to make things awkward | fillie

14 | familiar feeling

Finn offered to stay with Millie for a while longer after they had left Lucy in her new bedroom, and even though he could tell that part of her wanted to say yes, he understood why she declined. He still hadn't fully processed the kiss they'd shared just days ago and maybe that was part of the reason he had wanted to stay. Yes, he thought she could use the company and if Lucy came out of her room for anything, he wanted to be there, but he was also trying a little too hard to not be alone with his thoughts.

Which was exactly where he found himself when his door locked behind him. Soft lighting illuminated his apartment while the shades covering the vast window in the living room began to open to the city and suburbs below. The afternoon had barely set in, the sun still high in the Atlanta sky, but to Finn, it felt like it was nearing the late hours of night. His body was exhausted like he'd run a marathon with no training.

And maybe he had, emotionally speaking. People don't always realize that emotional energy often plagues the body the same way physical exertion does. When he was in therapy, that was one of the first concepts his therapist had conveyed. Any sort of output from any muscle in the body can contribute to exhaustion, the brain just happens to be the most powerful. And unfortunately, all forms of exhaustion take a toll on the mind.

Finn could imagine his therapist here with him now, telling him to give himself some grace. Allow himself to rest. Exhaustion would only worsen the anxiety that he had gone to therapy for. But the reminder of his anxious thoughts only sparked new anxiety which then snowballed into what else he could be anxious about. It was the Anxiety Vortex. He tried to fight his mind on this, knowing full well that fighting thoughts is like trying to scoop dry sand with a colander. It was pointless. He was supposed to instead let the thoughts run their course and then let them go, not trap them into an inescapable vortex, but reason was out the door as it so often was when he fell into these mind patterns.

In an attempt to wrangle his mind he started thinking of what he could do to distract himself. The apartment was quiet and now, well lit by the natural light cascading in through the window. He had a porch he could go out on to get fresh air but the heat was unbearable right now and he'd probably get a squelching burn if he spent just thirty seconds out there.

He hoped Lucy's skin didn't burn as easily as his did.

It felt so weird to be even worrying about that. He never thought he'd be in a situation where he'd see her again, and now he was something like her parent again. Had he ever really stopped being one though? He'd thought about her often, especially living in London where he knew she dwelled. Every little girl with brown curly hair had him wondering until he saw their parents. When he'd confirm the parents weren't the Knoll's he was often left wondering what his daughter was doing at that moment. If she was healthy. If she was happy.

If he and Millie had made the right decision.

And now that Lucy was back in his life, he was again questioning everything. Had they just kept her from birth, would she have been happy with them? She clearly loved the family they had chosen for her as if the Knoll's had been her birth family, but the pain that Lucy was so clearly struggling with wouldn't be there had they just stayed together. And they wouldn't have even had to stay together, they would obviously have been separated at points, but Millie's home was here in Atlanta. She was here pretty often, Finn could have made that move. London was great and all but he could have stayed here too. For Lucy, he was realizing he would have done just about anything.

He remembered how he felt similarly in the days after they'd let her go.

He looked around his empty and silent apartment, tears pricking his eyes, and he felt a vague sense of deja vu beginning to envelop him. Since he'd welcome any distraction right now, he wanted to figure out why. Stepping further into his apartment, toward the bright window, it came to him in a flash.