Self-Harm
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Tsukasa's POV:
I take the knife and I slowly glide it on and off my wrists. I look at the blood leaking from my arms as a tear rushes down my face.
"Who am I now?" I ask myself. I only asked more after that.
"Who have I become?"
"Why am I like this?"
"Why am I so self-centered?"
"I hate this."
I look at the pictures on my wall. I stare at the picture of Rui and me cuddling. I can't help but stare at Rui's smile.
'How can he date me,' I wondered.
'I'm such a horrible person. I'm not "confident", I'm pretending. I'm just broken.'
I watched as the blood dripped onto my carpet and stained it. I had left 17 cuts on my left arm and 13 on my right. I felt hopeless. I knew I was useless. I looked at the time. I took the Hydrogen Peroxide from my end table and cleaned the cuts. I took my wrap-around bandages and covered my cuts.
I got changed into a short white shirt, black extra short shorts, and white high socks. It's all I had and they were Saki's. I laid down on my bed and cried. I knew Rui would find out eventually and I have no way of hiding it. He likes it when I show skin so I do it. I'm only happy when he's happy.
~~~
Where am I? It looks like a white void. Even when I walk through I can't find a way out.
I begin running faster and faster every moment not wasted. I can't see anything. It's only a blank space. I feel sweat beat off my forehead as I still struggle to leave. I held my breath and fell to the ground and cried. I had no escape. My brain felt butchered as the crying caused a headache. I finally looked around me and saw fire beginning to move around me in a circle. I shook in fear. I'll never see Rui again! I'll never see Saki again! I'll never see mom and dad again! It's useless... I'm useless. I felt the fire as it consumed me whole. I'm left alone to die.
~~~
"HAH! Hah... hah..." I gasped as I woke up. I slowly steady my breath and itch my eyes. I looked around my room and covered myself with the blanket again. I looked at the clock.
4:28 AM
I looked at my phone to see I had a voicemail, 3 texts, and a missed call from Rui. I listened to the voicemail first.
"Hey, baby. I just wanted to check up on you because I know you haven't felt like yourself lately. I heard about Saki being in the hospital again. Call me if you need. Love you, baby boy."
I cuddled my pillow like it was Rui. I felt like I was being cared for by him. I can't think about how a person could want to talk to me so badly.
I looked at the texts to a big surprise.
"Tsukasa, baby?"
"I got a call from Toya, he said when he came over he saw an Exacto knife on your dresser? What are you doing?"
"Tsukasa please answer me I will actually fucking run to your house to grab you and pull you to my house rn"
I giggled at the last message and placed my phone down. I glared at the cuts on my arms and closed my eyes again. I made sure my entire body was covered in blankets and snuggled all warm. It reminded me of Rui.
"Tsukasa~ Are you warm?~" He ruffled my hair as he spoke.
"Yes. Very warm." I smiled and pulled myself closer.
"Go back to sleep. I'll be here for you, lovely." Rui moved to my level and wrapped his arms around my body. His body was cold but I made me feel good. I nuzzled into his chest and chuckled. I felt myself drift off into a dreamworld. I was so happy to be with Rui now. He gives me good dreams. I love him.
My eyes opened to a bright light seeping through my thin curtains. I looked at my arms again, the cuts were now a dark pink color. It was so ugly. It made me feel so much worse but still. The pain felt good. I moved my head to the side to see Rui wasn't there.
It was an illusion.
I looked back at my phone to see a text from Rui saying "Good morning, baby boy." I smiled and typed back.
💫WorldStar!💫
Morning, Ruru!"
The Alchemist
How are you feeling?
💫WorldStar!💫
Not the best. I'm still kind of tired.
The Alchemist
Awe. I just wanna wrap my arms around you and snuggle your guts out.
💫WorldStar!💫
I wanna do the same to you! Why don't you come over?
The Alchemist
Okay I'll be there in 20 minutes
💫WorldStar!💫
YAAAAY!
I gripped my phone in my hand and imagined Rui holding me in his arms. I felt like a baby but Rui never wants to degrade me.
I quickly threw a pair of jeans and a black sweatshirt on. Soon enough, Rui was already at the house. I opened the door to see Rui in a black button-up and black jeans. He smiled straight me and patted my head.
"You're so cute, Tsukasa. It nice to see you." He chuckled. I gave a slight smile and let Rui into the house.
We lay on the bed in my room and cuddled
"It feels so nice to finally see you again," I whispered. Rui rubbed my shoulder and kissed my forehead. Rui made a soft gasp and grabbed my arms.
"Huh?" I moved my head to the side. I knew he knew. He saw the Exacto knife. He might be assuming now. Maybe the hoodie wasn't enough and he saw my cuts from the sleeves?
"Tsukasa. Is there something you're not telling me?" Rui asked. I shook my head damn well knowing that was a lie.
Rui pulled up my sleeves causing a squeak of pain from me. He covered his mouth in shock for my arms. He rolled up the other sleeve and began crying.
"Oh, baby... Why didn't you tell me you cut...?" Rui caressed my face and wiped my tears.
"I was scared. Scared you'd hate me. The world... it's so cruel! There is nothing good about this stupid place!" I cried. Rui pulled me close and kissed me.
"I know, baby. I am always here for you. If you're sad come to me for now. I will always make time for you." Rui sat me in his lap and covered us with my blanket. I hugged him and cried into his chest.
"I love you, Rui...! I just want to make you happy...!" I whimpered. Rui kissed me and rubbed my back.
"I love you too, Tsukasa. I'm always happy with you."
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