to make things awkward | fillie

9 | meeting lucy

The interior workings of Millie's brain felt like a computer that was chugging along with a million open tabs, thousands of which were playing conflicting jingles and ads, while the rest blared error messages over each other. It had felt like this from the moment her lawyer told her the Knoll's had died. That Lucy was in Atlanta and that she had the choice to make of whether or not to regain custody of her. No choice at all, really. As if she could put her up for adoption again.

Her only consolation was that she wasn't alone in this. She wondered what she would have done had she not run into Finn yesterday. Would she have contacted him to talk about this? Would he even be here with her right now, or would she be going into this completely alone?

She knew that dwelling on what-ifs was her brain's way of avoiding whatever current crisis she was dealing with, so she turned to Finn and said, "Nervous?" another thing she did when she was in crisis. Spread the crisis.

"Hundred percent." Finn said, looking down to her. She felt the urge to hold his hand or his arm, something to ground herself, but loading the elevator in her Lawyers building, she was aware of how in public they were and how an act like that could so quickly take a turn for the worse.

But before she could think more about that, they were on her lawyer's office floor, and then in the office that she had told her to meet at. It was a corner office, wide and open with floor to ceiling windows, two couches, and an armchair around a wooden table that held a pitcher of water, glasses, and a tray of cookies from the cafeteria downstairs.

The next level of panic set in and the lining of Millie's stomach felt like it was about to turn itself inside out. Breathing was becoming something she had to consciously give attention to. At this point, she was only vaguely aware that Finn was next to her. Although she was more aware that he was breathing heavily out of his mouth and kept fidgeting with his collar like it was trying to choke him. It reminded her of the way he was acting at the dinner her parents hosted just after she informed Finn of what had precipitated from their night together. Her whole family knew before he did, so they had more time to get used to the idea while Finn had just found out that day and was so nervous to face her family that he had sweat through two shirts during the evening.

And then Millie's main coping mechanism flared up, if she focused on someone else, she could pretty successfully avoid her own mind.

"How are you feeling?" she asked Finn, reaching for his hand now that they were alone. It was undeniably clammy. He tightened the grip, apparently needing the support more than she knew.

"About to shit my pants." he said with a nervous chuckle.

She appreciated the levity he brought to situations like this. She laughed and rested her head on his shoulder. The closer she was to him, the more at ease she felt. A small part of her wished he could just hold her—non-romantically of course—but she knew that would be crossing a line.

"The bathroom is around the corner." she offered.

He waved her off, "No, I'm good, I just—man, how long are they going to make us wait here?"

"Kate said that Lucy and her advocate hadn't arrived yet, they were stuck in traffic."

Finn let out a long sigh before saying, "God, this is bizarre."

She nodded, head still on his shoulder. She felt him rest his head on her's. It wasn't romantic in the least though, just two friends, comforting each other in a time of great need.

"I can't believe our daughter is somewhere down there. That she was stuck in traffic this morning. That she woke up somewhere in Atlanta and got ready knowing that she was going to be meeting us—Geez! My hands won't stop shaking." he held a tremulous hand up in front of them. She reached out and took it into her own trembling hand until they had both calmed.