to make things awkward | fillie

19 | marriage and movies

Trying her damndest to keep Noah's thoughts out of her head did nothing to deter the reel of her postpartum views of Finn from replaying over and over. Millie was almost thankful for the heart pounding distraction of Jake coming home.

Almost.

She sent Lucy over to Finn's for the night so she and Jake could talk things over before he met her. Lucy put up no objection, she said she didn't want to partake in such an awkward encounter anyway and had only requested that Noah join them for their sleepover. When Millie asked him, he said yes before she even got the question out and when she walked across the hall to drop Lucy off, Finn was all smiles, which initially made her feel at ease, but then she saw Elsie behind him once again. Why did the sight of Elsie these days cause such a sour feeling to burst into her stomach?

Lucy immediately gave Elsie a big hug and Millie realized that it was probably just petty jealousy she was feeling. Elsie was flourishing with Lucy while Millie still found herself floundering to make their relationship anything close to what she wanted it to be. What if Lucy liked Elsie more than her? What if she wished Elsie were her mother instead of her?

It sounded crazy, but it probably would have been better for everyone if Elsie had been the one to accidentally procreate with Finn. They loved each other once. They're from the same place. They probably would have been able to make it work. Probably would've been better parents to Lucy. Elsie was so clearly good with kids, and while Millie had always thought herself to be naturally maternal and nurturing, she found that with Lucy, she didn't have it in her. She wanted to, but Lucy wasn't responding to it.

Millie stewed in these uncomfortable feelings, beating herself up over these mistakes and finding new ones to add to the mix as she made a simple chicken topped salad for her and Jake to eat when he got home. Once she realized that wallowing wasn't going to help anyone, she started to make a list of things she and Jake needed to discuss. She could at least try to be productive.

First on the list was the fact that Finn was living across the hall. That was a big one. Second, boundaries for Lucy. She and Finn had discussed that Jake would be able to make decisions and be like her father —if he wanted to— but she and Finn would have the final say. She wanted to discuss their long term living situation, this apartment wasn't their forever home and she'd always known that. Plus, like Finn had said before, living in a suburb, having a lawn and land, it would be nice for Lucy. And give them more privacy too.

Her anxieties must have increased her sense perception because she could hear Jake turn the handle of the front door from the kitchen, and when he swung it open, a second of pure apprehension gripped her stomach and cemented her to the floor. Was he going to be mad? Sad? Happy to see her? Or worst of all, emotionless?

Her apprehension slunk away when his eyes landed on her and a sweet smile appeared on his face.

"Hey, babe." he said, the bag dropping off his shoulder to the ground, "Smells great in here."

All the worrying from the past hour faded in her memory and for a brief moment, she forgot her troubles completely. This felt normal. Like when he would be away on business while she stayed to work on something for her own career and then he'd come home and they'd just be happy and together.

"Just some chicken salad." she said with a shrug. When they hugged, it filled her with peace. It re-charged her. She realized how lost she felt without him lately and she wanted to stay in his arms for a week straight.

When they finally pulled away though, he was looking down the hall toward Lucy's bedroom with a sad look on his face. Like he was looking at the room of someone who recently died, there was a reminiscent sadness in his eyes. Probably reminiscing when that room was merely their guest bedroom and not the room of her love-child.