to make things awkward | fillie

22 | flowers

Finn didn't want to admit to Millie that Elsie left yet. Mainly because he didn't want to admit why. Just thinking about the conversation they had before she went home to Vancouver made his stomach do somersaults. And his heart, well it palpated between pain and confusion faster than the rhythmic thudding of an EDM song.

"I'm not sure you actually see it." She had explained, "It's one of those things with us that may never change. I can read you. We'll always be friends, Finn. But once you come to see things how I do—and you most definitely will—you'll be happy I stopped it here."

He had scoffed, his mind teetering between agitation and denial for what she was purporting to see in him.

"You love her, and not just as a friend. Maybe the flower hasn't fully bloomed yet, but you're nearing that big ole' springtime full bloom, Finn." She laughed sadly, "You just don't see it yet."

Yet.

As if at some point he would. As if she were undeniably right.

She had smiled like it was a joke. The only joke he felt was the one destiny was playing on him once again. The third time was supposed to be the charm, wasn't it? This was supposed to be his happily ever after. Millie already had hers. . . Then again, a four year engagement didn't exactly shout happy.

But to assert that he had feelings for Millie beyond the respect due to the mother of his child was borderline comical. Could you imagine? Him, Finn, being in love with Millie. He scoffed to himself, sitting in bed the morning after the dinner party at Millie's where he missed his first opportunity to come clean about his and Elsie's—what—breakup? Could he call it that if they were never really back together? They'd slept together a few times, but never made things official. Maybe that was his first mistake. Not making things official. He should have forced the conversation before getting into bed with her again. It didn't send a message of commitment or understanding to just have sex and not discuss what it meant.

The complete opposite to when he and Millie had started sleeping together while she was pregnant. The conversation before that affair had been long and arduous. It might not have been had he not been so against it. Had he just unthinkingly thrown himself into things, there would have been no debate. And maybe things could have gone wrong. More wrong than they already had anyway.

Thinking back on that conversation almost made Finn laugh, because at the time, it almost seemed like a joke itself. Millie was frustration personified. After she gained the slightest bulge in her abdomen, she started limiting her ventures into public significantly and always wore hoodies to hide what they did. It made her hot which made her annoyed and she was hungry and uncomfortable and he just wanted to help. He didn't have any physical repercussions for what they did. He wanted to bear some of the burden. He kept asking her what he could do to make things easier on her.

Finally, one day, she said, "I think—well maybe if I just—" then she huffed out a hot breath and said, "Sex. I want— fuck it— I need some raw intimacy here. I've been so damn horny for so damn long. This whole pregnancy thing is so ridiculous."

He remembered just staring at her like she was crazy which was not the response she was looking for.

"I don't want a relationship here, I'm just asking you to—please don't look at me like that." she whined.

He had averted his eyes. What she was asking for did seem a bit crazy—ludicrous actually— and he couldn't keep his face from telling her so. Not that he didn't think they could do what she was asking, but it seemed like a razor thin edge they were balanced on. Sex brought feelings—typically—and even though they'd already been through it once without growing attached, that didn't mean that they should start doing it out of convenience.