehearsal and it is spicey."
    "You're siding with him?"
    "No, I don't play sides. I'm just saying it probably sucked for him to see especially if he's not used to it, ya know?"
    I sigh. "Yes, I know. He was just being a complete jerk. He needs to learn how to chill out and not react so suddenly."
    "Did you tell him that?" she asks.
    "No, I haven't seen him all week. He's ghosting me."
    "Maybe he thinks you're ghosting him."
    "I don't know." I hide my face in the pillow again. This isn't helping.
    "You sure that's all that's bugging you?"
    I reply with a muffled, "Yes." Even though there is a whole other part to the equation she is missing.
    "Avery." I look at her, taking in her serious expression. "I saw you, you know. I know you saw me with Lawless."
    Adrenaline shoots through my veins with her admittance. "What?"
    "I know you know."
    My body levitates to a sitting position, not ready for this conversation but needing to be, right now. "Carmen, I- I don't know what to say."
    "It's okay. I didn't expect you to be an expert on how to handle walking into your roommate getting assaulted by your instructor."
    "You're not just a roommate. You're my friend, and... and I had no idea how to help you. I wanted to tell you, to let you know I'm here, but I didn't want to freak you out. I'm so sorry I waited this long to talk about it. I really am."
    "You want to know the full story?" She offers. "It won't make you feel any better but at least I'll be able to get it out for once."
    "Of course. If you need to talk, then, talk. Please. I am here for you no matter."
    She flips to her back and stares at the ceiling as if recalling every horrific detail. I do the same, waiting for her to profess her truth.
    "You know Lawless and I hooked up last year, right?"
    "Why would I know that?"
    "Because everyone at this school are a bunch of loud mouthed, ignorant assholes."
The rumors. "Alister mentioned something but... I didn't think anything of it, Carmen. I didn't care."
    "Yeah well you're a peach for it."
    "He's your instructor..." I state the obvious, needing to jump right into the hard facts and how any of them got overlooked.
    "He's also eight years older than me."
    I sit up with that. I knew he was older but, "You were so young."
    "It didn't seem to matter at the time. I had hooked up with older guys before but Lawless was different."
    "How did it even start?"
    "He made the first move. I fell right into his trap, feeling special that he would choose little ol' me, a first year with the good legs, to give his attention to. We slept together a total of nine times before the leads for the end of the year showcase were announced. I was pissed I didn't get it. I never slept with him to get ahead but somehow... deep inside... I kinda hoped it would sway him. Some other girl got the lead, obviously."
    "The one who got injured?" The amount of times I've heard this whispered about in the halls, and I am finally getting the true story, from the true source herself.
    "Her name was Heather. Everyone thinks I somehow had something to do with her injury but it wasn't me, it was him. Lawless set it up so that I would be pulled up as lead."
    My gasp is audible and loud and full of shock. "But if he had control in the first place why would he do such a thing?"
    "It was some kind of fucked up power move, although he probably got off on it, too. I ended it with him right after the leads were announced, pissed I didn't get it after everything. I threatened to tell the board and then a few weeks before the showcase it happened." She blows out the breath she's been holding in. The one that holds this confession that she hasn't spoken a word of in months and months. "It's all my fault."
    "It is not your fault! That guy is a serious sociopath and you don't deserve any of this. I know it would be hard but we can still go to the board. We can tell them everything."
    "Trust me, I've thought of marching right into the deans office and spilling my guts everyday since then. But I would be kicked off and forced to sign a gag order or be sued. There's no way to win this situation. I commend the MeToo movement but I'm not as strong as those girls. Not yet anyway."
    "But you can be, Carmen. I would support you. We all would."
    "Would they, though? I know what they say. Even you heard about the rumors. We're all competitors here and they would just think I'm trying to get ahead somehow. They would call me a liar, Avery. They would and you know it. They would hate me even more than they already do for it."
    "This is so unfair." I want to cry for her. "I wish there was something I could do."
    "Take my secret to the grave, that's what you can do."
