In Every Way

20

Our first rehearsal with Lawless is brutal. Not only because he demands the absolute most of us, one thousand percent, but because he is a reminder of Carmen and how I woke up today to find her bed empty. It's when I got to class this morning and she never showed that my heart deflated completely, every ounce of hope for her depleted, as I ended up not seeing her all day. It's left my mind conflicted in so many ways.
More concerned for her than ever, I decide I am not going to let someone else's despicable actions destroy her career. As flippant as she is about dance I know she loves it more than anything. She wouldn't be here if she didn't. So that was the last straw. I am not going to let her throw her life away because of him. It's the push I need to step it up like Cooper suggested, like I've felt I've needed to do but haven't had the courage to... until now. Until after rehearsal where I plan on sitting down with her and talking. Whatever she needs whether that be an ear to listen or someone to come up with solutions and strategize, I will be it for my friend.
For now I just have to get through the next few hours.
Lawless is the type of choreographer who comes in with the material ready to go rather than setting the piece around the dancers. At my old studio they did it very different. Already having the music choice, the choreographers would spend the rehearsal time getting to know our strengths and weaknesses as we all, as a unit, would discover what looks and will do best before setting anything in stone. They would tweak and change and shift and rearrange for hours where as Alister and I are here to strictly learn the choreo and then spend the rest of the week cleaning.
Granted Lawless over the last few weeks has become familiar with our abilities and what we are capable of accomplishing as partners, but everyone has their limits. I'm struggling whether to be flattered he has such high trust in us or completely disturbed given he is a literal sexual predator.
As Alister and I work through the beginning section, I think about how it took everything in me to show up today. There's no way I could let Alister down, who I hate is in the dark about all of this. The way he looks up to Lawless, the way all the dancers do, how I used to, it's wrong. I'd like to think if they knew they would be as perturbed as I am, but sadly I'm not sure it would matter for some.
"No, no, no. No, Alister. That's wrong. You'll never be able to get enough height with that grip." Lawless walks to us from where he's been perched at the front of the room, picking at every single movement and detail of ours. "Stand back. Let me show you." He reaches for me, expecting my obedience as he asks to fill in for my partner. But every cell in my body is rejecting the idea of his hands on me.
"I'd... uh..." Lawless's impatient expression as if he can't believe I'm denying him throw me off my axis. Alister seems wary at my reaction as well. But I have to hold strong. "I'd prefer if Alister worked it out with me." I look at him. "Let's try again. I just need your left hand lower on my back and a tighter grip on my hip."
Lawless's head tilts in a brutally curious way as beady eyes examine my defiance, but Alister steps forward, taking me right into position and making the correction immediately.
"That's better," Lawless takes his place at the front of the room. "Now let's run through the last few sets of eight again."
We get into it on his count. Alister stands strong on the other side of the room, with an awaiting hand, as I do a piqué sequence toward him, across the entirety of what will be the stage. I spot like a maniac, tighten my core and use my arms to do majority of the work as I prick onto my right foot and whip around in at least twenty perfectly executed piqué's. When I've closed the distance I grab his hand and lift up to let him guide me in a series of shané's around his body while holding his hand.
Trusting Alister with the next part, I don't think or have time to make sure he is there, as I in place of finishing the turn, keep my foot in posé and arch my head back, allowing him to stop me with his embrace as he folds himself over my torso. My arms unfold over my head, fingers tips brushing the floor before he pulls me straight. I allow my back to bend in half as we come together into the final ending section.
Our harsh breath's blend into each other as he grips my hip, I push off his shoulders, then kick my right leg into the air, showing off my flexibility as Alister moves us from the side of the room to the front center. He twirls our bodies with a magnificent power given how tiring this number is, then pops me airborn so I can twist into his arms. He's holding me now by hugging my waist, looking up at me as I look down at him. I recreate the arm movements Lawless taught me. My feet gently, slowly flick up and down as I am supposed to be delicate at this part.
The whole dance is full of passion and lust; the illusion of it anyway. That's our job as dancers. We are story tellers. And this story is supposed to be a romance. We are to be in love. To represent the twists and turns, the rollercoaster, as Lawless explained, that a relationship can be. Ironic how he can conceptualize such beautiful work but in real life can't seem to be a decent human being.
When we take our time getting into the ending pose Lawless tsk's. Standing abruptly to better describe what he wants with fragmented thoughts and wild energy only an artist, a choreographer in this instance, can portray.
"I need more sex!" He explains with his hands. "This is the ending to an epic love story and you have to prove that to the audience. Make me believe it." He walks to the back of the room to observe through the mirror from behind. "Again! From the ending lift. I need to believe it."
It's such a rewarding, otherworldly feeling to take someone else's vision and make it come to life. But it is also the hardest thing a person can attempt to do. It's scary and intimidating. Alister and I are good at hiding any apprehension or wariness in fear of being called out for it by an instructor, for them to question if we have an issue with something and then god forbid kick us out or replace us, but the slight twinge to Alister's left eye as he puts me in the air is just as noticeable as the tight release of pent up air from my burning lungs.
I display my arms with soft, light as a feather movements, leading with my elbow and extending to the very tips of my fingers through the air as my feet flick. All the while Alister is descending my body down the length of his in an effortless manner. I slide down his chest and torso until my feet hit the ground and we wrap around in a tight embrace, breathless from working so hard.
"Again." Lawless demands. We have no choice but to do it.
I push off his shoulders until he catches me around the waist. Lawless yells different commands the entire time I move.
