I wake up every morning, in total distress, in a cold and bitter pool of confusion. I'd always thought the people around me'd try to trick me as I grew to be naive. It hurts more to realize the only thing trying to trick me was,,, me. I look at myself in the mirror and all i see is this stuck version of me, screaming, yelling to be let out of the glass. If i could, i'd shatter the glass myself, so i'd never have to meet this awful part of me again.
April 15th 2003
A troubled little monster, they said. I was selfish and had no interest in one's feelings whatsoever. I guess you do develop some of your parental's personality traits during childhood. As usual, I was totally blessed with a pathological liar and manipulator father so those were taught to me like icing a cake or riding a bike. Living with such a monster made me realize that I never want to be like him, not in this cycle, nor in any future reincarnations.
I wish i could be telling you all sorts of shitty childhood stories but my brain has completely disconnected from that part of my life. Maybe it's the guilt too The guilt of hurting my mom, my sister and a lot of people i truly cared for. Well, welcome to trauma # i dont even know. I do not care for many people at all, but once I do care.. it will take the soviet to stop me from protecting those people. Regardless of whats happened between me and them. A promise is a promise and I try my best to never break promises.
the real pain started around grade 7, when i started highschool. I didnt have friends. I did not want friends. I did not want anybody talking to me. Soon after, when i'd reached 15, my mom took me out of school to do homeschooling during a 3 month roadtrip. I love it as much as i Hated it. that's when i experienced my first depressive episode. regardless i was accepted into AFS Sweden with a 10 000$ scholarship. I told everyone I'd got sent back mid exchange because of covid. But the truth is i was very depressed and anxious all the time. No body knew why I was acting the was i was.
About 6 months after I came back i got diagnosed with bipolar disorder type2, it's been a shithole to take care of to be honest. I am part of the lucky treatment resistent patients. During that same summer I swallowed over 60 capsules or different medications. I called jules to say googdbye. i could never leave without saying goodbye. They called my mom and when she checked on me, nobody thought it was serious enough to bring me to the hospital. my cousin finally convinced my parents to bring me to the er. I remember waking up the next morning all dizzy and overhearing the doctors saying they dont know how i made it. When i told them it was the angels they just laughed at me.
A few months passed by and i decided it would be time for me to go back to college, so I did. I met some cool friends but i was the no drug-no alcohol-no fun roommate. until i started smoking weed with a good friend of mine and he'd assured me its harmless. Then my conditition wouldnt let me be in school anymore so i stopped and moved in with my sister and her chestnut boyfriend close to downtown, none of us knew it was the gettho. The guy was disrespectful to me, my family and mostly my sister so he and i didnt get along that well. Thus, they moved in together leaving me alone in my apartment.
I found what seemed to be the most efficient way of numbing my feelings, my life, my brain. I will always remember the stinging of the bee that rapidly fills your body with thousands of ants. The way your mind completely gives in, the pain is gone, the worries are gone. I could finally appreciate my alone time with my music. I thought it was keeping me alive, the truth is, it was killing me slowly. And all at once.
tw: I remember lying on the ground, looking at Jules. She was panicking and at first i couldn't quite get why. until i realized i was not breathing. It felt calm, I didn't want to breathe, though i couldnt just let myself die in her arms. i fought through it, i fought through every horrific moment of my life and i stuck to life. For them
the person i believe i am
i'll reach for your hand , pull you closer in and ask you to stay a little longer, gazing at the stars. Your eyes brought me peace, they brought me a reason to fight for. I see my flaws, my mistakes. You see them too, don't you? so why stay? why pretend to stay if you wish to run from my troubled life? i wouldnt blame you. theres nothing to blame anyway,, ive accepted the fate of my actions a while back. im no longer in fly or fight mode, i preach redemption and acceptation.