    "I can do that. But I need to know if you're okay-"
    "I'm okay, promise. You don't need to stress about me anymore."
    "Does... this mean you will take one of my secrets to the grave as well?"
    She sits up and reaches her pinkie across for me to wrap mine around. We lock the promise in place.
    I hate that my life is defined by a boy now but I can't deny my feelings and I need someone to talk to about them. Someone like Carmen who has experience and isn't afraid to tell me how it is. "I miss Cooper so much I think I'm getting sick over it."
    She smiles, all the way to her milky brown eyes. "You love him, don't you."
    Just hearing those words freak me out. "I don't know what I feel."
    "Well, if love isn't longing so hard for a person your body physical becomes ill because of it, then I don't know what is."
    I fall back on my bed and cover my face, taking deep breaths, because I know she's right. "How can I feel this much for him already?"
    "Who cares? There's no time limit on when you fall in love with someone, whether it's your first or last. That's why there is a such thing as love at first sight. I think if it's the right person then it shouldn't take long at all. Why would you want to stay with someone after months or years spent trying to love them? You should spend that time in love already, not searching for it." I knew she was the right person to talk to. "I don't know. I don't have much experience in the subject but I do know people say if it's meant to be, it will happen. And if not, let them go."
    I take a long moment to go over what she said.
    Carmen gets up and lays next to me on my bed. "Was your fight really that bad?"
    "About that... I wasn't being fully honest. But now that you know I know about Lawless, Cooper didn't just show up to the rehearsal out of no where. The day before he noticed something was off with me and I ended up telling him what I saw and he freaked. Like he was not okay with it. So he showed up to make sure I was okay but it was terrible timing because Lawless was in the middle of telling Alister and I that he wanted to end the dance with him kissing me and he also alluded to the way I have sex."
    "Okay, what the fuck, on so many levels?! You told him you wouldn't do it, right? Kissing Alister? He can't force you to do that."
    "Alister could tell I was uncomfortable so he took one for the team. He said he wouldn't do it."
    "Good. But this makes so much more sense why you said Cooper reacted bad. I told you before I don't pick sides but... I one hundred percent understand. He cares about you, Avery. Imagine learning his band was bringing on a female lead singer who is an evil sex prowler and he had to like sing with her or something and spend time back stage with her."
    "That would suck. But he already has those stupid groupies who seem to be multiplying like fruit flies."
    "It still worries you though, doesn't it?"
    "Yes but I trust him. I know he wouldn't let anything happen. He can handle himself."
    "Exactly." She looks around the room to gather her response. "I don't think it's a matter of trust. You wouldn't be able to protect yourself if Lawless pursued you in the same ways as he would be able to against some random girl coming onto him. And he knows that. I know it," her voice shakes. "I wish there would have been someone there to protect me. Someone to show up just in time because he wanted to make sure I was safe. It would have changed a lot for me."
    I grab her hand for support.
    "I think he's just confused about the whole partner thing, by the way you have to blur the lines of dance and real life emotion with a male partner. Maybe you should talk to him. Stop ghosting the poor guy, grab him by the balls and show him exactly that you're his and no one else's. Guys like that shit."
    Somehow I find it in me to laugh. "What would I say?"
    "Well first don't let him get away with the way he went about it. I don't know the details but he shouldn't be exploding on you about anything without talking it through first. So make that very clear. Then, I don't know, whatever comes to your heart. Just make sure to end it by giving him head or something he'll forget alllllll about the reason he was upset."
    I reach over and smack her arm playfully. "Carmen!"
    "I'm serious." She shrugs. "You can't be happy every second of your relationship especially when it's complicated by feelings and sex but you know what they say, never go to bed mad. Or in this case, never end a fight without make up sex."
    "Hm."
    "Can I tell you another secret?" I glance at her. "I think I might quit."
    "What?!" No. "You can't!"
    We sit up for this next real talk. She says, "I need to."