"More, Avery!" He claps on count. "Sexier!" I push my body as far as it can go to assume a sexy appeal. Something that doesn't come naturally to me at all. "I said I need to believe it! I don't believe it, Avery. Is this how you fuck? I need you to hone into that part of you and give it to me."
I do what I can, snaking my body onto Alister's, hoping this is the effect Lawless is looking for. He's being more extreme than I've ever seen him. Alluding to the way I have sex? It's the most inappropriate slur an instructor has ever said to me. My mind is reeling from it. Alister is clearly thrown off as well as we slide into the finishing position.
"I just-" Lawless grumbles. "It's the ending. It doesn't feel complete."
Alister and I step away to give him a moment to think. I rest my hands on my knees and breathe, hard. This really is pushing my stamina to its limits. Alister gives me a subtle thumbs up, looking at me to question if I'm okay. I signal back with a nod only he would notice.
Lawless goes off in a tangent to himself, speaking through different ideas, until he gazes at us with a fire behind his intention. "Let's try it again. Keep everything the same up until the very end, that's where I want to make a change."
Alister puts his hands on his hips, his tell-tell sign that he is exhausted. "What do you want us to do for the end pose then?"
"I need you to end it with a heated, passionate embrace."
"Isn't that what we're doing?" I ask.
He makes eye contact with Alister only as he says, "I want you to kiss her."
"What?" We belch in unison. He can't be serious.
"Are you okay with that?" Alister asks me with worry carved between his brows.
"I don't care if she is okay with it, just do it."
Stress and anxiety flood my nervous system. There is no way I'm doing that. For so many reasons. Too many reasons.
Lawless glares at me. "Hopefully you can kiss better than you fuck, Avery."
"I don't think that's any of your damn business." Cooper's tight, angry voice comes from the doorway.
All three of us snap our attention to find him leaning against the open doorframe, hands tucked into his pockets, looking like he might murder someone. It takes a second to register that he's actually here. Cooper is here.
"One of yours, I take it?" Lawless tsk's at us for the interruption.
"Uh, I'll be right back." I scram out of the room, having to physically yank Cooper by the arm until we are out of sight and earshot. "Why are you here?!" I whisper yell.
"I came to make sure you were okay knowing you'll be in with that fucking prick all day, and good thing I did. Who does he think he is speaking to you like that?" he heaves. "He's lucky I don't go straight to the board or whatever the hell it is and rat on his delinquent ass-"
"Cooper!" I wave my hands in a panic. "You can't be here. You need to go." Before either Lawless comes out here and says something sideways and I can't hold Cooper back from reacting or before Lawless decides I'm too much of a hassle and brings in my understudy. Either would be equally as terrifying.
"By the way I was standing there long enough to hear how your little dance ends. Have you really been making out with that guy this whole time? What happened to him being just your partner?" He doesn't stop long enough for me to utter a word. I'm too stunned to even speak, though. "I told you it would turn out to be more. That's not just dancing in there. It's more, way fucking more."
"It is just dancing, Cooper. It's... it's not what it seems, or what it looks like."
"Really? 'Cause I could've sworn I just watched another guy holding you as you slid through his hands down his fucking body until apparently he kisses you. Like how am I misunderstanding?"
"Because you don't know anything about it!" I let my voice strain against the confines of this silent hallway. "This is what we do! We tell stories on stage and this one story happens to be about love so we have to make it come across like it is. It has to provoke feeling. It has to be believable."
"Oh it is, don't worry." He looks wounded. I get that from his perspective it could look inappropriate but it is everything but. He has no idea how true that is.
I huff and puff at this outburst. At this interruption that could cost me everything. "I can't do this right now," I become stern, annoyed at his tantrum and inability to trust me. "This is what I do. I dance. I dance with partners who are men. I told you that at the beginning so I don't know why you're acting like this."
Before he says anything more his eyes flick to something behind me. Please don't be- It's Alister. Which, given our discussion is just as bad as if it were Lawless himself.
His arms are crossed, showing off his built chest as he stands tall in the door way. He sizes up Cooper, probably having overheard our conversation, then looks at me. "Lawless sent me to see what's going on."
"I- uh. I'll be right in. Two more seconds." I pray Alister leaves it at that but by the way Cooper's nostrils flare when I turn to him I know he is waiting there for me. "Please go."
"I'm not going anywhere."
"I need you to leave this be. We can talk later. But right now I have to get back to rehearsal."
He holds his ground, eyeing what he thinks is competition ready to take me away from him.
"You should probably listen to her," Alister speaks. "Before you make it worse."
I flinch at the rage that crosses Cooper's deep indigo eyes. He doesn't even look at me before he charges down the hall. I have no choice but to watch as he storms off.
It's funny how aligned our dance is to my real life. Relationships are full of passion and lust and sex, yes. But that's the easy part. The sections of the dance where we linger in our movements; where Cooper and I spend hours beneath the sheets. That comes with no qualms, no sacrifices. But this... this fighting... opposing opinions, acting and speaking with rage and high emotions without thinking first? It's the same thing as sending myself into a periouette sequence that lasts until my ankle gives out or my leg physically can't support me any longer. It's the hard lifts and crazy falls. Both are close to impossible to navigate.
A rollercoaster it is; this dance and my relationship. They go hand in hand at this point. The only problem is I have no choice but to resume with one as I let the other walk away feeling hurt and alone. After this fight though, the way he exploded, the way he refuses to see my art as nothing more than a set of choreographed moves that have no meaning behind them other than to entertain an audience, it hurts me in turn. It hurts more than anything.