i have honestly never met anyone that thinks the same way as another being. i love this about people; i love authenticity, uniqueness.
i love trying to comprehend one's brain. the way they think, and act. i analyze every detail of every person i meet. their gestures, habits. sometimes it feels like i know what theyre about to do before it even happens. telepathy shit? genius skill? fuck. i dont even know.
i also hate to comprehend one's brain. or perhaps just analyzing it. it makes me incredibly anxious to not know everything thats going on. i lose control, you know?
though it really is beautiful, the colours of each and every one of our personalities. nobody has the same life experiences, traumas and lives. sometimes i wish i could hop into someone else's head and live like a little demon (or angel) on their shoulder. is this creepy?
i want to know what it's like, just like the little voice in my head. it's so annoying to have my own perspective and not know my little voice's perspective. they know every fucking thing about me and i know nothing about them. they literally control my every move and word. and i know nothing about them. sometimes i wonder if they show themselves without me noticing. like of course i know it's me, but i dont act the same, or think the same.
lately ive also been forgetting a bunch of shit. ive never really had any vivid memories of my childhood. but my current life is so blurry, i forget nearly everything that happens. i black out for days. my memories have been insanely mixed up. i get the impression im sleeping for days, while doing my everyday tasks. whenever i do remember an event, i remember it as if i was a third party in the room.
dissociation i believe they call it? and derealization, and depersonalization. i cant diagnose myself obviously, but it seems pretty dang accurate to me. at least what i know of it.
i wonder if people ever notice, all these tiny personality switches that are an elephant in the room to me. do i look different? act different? speak differently? i feel like i do but i could be wrong. also who the fuck do you bring that up in a conversation? "hey, do i act any different right now?", nah.
anyways, i might be updoaling more on this topic soon.