    "No. No you have to stay. You've worked so hard for this-"
    "I've decided already. My body is dead. It's in pain all the time. I was overworked as a kid and I can't take it anymore. I'm burnt out." Those words feel like a death tone to the underworld. A signal that she has given up and that it's time for her to go.
    I should have said something sooner, maybe that would have given her time to change her mind. "I had no idea you were struggling like this."
    "How would you? I haven't told anyone. Being overly outrageous on the outside is better than showing a hint of the beaten down little girl on the inside. I don't want to do it anymore, I don't want to dance."
    My heart is shattering right now. "I could have-"
    "Helped me? Yeah. That's what Lawless said last year when I blew him off for not getting the lead."
Wow. "That's when he did something about it..."
    "Yep." She looks haunted by the memory.
    "He really is a sociopath."
    "Don't worry, I have a plan," she manages a mischievous grin. "I'm going to wait until the night of the showcase then not show up."
    "Wait... what will happen then? What does that mean?" It would screw up the entire show.
    "Well, I need you to help me make it happen."
    "Anything."
    "I know you're the over achiever and are hell bent on getting noticed enough to hook a spring showcase lead or two and ensure you get hired outside of this, I know this is your literal dream and you would do anything, so... I need you to step up as my understudy in Josh's and Natasha's number for the lead. That way all the numbers will be flawless except for my spot in Lawless's. He will have to scramble to get his shit together for that and the trio. He screwed me. I screw him. Figuratively and literally." My face is slacken at this point. "Don't worry. I'll be in the audience watching it all unfold."
    "You're serious about this?" I'm shocked.
    "Never been more sure about something in my whole life."
    "And you're sure? There's no coming back from this, Carmen."
    "I'm sure, sure. Which means you're going to have to start learning my part. I know you're already doing a lot but-"
    "I'll do it. For you, I'll do it."
    Her grin is contagious enough to draw out my own.
    "I really don't know what to say."
    "Say thank you and you're glad I'll be happier."
    "Thank you because this means I will have a chance to dance two leads and, of course, I'm so glad you will be happier." I throw myself in for a hug.
    She tightens her grip until neither of us can breathe. "I'm still doing my solo. That will be the cherry on top of my master plan. I'll need your help with the costume portion. It will be the perfect slap in the face to Lawless."
    "More than ditching his numbers?" I can't imagine what she has planned. I'm so happy to have Carmen back. She's perfect in every way. Knowing her, she will go out with a bang that will leave students talking about her for decades to come.
    "I hope so..." She laughs, nervous. "Okay... The mood in here is way too depressing. We've been talking about nonsense for like two hours. I half expected you to bolt out the door to lover boy so you can make up and everything will once again seem right in the world. I don't like this pouting Avery."
    "I don't know how I would get ahold of him. I have no idea if he's at the garage.
    "Don't you have his number?"
    "Well, that, and, I don't have my phone."
    She sighs, disappointed. "Please don't tell me you followed that stupid rule?" My silence is answer enough. "You really need to learn to bend the rules sometimes, girl."
    "That's like the fifteenth time you've told me," I laugh at myself.
    "Wait, isn't it Friday? Wouldn't they be playing tonight?"
    "Yeah, I don't know where though. He mentioned last week something about Pine street-"
    "Pine Street Ave!" She jumps up. "It's a bar. It's on Pine Street and Pine Avenue. Weird location but so fun."
    "You know where it is?"
    She glances to the clock. "It's eleven. You have plenty of time to get dressed and over there!"
    "What? Right now? I'm not going right now."
    She pulls me up by my hand and shakes my shoulders violently. "You have to go, Avery. Save your mans. Save your relationship. If not for you, than me. I need something to go right for once. I'll even go with you! It will be fun. Just like old times."
    I scoff. "Old times? We've been out once. And it ended with me dancing and making out with some random guy."
    "Yeah but said rando turned out to be your long lost boyfriend you never knew you needed. Only this time it won't be ending so innocently. If you play your cards right," she winks.
    "You're so bad." I laugh at her. "I'm glad your okay, Carmen."
    "I will be. Now come on, I know just what we can wear."