his throat was raw | minsung

25

the whole remaining ride home was silent. no words could explain it. it was just uncomfortable.

as soon as they entered their apartment, han immediately ran to their bedroom and harshly slammed the doors, locking themselves in. they just wanted to be alone at that moment and let it all out.

minho was always really sure of the things he was doing, but this time was different. he just deeply sighed, honestly not knowing what to do and how exactly he should approach this whole situation. he didn't know if he should let it slide this time and never confront the younger about it again or if he should sit them down and have a real talk once again.

meanwhile behind the locked bedroom doors, han really wanted to hurt themselves instead of fighting and hurting minho. han had already pealed off their white bandages off their forearms and had started picking at the currently healing cuts. tears were beginning to gather in the corners of han's eyes as they just kept digging deeper and deeper with their nails at the cuts. it was burning deeply into their skin. the sensation sending instant relievers to their fucked up brain, telling them to keep going, but meaner.

they were stuck in a loop. why are they wasting so much time making themselves worse ?

han had successfully re-opened the wounds that were littering their arms as blood now flowed freely, drops of blood bouncing to the floor and their white bed sheets.

it was wrong but it just felt so right.

fighting with minho was the last thing that han needed in their life. and they hated the fact that they were the one who had started it in the first place.

now minho definitely hates me, they thought. teardrops completely mixing up with the bloody ones.

'hannie, i need to put the healing cream on your cuts, can you let me in, please ?' minho knocked on the door. it was 11:46 pm. 'are you sleeping, pretty baby ?'

that pet name. oh how much han hated minho for making them fall in love this deeply. he was just too perfect.

even after fighting minho cared. he didn't skip or accidentally forget a day, not even once to put the cream all over their healing cuts, while he whispered sweet things to han.

'let me in, please'

han lazily walked over to the doors, unlocked and opened them, letting the older in.

'i-i did something b-bad... i'm sorry, i-i didn't know how to deal' han instantly confessed, not seeing a point in trying to hide it from the other.

'what did you do ?'

han stopped for a second before pulling up their sleeve to reveal their ugly arms and turned around to look at the bloody mess that was their bed.

minho's heart immediately dropped. not again.

all of the progress they had made so far was going downhill day by day. han was simply a troubled teen with lots of deeper pain and trauma attached to their persona, that they were trying so hard to hide.

'hanji...' he frowned 'would you consider seeing a psychiatrist ? i want to help you but i just don't really know how at this point. it hurts me seeing you like this' minho gently said 'maybe you could try going at least once ? they might be able to help you a little more than i'm capable of. i know i said it would be only me and you but i see that you might need more than just me to feel better. i hate to see you hurting. have you been diagnosed with anything before ?'

'no...'

'okay i'll help you get a diagnosis first and then some counselling. would you be willing to go ?'

'i-it's so expensive...' han sadly said.

'don't worry about the money for now okay ? it's on me'

'no ! y-you can't do that'

'yes i can. it's like a date - i suggest it, i pay. it's the same - i suggested you going to therapy and i'll pay. it may not be as pleasant as a date would be but..'

'i'll go'

'really ?'

'y-yeah, but just so y-you could take a rest from my troubled ass. y-you really need a fucking break' both of them lightly chuckled.

'i'll call where i used to go during my freshman year of college when my best friend... uhm died. the psychiatrist was actually really cool and helped me a lot. i'll schedule an appointment as soon as possible, maybe she'll have a spot open for you tomorrow after school okay ?'

'o-okay, thank you'

'alright, now let's take care of these' minho gripped at han's arm and guided them to sit on their bed, avoiding the crimson red parts. 'seems like you'll be sleeping in my bed tonight since all of your sheets are dirty and bloody'

'i'm such a-a mess... i-i don't even know why i keep hurting myself, just s-seeking some kind of release, i guess..'

'go ride your toys instead of doing this' minho lightheartedly said as he started taking care of the cuts, cleaning them and putting on a thick layer of the healing cream, han was hissing at the burning feeling. it hurt.

'i'd much r-rather ride you if i could g-get past the jay thing' han simply shrugged through the pain.

'yeah and i'd much rather have you riding me than depending on my hand. it doesn't do the job anymore'

'o-oh' a red colour quickly spread across han's face as minho finished off bandaging up their arm, placing a quick kiss onto the new clean bandage.

'sat through it like a good girl'

'i love it when you c-call me a girl. y-you are the first person who doesn't invalidate m-my gender and i am so grateful for it'

'don't thank me for it. it's just human decency' minho said.

'does it m-mean i get to call you oppa ?' han shyly asked, loving the idea by a whole lot.

'cute. by the way, do you want to talk about what happened earlier in the car ? you know how they say : never go to sleep mad at someone'

'yes a-and i want to say sorry. for everything that i-i said. it was j-just all in the moment. i really need t-to work on how to handle my emotions'

'i accept your apology. and please the next time, hopefully there won't be a next time, but if you slip again and smoke or whatever - tell me. don't go behind my back doing it, praying that i wouldn't find out, you better smoke it in front of me with my supervision. i can let you smoke a cigarette or two from time to time, because i know it's hard to go from smoking marijuana almost every day for 3 years to not smoking at all' minho finally decided to compromise.

't-thank you, that really means a lot'

a/n : i am so sad i literally want crawl under my skin. but i don't even have a reason why. i just am.