Little Rogers - BuckyxOC

Chapter 37

"James, James are you listening to me?" My attention snapped back to my psych, her stern grizzled look wasn't exactly comforting but she was alright for the most part. 

"No, sorry." I sighed leaning back against the couch, my head touching the wall. 

"Fine, its gonna be one of those days. I'll ask you again, have you been keeping up with your list?" She said in her flat tone. 

"No, I haven't." 

"Why?" 

"I have my reasons Doc." I said looking back to her. 

She rolled her eyes and pulled her little notebook from her table and clicked her pen ready to write, I groaned at her actions making her write something down. 

"I hate when you get the book out, its so stupid." I said looking out the window. 

"You don't want to talk, then I write. If you start talking then I can put the book away, its your choice." She said looking back up at me from her book.

"Okay, what do you want to talk about then?" I asked. 

"Why haven't you been going through your list? It's been, what, almost three months?" I looked away clicking my jaw as I thought, every time I would even look at my little book I'd find it hard to try and think of the next name to cross off. 

Since Liz came back I didn't feel right trying to handle some of those people I put into power, it was risky.. 

I thought about the morning I went to Steve's apartment when I fell from the window after beating up those goons, that was the last time I tried crossing someone off but things didn't go as planned when a robbery started the next apartment over. Part of me wishes I hadn't gone to Liz that morning, I should've left when I noticed Steve wasn't home.. But she was just as calming, just as kind and comforting. 

"James." 

"Sorry, there's a lot on my mind." I sighed leaning forward onto my knees. 

"Then start talking." She said putting the book down. 

"Its not that easy, everything from work to family and then there's being an Avenger, no idea why people thought that was a good idea."  

"Is it maybe because they trust you?" She suggested. 

"Obviously now, took a lot of convincing though. But I just feel out of place a lot, like some of the team are just waiting for me to snap.." I said trying to calm myself at the thoughts. 

"Have any of the treatments helped at all? I know you were recommended for some-"  

"It didn't work." I snapped. 

"It didn't work or you didn't try it?" She asked catching my eyes. 

I stared her down for a moment as my jaw clenched, there was almost no fear in her of me but that also could be due to us both being ex military, knowing that death was just an occupational hazard. 

"I tried it but it was too much, they tried from all the wrong angles." I huffed. 

"How so?" 

"You don't take someone who's been tortured and strap them in a chair, neither do you try and say what words they knew to try and unleash an unstoppable assassin." I said raising my voice. 

"Easy, I'm not them. You've known me a hell of a lot longer, I'll take a look into that after our session, but if you don't tell me things I can't help." She said a little softer. 

I started shifting uncomfortably as I thought about the other things that had been happening, everything in my mind about Liz. 

"How's finding a relationship going?" She asked.